Anonymous
05/05/2023 15:45
Subject: Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.
I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.
I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.
Same. And I teach my kids - the moment you know that the person you are dating is not a marriage material, it's time for you to bow out.
Actually, my husband was the same. Early on I apparently said something that made him think I might be childfree. So, he asked me very pointedly if I am open to having children. He said that infertility is a different story, but if I do not want to be a mother, we should remain friends. I appreciated the honesty and directness.
I appreciate honesty and directness but your husband was kind to you and didn't judge based on one conversation or end the relationship badly. The way I witnessed this "teaching" play out badly in college was that the guys would automatically dismiss a person as soon as they realized they didn't want to be with them long term often as a result of whatever their guy friends thought was cool as well. But of course not without trying to get them into bed and telling them how wonderful they were first and trying as hard as possible to get that notch in the bedpost. And then ghosting soon after. Many men do not have the social skills to do what your husband did. They behave on the sly. Same for women. Often they had already started dating a new person on the side because god forbid they not have a lover with them. See because when you get to make the calls on your own, it doesn't make you responsible to anything. You don't have to analyze yourself or change for the other person at all. You don't have to end the relationship with grace. You don't have to treat that person like a real person anymore. You don't have to check your understanding with them and make anything close to a mutual agreement. People need to learn to treat others with respect in both the short and long term and to not expect anyone to stay with you or you to stay with them if they are mistreated. You don't get to just dump someone without grace as soon as your analysis of the future is done. They aren't a game to figure out. If they don't want the same things with you move on with grace realizing your involvement in the relationship as well and part as friends. Stop assuming that someone is "below you" just because you don't want them long term.
PP, I still stand by what I said. Whether you think the person is "below you" or simply incompatible, is irrelevant. I once ended things with an otherwise great guy who was way more into religion than I found tolerable, as in religion was and is a big part of his identity and it dictates many things about how he lives. He is perfect for someone else (I've met the woman he ended up marrying), but not for me.
Of course you should try to end the relationship gracefully, but you should end it; no point in stringing someone and, ultimately, yourself along.
Anonymous
05/05/2023 13:01
Subject: Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.
I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.
I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.
Same. And I teach my kids - the moment you know that the person you are dating is not a marriage material, it's time for you to bow out.
Actually, my husband was the same. Early on I apparently said something that made him think I might be childfree. So, he asked me very pointedly if I am open to having children. He said that infertility is a different story, but if I do not want to be a mother, we should remain friends. I appreciated the honesty and directness.
I appreciate honesty and directness but your husband was kind to you and didn't judge based on one conversation or end the relationship badly. The way I witnessed this "teaching" play out badly in college was that the guys would automatically dismiss a person as soon as they realized they didn't want to be with them long term often as a result of whatever their guy friends thought was cool as well. But of course not without trying to get them into bed and telling them how wonderful they were first and trying as hard as possible to get that notch in the bedpost. And then ghosting soon after. Many men do not have the social skills to do what your husband did. They behave on the sly. Same for women. Often they had already started dating a new person on the side because god forbid they not have a lover with them. See because when you get to make the calls on your own, it doesn't make you responsible to anything. You don't have to analyze yourself or change for the other person at all. You don't have to end the relationship with grace. You don't have to treat that person like a real person anymore. You don't have to check your understanding with them and make anything close to a mutual agreement. People need to learn to treat others with respect in both the short and long term and to not expect anyone to stay with you or you to stay with them if they are mistreated. You don't get to just dump someone without grace as soon as your analysis of the future is done. They aren't a game to figure out. If they don't want the same things with you move on with grace realizing your involvement in the relationship as well and part as friends. Stop assuming that someone is "below you" just because you don't want them long term.
Anonymous
05/05/2023 12:50
Subject: Everyone has a personal challenge
Anonymous wrote:I may have a good marriage but our kid has a life threatening condition. SO you win some. <eyeroll>
I have a great friend who is married to the hottest person. They have gone through the most traumatic events. I am so happy that she has a strong man to stand by her side. But no one is without a life incident.
Anonymous
05/05/2023 12:30
Subject: A good father figure is a good predictor
Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".
I have noticed this as well. Of course there are a few exclusions, but if a woman has a very important and positive male role model, she usually picks that type of person to marry. My ex fiancé was exactly like my uncle, reliable, dependable, caring, thoughtful and sensitive. He cared for me in a way that I wanted my dad to care for me. We lacked in the sex department. My kid's dad was more like my mom's toxic boyfriend. Passionate, sexual and full of disappearing acts. I am now dating a mix. My current partner is dependable, reliable and also passionate and sexual. It took me a while to figure out what I really like in a man.
Dating the safe isn't fair if you don't really love him. Dating the reckless guy isn't fair to your kids. Find a good balance.
Anonymous
05/05/2023 12:04
Subject: Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage
Anonymous wrote:When we got married, we drove a duct taped car. My husband had a good degree, but hadn't begun working yet.
We've been extremely fortunate.
+1
Pretty much the same here. We had nothing. We worked together, for decades, to make it happen. No one handed us anything. Nothing. At all. Ever. I think, when I read these posts, that these women don't understand that marriage is hard work, and that nothing comes easy. I think they come from broken homes, or are entitled to something that they frankly do not deserve. The posters seem to want easy money, without thinking about what an actual relationship entails. It reeks of being naive and quite a user. I would not want to be married to that. People who are compatible end up together. If you are looking for a piggy bank, get yourself a high paying job. Work for it.
Anonymous
05/05/2023 11:54
Subject: Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.
How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??
DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.
But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.
yes 60 plus and the plus can be a lot more. But why would anyone not want to marry that? Real question. You want to marry some guy who likes fourth place? What woman would do that?
Money isn’t everything.
It would never have occurred to me to think of professions in terms of first/second/third/fourth "place." That's transactional and mercenary. Ugly.