Anonymous
Post 05/04/2023 08:11     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
I just found out that my ILs would have given my kids money for college, but decided not to because they think the kids don’t visit enough. We schlepped there twice a year for several days over holidays while the kids were growing up and were lucky if they came to us once a year (and stayed no more than 24 hours). Plus the ILs spend the entire summer abroad, when that’s the best time for us to visit due to school. Apparently they wanted more.

They have every right to make that decision. Part of me thinks that if there are strings attached, maybe we’ve dodged a bullet. We can handle college on our own.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 21:46     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My father died early, not long after he paid for our wedding.

My in-laws retired early and live simple lives. They retired early. They said there’s no need for them sitting on an inheritance when we could put it to good use. They set up trusts for four grandchildren which they replenished every year. They paid all tuitions, camps, braces, tutors for my son with a learning disability, activities, anything they needed. For us they bought us a house and cars over the years plus the yearly gift tax exemption (right now $32,000 for myself and husband) because they reached the “lifetime giving”

Why have it pile up when it can go to good use? We plan on helping anyway we can for our family too.


So, what do you pay for if they cover everything. Wow.


Life’s basics. I’ve never worked full time, that was a huge benefit. My biggest shame is how bad we are with money.


No one is ever good with other people’s money.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 21:44     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My father died early, not long after he paid for our wedding.

My in-laws retired early and live simple lives. They retired early. They said there’s no need for them sitting on an inheritance when we could put it to good use. They set up trusts for four grandchildren which they replenished every year. They paid all tuitions, camps, braces, tutors for my son with a learning disability, activities, anything they needed. For us they bought us a house and cars over the years plus the yearly gift tax exemption (right now $32,000 for myself and husband) because they reached the “lifetime giving”

Why have it pile up when it can go to good use? We plan on helping anyway we can for our family too.


So, what do you pay for if they cover everything. Wow.


Life’s basics. I’ve never worked full time, that was a huge benefit. My biggest shame is how bad we are with money.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 21:35     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:My father died early, not long after he paid for our wedding.

My in-laws retired early and live simple lives. They retired early. They said there’s no need for them sitting on an inheritance when we could put it to good use. They set up trusts for four grandchildren which they replenished every year. They paid all tuitions, camps, braces, tutors for my son with a learning disability, activities, anything they needed. For us they bought us a house and cars over the years plus the yearly gift tax exemption (right now $32,000 for myself and husband) because they reached the “lifetime giving”

Why have it pile up when it can go to good use? We plan on helping anyway we can for our family too.


So, what do you pay for if they cover everything. Wow.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 21:20     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


Yes. They insisted we send our kids to private school to continue the tradition in our family


There shouldn’t be strings attached. Your kid’s school should be your decision. Our in-laws never questioned how we spend the money. Never. We both were lucky with parents. My mother was widowed early (not lucky) and loved children so she watched them for me and took them on holidays. Also with their cousins.


Oh blah blah blah. Golden rule. Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

Don’t like the strings, don’t take the gold.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 21:10     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:my parents have many times offered to pay for or contribute to the kids privates - and they have net worth of at least $20m - but i would never allow bc i am a GROWN ADULT. Insane to me that ppl allow this.


Then they need to give quite a bit to charity or it will go to estate taxes. State estate taxes can be hefty depending on what state they live in. You don’t want to die with a taxable estate. This is why my in-laws and so many parents give to the next couple of generations.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 21:02     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:


Yes. They insisted we send our kids to private school to continue the tradition in our family


There shouldn’t be strings attached. Your kid’s school should be your decision. Our in-laws never questioned how we spend the money. Never. We both were lucky with parents. My mother was widowed early (not lucky) and loved children so she watched them for me and took them on holidays. Also with their cousins.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 20:57     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
My father died early, not long after he paid for our wedding.

My in-laws retired early and live simple lives. They retired early. They said there’s no need for them sitting on an inheritance when we could put it to good use. They set up trusts for four grandchildren which they replenished every year. They paid all tuitions, camps, braces, tutors for my son with a learning disability, activities, anything they needed. For us they bought us a house and cars over the years plus the yearly gift tax exemption (right now $32,000 for myself and husband) because they reached the “lifetime giving”

Why have it pile up when it can go to good use? We plan on helping anyway we can for our family too.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 16:00     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who do accept help, do you have a discussion with your family members about their finances to be sure they can really afford it? I've heard of grandparents making offers they really shouldn't make because their friends were doing something similar. With the high cost of healthcare, poor recent return on investments, and long life expectancy, I worry some about people who are giving away what sometimes amounts to $100k+/year. Some think of it as an early inheritance gift they get to see the benefits from but I'd be careful accepting much without having a pretty good idea of their means.


I think this is a fair question to ask. In my family my parents are very open about their finances and invite me to their yearly meeting with their financial advisor. So I have no concerns about them helping with private school tuition, vacations etc. I'm also an only child so I will inherit what is left when they pass. My parents have recognized that they have more money then they will need and that it will be more helpful to me and my kids to receive some of it now rather than in 15 years when my kids are done with college and I'm starting my own retirement. I am grateful and my parents do not use their money to try to influence us so there are no strings. People on DCUM generally hate other people who receive financial assistance from their parents but sometimes its just part of smart estate planning.


I agree it's smart planning. My mom told me where the trusts were and so on, although she didn't tell me exact numbers or invite me to meetings with the broker. She showed me her living will.

I think you're talking about something different, though. It's easy to offer strings-free money when it's going to be used well. My mom had no problem giving us money for useful things like a downpayment or even travel.

But if we had said, "hey, both of us want to quit our jobs and live off your money, and btw DH wants a porsche," then she would probably have had a real problem with it. Part of it was that my mom wants the money to pass down to my kids and grandkids, and I can't really disagree with that goal.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 12:59     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is this a problem? I couldn’t care less if everyone knew that the kids were being funded by the grandparents. I think they would think those are some very lucky grandkids and leave it at that!


We don’t take money from our parents because the second we did, they would go into overbearing, overly involved mode. I’ve seen many friends have to put up with intrusive, overbearing grandparent behavior because that money comes with strings attached. I think a lot of the time, people who take the money are embarrassed that they have to put up with grandparent antics. We all know the type, and it’s a bit humiliating to have to put up with controlling, intrusive behavior. I know a woman who tolerates horrible comments about her weight and her kids’ appearance because of the financial dependency. It’s pretty pathetic when adults endure that kind of crap rather than paying their own way and living their own lives.



What you are describing is the dynamics of dysfunctional families. Healthy families don’t behave like this. My parents fund a lot of things for us but they are not intrusive and we all are close.



I mean, have you crossed any lines? If you naturally operate in ways they agree with, of course there have never been bumps in the road.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 12:53     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH's parents give us:
-$40K/year as a family for us to spend as we wish
-Put $15K/year in each of our three children's 529s
-Gave us $350K when we got married and paid for our wedding
-Created a trust for DH that will be worth between $10-13 million when they die
-Allow us access to their two vacation homes (in Naples, FL and the Catskills) throughout the year
-Take us out to eat at nice restaurants when they visit
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

My parents give us:
-Around $2K/year in financial gifts
-Assist with childcare 2-3 times each year (never alone; either with one parent when the other parent is traveling or with our nanny) and occasionally take our dogs for a few days if we are traveling
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

/
For those of you with one family of means or at least one that is much more generous, have things been awkward? Are there any expectations for the family to be involved in decision making?


I'm the PP whose post you commented on and yes, it can be a little awkward. It's manageable though. If my parents had the money that DH's parents had and gave us what DH's parents give us they would expect to have total control over our lives, so in this case it's probably good that DH's family has all the $$ and not my parents.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 12:23     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who do accept help, do you have a discussion with your family members about their finances to be sure they can really afford it? I've heard of grandparents making offers they really shouldn't make because their friends were doing something similar. With the high cost of healthcare, poor recent return on investments, and long life expectancy, I worry some about people who are giving away what sometimes amounts to $100k+/year. Some think of it as an early inheritance gift they get to see the benefits from but I'd be careful accepting much without having a pretty good idea of their means.


I think this is a fair question to ask. In my family my parents are very open about their finances and invite me to their yearly meeting with their financial advisor. So I have no concerns about them helping with private school tuition, vacations etc. I'm also an only child so I will inherit what is left when they pass. My parents have recognized that they have more money then they will need and that it will be more helpful to me and my kids to receive some of it now rather than in 15 years when my kids are done with college and I'm starting my own retirement. I am grateful and my parents do not use their money to try to influence us so there are no strings. People on DCUM generally hate other people who receive financial assistance from their parents but sometimes its just part of smart estate planning.


I hope you aren’t making this up because it’s what we plan to do with our child. I wish it had been this way for me.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 09:29     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:For those who do accept help, do you have a discussion with your family members about their finances to be sure they can really afford it? I've heard of grandparents making offers they really shouldn't make because their friends were doing something similar. With the high cost of healthcare, poor recent return on investments, and long life expectancy, I worry some about people who are giving away what sometimes amounts to $100k+/year. Some think of it as an early inheritance gift they get to see the benefits from but I'd be careful accepting much without having a pretty good idea of their means.


I think this is a fair question to ask. In my family my parents are very open about their finances and invite me to their yearly meeting with their financial advisor. So I have no concerns about them helping with private school tuition, vacations etc. I'm also an only child so I will inherit what is left when they pass. My parents have recognized that they have more money then they will need and that it will be more helpful to me and my kids to receive some of it now rather than in 15 years when my kids are done with college and I'm starting my own retirement. I am grateful and my parents do not use their money to try to influence us so there are no strings. People on DCUM generally hate other people who receive financial assistance from their parents but sometimes its just part of smart estate planning.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 09:20     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is this a problem? I couldn’t care less if everyone knew that the kids were being funded by the grandparents. I think they would think those are some very lucky grandkids and leave it at that!


We don’t take money from our parents because the second we did, they would go into overbearing, overly involved mode. I’ve seen many friends have to put up with intrusive, overbearing grandparent behavior because that money comes with strings attached. I think a lot of the time, people who take the money are embarrassed that they have to put up with grandparent antics. We all know the type, and it’s a bit humiliating to have to put up with controlling, intrusive behavior. I know a woman who tolerates horrible comments about her weight and her kids’ appearance because of the financial dependency. It’s pretty pathetic when adults endure that kind of crap rather than paying their own way and living their own lives.



What you are describing is the dynamics of dysfunctional families. Healthy families don’t behave like this. My parents fund a lot of things for us but they are not intrusive and we all are close.

Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 09:13     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
No of course not. I'm an adult who can provide for my own offspring.