No, I would not give her that amount. That is a LOT of money. With my relatives, I’ve been willing to help out when I know they have done all they can to reasonably reduce costs and are willing to cede some control. And everyone giving money should be on the same page if possible. No way I would take money away from my kid’s college fund or my retirement (or heck, even my vacation fund) to pay for MIL’s overpriced condo.

Having seen these scenarios play out in very different ways has been instructive. One relative was extremely thoughtful about minimizing costs in coordination with everyone she knew would be supporting her eventually, and we all gladly pitched in to help her when the time came. Fortunately there were many people to share the burden, but if it was just me, I would have sacrificed for them.

Other relative is nasty and demanding, refuses to take steps to reduce costs, and is known to spend and loose big chunks of money on scams (fake stem cell treatments, timeshares) and seems incapable of learning any lessons. That relative I give zero to and feel fine about it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my husband and I have been talking this through and are considering pooling resources and chipping in some savings that we can afford to put "on hold" for a few years to buy a one-bedroom condo that MIL can live in. When she passes away or can't live on her own anymore, it will be sold or kept as an investment property. This is all contingent upon (a) convincing her to move to our area, and (b) agreement among the brothers.

Of course, moving her down here is another can worms... Once she can't drive anymore, and needs more care, she will be become our responsibility. I'm not willing to pay for care - we will have to get her on Medicaid - but all the coordination and oversight will fall to me. And I already have my own aging parent (with actual health issues, while lives locally) to look after.

Truly awful plan. Like I can hardly think of a worse one. Who suggested the condo buying scheme?

Do not have your MIL move near you. Do not buy an investment property to house her. She's 85. Do not give her any sort of lump money. Offer to start paying for a bill or two each month. Insist that the car must go.

I must assume that your husband and his brothers aren't counting on any sort of inheritance. When the time comes, she goes on Medicaid. So what happens when/if she dies and has tons of credit card debt? I assume it is paid by her estate? But the cc companies can't hound her children to pay off the debt, can they?

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. Right now the crisis is her lifestyle choices - save funding her until it's an actual crisis. At 85 years old, she will likely at some point in the near future have increased health and care needs, which are very expensive and sounds like she definitely won't be able to afford herself.

However, I would suggest DH and his siblings definitely use this as an opportunity to get more information about her finances. Do not give any $ without his getting a full look at her finances and spending. As others have mentioned, increased care and nursing home level of care can run more than $5k/month - so really DH needs to start looking at the very likely financial challenges MIL could face in the future if she needs care (and she has no savings to support).

This is correct. We sold a home that my aunt didn’t pay on - we bought it as the legal bank and she was supposed to pay us mortgage. It was titled in her name. She immediately refused to pay. When she passed over 20 years later, the house went back to us, as we were the bank, and we sold it. First we offered it to my parents so they could sell theirs and not be broke anymore - doing so would have put a 1/2 mil in their account. They are 88 and 89 so that would have enabled them to live the rest of their years in much more comfort. As it stands now, the moment one of them die, they can no longer afford the house they live in, and right now, they often have less than $1 in their account by the time social security rolls in every month. They refuse to change their lifestyle even though they have many options.

After we sold the house, sister called me selfish for not GIVING them the money from the house we sold. I told my sister it would disappear before the year was up if I did, given spending habits. Reminded her no one has to be poor here, and given my mother will be in a wheelchair shortly, both parents are pretty much incontinent, and are having major issues showering and dressing themselves, it’s time to make a change. I told her the money for the house is now invested well because I KNOW there will be a collapse soon and that’s what the money is for - not to extend the crazy that currently exists. My sister, who works almost full—time and lives free in their home, complains that she has to contribute some of her meager earnings. They are meager because living with them allowed her to ‘follow her bliss’ rather than actually get a real job in her field. She can do more, she knows she can, and chooses not to.

OP, you are correct that this is your MIL’s choice. Do not fund that choice and do NOT fall victim to all the people who will say “well it’s HARD for elderly to make a change!” That has no bearing when an elderly person can no longer fund the lifestyle they choose. How someone feels does not pay the bills.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job? If yes, why don’t you each pitch in each month to pay the bills and spend the rest as you see fit. If not, I am sorry but either you suffer in silence or try to persuade your DH to not give the money (I don’t think you will succeed).

NO. It is not OP’s responsibility to do this, nor is it her husband’s. MIL had plenty of money. She went through it irresponsibly. Tough crap.

Pay for specific bills only.

Anonymous wrote:

Of course, moving her down here is another can worms... Once she can't drive anymore, and needs more care, she will be become our responsibility. I'm not willing to pay for care - we will have to get her on Medicaid - but all the coordination and oversight will fall to me.

This is why you don't want her moving here. Once she does, your DH's brothers will 100% take their hands off the wheel and all the aggravation and expense will land on you alone.

OMG do not do this, OP! Terrible terrible idea! I agree with others that this will be entirely on you and your DH, and like another PP asked - do you really think your DH is going to do 90% of what is needed? And still be there for your own family?

It is a disaster waiting to happen. +1 don't be a martyr.

There is no way I would move MIL near me if I thought my husband would not be doing 90% of the work to care for her. Don’t be a martyr.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my husband and I have been talking this through and are considering pooling resources and chipping in some savings that we can afford to put "on hold" for a few years to buy a one-bedroom condo that MIL can live in. When she passes away or can't live on her own anymore, it will be sold or kept as an investment property. This is all contingent upon (a) convincing her to move to our area, and (b) agreement among the brothers.

Of course, moving her down here is another can worms... Once she can't drive anymore, and needs more care, she will be become our responsibility. I'm not willing to pay for care - we will have to get her on Medicaid - but all the coordination and oversight will fall to me. And I already have my own aging parent (with actual health issues, while lives locally) to look after.

Please don't do this to yourself. It's not going to solve any of the actual problems you're facing with your MIL and will only create new, different problems for you and your family.

We had a similar situation with my financially irresponsible mother-in-law. She would not curb spending and we "helped" her for years with various things to the tune of thousands of dollars. She's now flat broke and in a medicaid facility. Only way the Medicaid transition went as smoothly as it did and she was able to remain in nursing care in the same facility as her independent living apartment is because we retained an Elder Law attorney who helped us navigate the process (and they accepted medicaid for her even though they typically don't). It's not ideal, but old age is expensive and you need to get things in place to rely on government benefits now unless you want to flip the bill and responsibility. If I were to invest in anything at this point it would be a consultation with an elder care attorney.

Of course, moving her down here is another can worms... Once she can't drive anymore, and needs more care, she will be become our responsibility. I'm not willing to pay for care - we will have to get her on Medicaid - but all the coordination and oversight will fall to me.

This is why you don't want her moving here. Once she does, your DH's brothers will 100% take their hands off the wheel and all the aggravation and expense will land on you alone.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my husband and I have been talking this through and are considering pooling resources and chipping in some savings that we can afford to put "on hold" for a few years to buy a one-bedroom condo that MIL can live in. When she passes away or can't live on her own anymore, it will be sold or kept as an investment property. This is all contingent upon (a) convincing her to move to our area, and (b) agreement among the brothers.

Of course, moving her down here is another can worms... Once she can't drive anymore, and needs more care, she will be become our responsibility. I'm not willing to pay for care - we will have to get her on Medicaid - but all the coordination and oversight will fall to me. And I already have my own aging parent (with actual health issues, while lives locally) to look after.

First problem is that MIL will fight you. My mom would not move here until she was flat broke and had no choice. I bet MIL likes being where she is, especially because your DH's brothers are subsidizing it. She will say no and DH's brothers will back her up.

Not sure why you would want to buy a place for whatever period of time lies between now and when she dies or needs to be in a facility. This is not likely to be a long period of time. Then you've got a 1BR condo on your hands which is not a great investment (too many of them in this area already). Why not have her rent somewhere cheaper where she already is? But in this case you will again likely face resistance from her, enabled by your DH's siblings.

Why are you making this your problem at all? Why can't she move closer to one of your DH's brothers? Oh, because his brother's wives don't want to make their MIL their problem. You shouldn't either. Don't let the hot potato land on you.

Really all you need to do is insist that your DH not give her any money - which is, of course, your money too, not just his - and let his brothers keep paying her if they want to. Or not. If and when MIL runs out of money then she will have to go into Medicaid assisted living and you can deal with that then.