I loved the line by phoebe on Friends. “Oh I can’t, because… I don’t want to.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

I agree. It doesn’t matter what we think. If this is what DHs family does it’s what they do. It’s one day, have DH go without you and help out if he wants to. If he doesn’t he can say no

+1, and I don’t think there’s a definitive answer, either. I personally like hiring movers because it’s a relief. We had moves back in our 20s when we were broke that were just so stressful and it was so great when I finally realized I could afford to hire someone.

But that’s me. If someone else decided to do it on their own, I don’t judge or tell them to to something else. If it was a friend I’d be like “good luck!” And if was family I’d go help for a couple hours and then go home.

This doesn’t feel like it needs to be a drama or reason for a family rift.

Anonymous wrote:moving boxes over three weekends sounds implausible. who does that?

i don't mind going over and setting up someone's kitchen, because i am really good at that. i don't really want to move boxes and furniture. you can hire movers for just a few hours for that stuff. you can also hire high school boys for some of the schlepping.

I’ll tell you who does that. People that are moving locally with a lot of possessions and want to do it in the cheapest way possible. So they plan to pack as they go, load up personal cars, drive to the location, unpack and repeat. Only the heaviest items, mostly furniture and appliances go in the moving truck. They need other people to volunteer their time and labor to make this possible so they guilt their friends, family, and sometimes their subordinates to do it. They give you a few pieces of pizza and a few beverages for your efforts.

I’d say that I could not physically do it or could not risk hurting myself.

My ILs are like this at mid-70s. They never, ever hire a professional for anything. Drives me insane especially when they criticize us for doing so. Years ago, FIL would ask DH to help with these very complicated projects while our own house was in disrepair. Our family grew and our priorities changed. FIL stopped asking DH.

I’m your case, OP, send DH. Be honest and tell DH and ILs that “you’re not up for this sort of thing now …too tired” but you will show up when they are settled w/ a great housewarming present. Plan something fun for yourself (do you have DC?) and or take a road trip for the weekend. If DH wants to spend his time helping, he’s on his own.

Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

Willing doesn’t mean you can afford to.

I couldn’t until I remarried. I also had health issues that limited what I could lift myself.

I really appreciate the family and friends who helped us. One family simply took my very anxious seven year old to their home for a few hours so that we could dismantle, pack up her bedroom, move it, and set it up in the new apartment. It made things so much easier.

Sheesh, it’s family. If they are asking for help, you help. Not like this will happen often!

Anonymous wrote:I bet both brothers have leaned on each other for moves over the years before OP entered the picture.

You don’t know that. It could be a very one-sided relationship. My BIL and his wife are always telling his younger siblings what they should do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

I agree. It doesn’t matter what we think. If this is what DHs family does it’s what they do. It’s one day, have DH go without you and help out if he wants to. If he doesn’t he can say no

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I bet both brothers have leaned on each other for moves over the years before OP entered the picture.

Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

The answer is - None. Why would you ever assume that I would want to do so??


Being rude and obnoxious is not cultural. It’s a personal flaw.

And that’s what you tell anyone in your family who tries to give you grief over it.

moving boxes over three weekends sounds implausible. who does that?

i don't mind going over and setting up someone's kitchen, because i am really good at that. i don't really want to move boxes and furniture. you can hire movers for just a few hours for that stuff. you can also hire high school boys for some of the schlepping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.