Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 13:23     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:One thing that is consistent with my boomer relatives who weren’t recently working or running a business is that they grossly over value their assets and grossly underestimate their spending. Several are convinced that they are sitting on goldmines of stuff when in reality their children will have to spend money to haul it away. Several own properties but grossly over estimate what it’s worth. They don’t understand that their homes are tear downs and the value is in the land.

I really think that people in the 50 to 75 year age group are able to manage their own lives. If there is an exception to this, it is due to a specific problem such as early onset dementia, or even possibly mental illness, and this is not common. I don't think this age group needs help from their kids to make financial decisions for them, but the younger generation can ask about their general situation is in the case they will need to know as next of kin. They can also ask that estate planning be more streamlined, such as having things payable upon death or setting up a trust.
Let's get a grip on reality. Offspring may not like the choices, but their parents are certainly capable of making them.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 10:41     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it and have felt this way too. I had that level of anger, indignation and frustration too. Sadly, what forced me to detach was my own serious health issues. They made these choices of sound mind. Now they will live with the consequences. Do not set yourself on fire to keep them warm. I did and got burned. Let it bring you peace that you tried to prevent this.


I'm seeing this happen to my mother. She is in her 70's and taking care of my grandmother who is 100 years old. Every 2 months she travels 5 hours to take care of my grandmother. It's running her ragged and her back is now constantly hurting. But she promised her mother that she would never put her in a home.
I forsee having to take care of my mother in 5-10 years. She also asked me to never put her in a nursing home. But she refuses to sell her 5 bedroom home that's falling into disarray. I found an apartment that's 5 minutes from my house but my mother can not live without a garden.


Get on a wait list for a community garden or find a townhouse type apt that has a patio.


My parent’s CCRC had garden plots that residents could use.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 09:54     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.


Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.


Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.


What are they applying for? Sounds like they are both still in their home, yes?


Applying to see if they qualify for my sister to be a paid caregiver to them


So she would be the caregiver, but remain in the home? Aren't they nearly depleted of funds? Having your sister compensated would be great, but how does covering their other expenses work?


OP, doesn't this set your sister up as a dependent eventually when she will not have had a job outside caregiver? Someone with OCD will struggle particularly with so much in the situation that cannot be controlled and it sounds like she has no support or respite of her own. It may temporarily solve the caregiver issue but burn her out faster and harm her own independence prospects long term.

It in no way addresses the fact that they are basically out of money and the house is becoming uninhabitable. What is the plan for that?
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 09:42     Subject: This is what happens....
NP. I’m sorry for all of you. These things sound incredibly hard.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 09:36     Subject: This is what happens....
The despair is real - watching elderly parents refuse to plan for the inevitable. Mine still had a working horse breeding operation when my mom died, then dad had a stroke. Two hours away, only child with full time job and kids. Do you know how much time it takes to care for 20 horses (most not sellable because they are elderly as well). The last two years have aged me a decade. My pleas to downsize or move closer fell on deaf ears. The last thing mom said to me before she died is she wish they had sold the horses sooner. After her death, dad fell into deep depression and what social workers call “total self neglect” but refused any help until a stroke left him disabled. Now it’s all a terrible mess for me to try (but inevitably fail) to make better.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 09:04     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:None of this needed to happen. None.


Seems like things are coming to a head, OP, if they are down to less than 2 months of expenses and house is becoming uninhabitable.

Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 09:02     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I have one incapacitated parent, the other barely able to cope with their care and running a household, and they have big money problems that were preventable.


Both my parents and my in-laws crashed and burned financially. Their money problems were "preventable" in the sense that if I'd known about them ahead of time and they'd cooperated, we could have worked out a far superior solution. But, they kept secrets from us, and they were stubbornly determined to stay where they were even though it made no financial sense. So, when we found out at 11:59 that they'd be bankrupt at midnight, there wasn't much that could be done to mitigate the situation.

You really can't stop adult parents from making bad choices.


OP here. True. But then do they have the right to demand you fix it?


They can demand whatever they like but your response is up to you. Dealing with your emotions around the situation could benefit from professional help. Put on your own oxygen mask, OP, before you ruin your own health and your own family. I would also be wary of gilding the lily too much re: the plan to move them in with you. Whole nother nightmare that rarely lasts long per posts on this sub. One which would directly and likely negatively impact your marriage, work life and children. Your parents do not sound like they would easily and seemlessly slot into your life/home.

Your sister and her mental illness/disability are another related issue, even after your parents are gone.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 08:51     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it and have felt this way too. I had that level of anger, indignation and frustration too. Sadly, what forced me to detach was my own serious health issues. They made these choices of sound mind. Now they will live with the consequences. Do not set yourself on fire to keep them warm. I did and got burned. Let it bring you peace that you tried to prevent this.


I'm seeing this happen to my mother. She is in her 70's and taking care of my grandmother who is 100 years old. Every 2 months she travels 5 hours to take care of my grandmother. It's running her ragged and her back is now constantly hurting. But she promised her mother that she would never put her in a home.
I forsee having to take care of my mother in 5-10 years. She also asked me to never put her in a nursing home. But she refuses to sell her 5 bedroom home that's falling into disarray. I found an apartment that's 5 minutes from my house but my mother can not live without a garden.


Get on a wait list for a community garden or find a townhouse type apt that has a patio.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 08:43     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:OP here. To all dealing with the same - much love. And thank you for the kind comments. It’s all so upsetting because downsizing would solve ALL the problems. They can stay cross-country, my sister could still live with them and help, and they’d have money to hire in caregivers as needed. Then if they needed X or Y I would more than be willing to pay for it. I just can’t keep throwing good money away and solve nothing because we will run out of money as well. My sister seems to think money is not a finite thing. I even told her at one point that we have plenty of space in our home and they can move to us, put their home on the market, and she can feel free to live her own life, either moving here or staying in the town she’s been in for years. She goes on a screaming fits about how is she going to afford to pay her own way, etc, and how I need to house her too. It’s all SO tiring.

I do think though I found an organization that can help us get set up with the state so she can be their paid caregiver in their home, given that both are disabled and cash poor. I left a phone message with the agency. She’s already CPR certified and only needs a day of training. The question is, will she do that training as it’s in the next city over (think Great Falls to Falls Church in distance) but her OCD won’t allow her to drive there. I will definitely pay for an Uber Black to and from, but she might be either too OCD to attend. If that’s the case and no one will still engage, I’ll be forced to call in a social worker


I don't think you had mentioned that your sister is mentally ill and disabled too. What kind of work does she do?
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 08:38     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m not stressing myself out for someone’s bad decisions. Nope. You shouldn’t either.

dp. you would just let your parents struggle and die ?


Everyone is going to die someday, kind of an odd thing to say.

Unless they are in a condition where you can petition a court for legal control, their decisions are their own.

OP, I'd suggest therapy and possibly a caregiver support group, I think some may be online. These situations are very difficult but the reality is that you have little to no control over them, only you. It seems the pressure to uproot your life and move is getting to you, probably mixed with grief. Get help to manage yourself and drop the rope re: the situation, it's one of the only choices you have. Don't ruin your own life and health.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2023 08:30     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:One thing that is consistent with my boomer relatives who weren’t recently working or running a business is that they grossly over value their assets and grossly underestimate their spending. Several are convinced that they are sitting on goldmines of stuff when in reality their children will have to spend money to haul it away. Several own properties but grossly over estimate what it’s worth. They don’t understand that their homes are tear downs and the value is in the land.


This makes a lot of sense. MiL gets annoyed when we will not take their heirloom furniture, really annoyed. We've tried to explain that the market has changed, but she doesn't want to hear. She believes that she can sell her sets for more what she paid or her parents/ILs paid as she sees them as antiques. Yes, they are, but not ones that folks are seeking.

She is more realistic about real estate, but their property is in a high demand area of an overall low COL city. They will get what they paid and probably some more, but there is a ceiling to the final price due to the low cost of living.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 20:55     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
One thing that is consistent with my boomer relatives who weren’t recently working or running a business is that they grossly over value their assets and grossly underestimate their spending. Several are convinced that they are sitting on goldmines of stuff when in reality their children will have to spend money to haul it away. Several own properties but grossly over estimate what it’s worth. They don’t understand that their homes are tear downs and the value is in the land.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 19:36     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:My mom spent the last two years before bankruptcy thinking she was going to recoup her fortunes by writing a bestselling novel. Spoiler: it didn’t sell. She had the cognitive power to write a novel, but not enough to track the fact she was draining her accounts very rapidly. Not senility, but definitely delusional thinking.


How was she draining her accounts and what should she have done differently?

Sincere questions. Thinking this is on our horizon.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 17:36     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
My mom spent the last two years before bankruptcy thinking she was going to recoup her fortunes by writing a bestselling novel. Spoiler: it didn’t sell. She had the cognitive power to write a novel, but not enough to track the fact she was draining her accounts very rapidly. Not senility, but definitely delusional thinking.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 17:28     Subject: This is what happens....
@15:25 — as one of the PPs whose parents went bankrupt, sorry, no, they could not sort out their lives on their own. They NEEDED me to sort out their financial lives and they should have asked long before they ran out of money. Yeah go ahead and worry about your own life… and then suddenly ooops their problem is YOUR problem.