Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, What are your ages, gross income last year and net worth? Get a password manager.

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I made $213K last year. Idk his total but I’ll find it when I have to sign our tax return. But we got an extension on it. And it’s probably somewhat over $300K total but that is always the best estimate I can give until we always see how much we made since neither salary.
Idk our net worth. I’ll let you know when I find out.

I hate all these logins and passwords but maybe I can try to learn one new one a day. He can’t give them to me because he doesn’t know them either. It’s an entire rigamarole anytime he needs access.

You are making more than 2/3 of the HHI but he is the one calling the shots, he is the one knowing where money is being spent. Maybe he is the one spending the money and you don't know where the money is going. You are a good spouse.

This. Are you really certain than extra $1600 is in fact going toward the mortgage?

We prepay our mortgage too, and my husband is a financial advisor/CFP with an MBA, so I don't feel like we're idiots for doing that. Part of it is psychological, yes. But it's not just about the feeling of safety . . . it's also using your psychology in a positive way. If you aren't spending that money on your mortgage, you might just spend it on unnecessary stuff, and then you'll really never get ahead financially. It's important to recognize that maximizing returns isn't the only factor . . . it's also important to mitigate risk (risk of job loss, etc.).

That said, I agree that it doesn't make sense to focus on this when you have student loans. Pay those off first. If your spouse can't completely give up on overpaying the mortgage, then propose $1000 extra to the mortgage and $600 extra to the student loans.

Re personal spending . . . We've recently implemented slush funds. Again, it's working with your psychology. I'm less spendy that my husband, so he's merrily buying himself whatever he wants and I'm debating the $39 Amazon dress like you are. So the slush fund helps him spend less and me spend more. Let's be honest, I donated some of mine to the PTA, but I also took my kids to Disney World, so there's that. And I bought myself some expensive shampoo.

I also agree that the kids' activities seem excessive, not just financially, but time/energy wise.

Good for you for wading through everything to get to the bottom of your financial situation!

Anonymous wrote:It’s really silly to put $1600 a month into your mortgage. I would stop that right now.

This is true but it appears to be a DH blinders on focus hang-up that's he's unlikely to retreat from and it's not a hill that OP should die on when there is plenty of other areas for improvement... and it's not the worst thing to be allocating $1600 a month on, it just not the smartest w/ the outstanding student debt sitting there at a higher interest rate. And, it's not $1600/mo on hookers and blow, so there's that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, What are your ages, gross income last year and net worth? Get a password manager.

41
48
I made $213K last year. Idk his total but I’ll find it when I have to sign our tax return. But we got an extension on it. And it’s probably somewhat over $300K total but that is always the best estimate I can give until we always see how much we made since neither salary.
Idk our net worth. I’ll let you know when I find out.

I hate all these logins and passwords but maybe I can try to learn one new one a day. He can’t give them to me because he doesn’t know them either. It’s an entire rigamarole anytime he needs access.

You are making more than 2/3 of the HHI but he is the one calling the shots, he is the one knowing where money is being spent. Maybe he is the one spending the money and you don't know where the money is going. You are a good spouse.

You probably have a great interest rate on your mortgage. Why are you paying so much extra every month?

I guess this whole convo is making me realize how weird our finances are. I did recently complain about the additional mortgage payment and he deposited an additional $15K into my bank account that pays the mortgage from another account we have. That I don’t know the login in to this other account but I’ll get there eventually.

And now I do think he has something irrational going on with the mortgage payment like a PP said. I think he gets worried about money & he thinks if we could just pay off the house, that would be some kind of huge weight off his shoulders that no matter what happens we’d be OK or have a house or something. And I don’t know how hard to press it because on the one hand - that’s kind of annoying but on the other side at least he’s not running us into debt…

But maybe I can help a bit by being involved more. I’m going to try to watch the Netflix show a pp mentioned. Thanks again.

How did you all learn to do finances / what to do with your money? I just completely handed it all over to DH once we had our first kid and I didn’t really make much money at all before that.

I feel the only lesson my parents taught me was don’t spend more than you have - which I did take to heart and I guess if you’re going to teach 1 lesson only that would be it. But I feel we could somehow be doing more with our money and I shouldn’t feel like I need to debate like I have for the past few weeks, whether or not I can justify buying this dress.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09V5D2NRF?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s really silly to put $1600 a month into your mortgage. I would stop that right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are kids activity expenses which I guess you can tell me is crazy and you all don’t spend this much for kids activities.

Kid 1: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $200 each fall and spring for rec sport. (May not continue swimming next year for interest reasons)
Kid 2: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $1000 each fall & spring for travel sport (but seriously considering switching back to rec only next season for not being worth it for talent reasons)
Kid 3: $300/mo. dance; $160 mo. gymnastics

There is also an $50/mo. instrument rental for a kid.

You are spending too much on kids activity. You should drop everything on this list.
Activities are free. Can't your kids go out and play? There are playgrounds everywhere. Don't they have friends they can play with?

It's not like the olden days, mee-maw, times are different now.

Keep spending $16k a year on this then. But don't come back here crying about bleeding money.

No it is a fair point to reduce but it still made me laugh. Yes - they have friends - that's how we have all these carpools to these activities. They are going with them!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are kids activity expenses which I guess you can tell me is crazy and you all don’t spend this much for kids activities.

Kid 1: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $200 each fall and spring for rec sport. (May not continue swimming next year for interest reasons)
Kid 2: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $1000 each fall & spring for travel sport (but seriously considering switching back to rec only next season for not being worth it for talent reasons)
Kid 3: $300/mo. dance; $160 mo. gymnastics

There is also an $50/mo. instrument rental for a kid.

You are spending too much on kids activity. You should drop everything on this list.
Activities are free. Can't your kids go out and play? There are playgrounds everywhere. Don't they have friends they can play with?

It's not like the olden days, mee-maw, times are different now.

Keep spending $16k a year on this then. But don't come back here crying about bleeding money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are kids activity expenses which I guess you can tell me is crazy and you all don’t spend this much for kids activities.

Kid 1: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $200 each fall and spring for rec sport. (May not continue swimming next year for interest reasons)
Kid 2: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $1000 each fall & spring for travel sport (but seriously considering switching back to rec only next season for not being worth it for talent reasons)
Kid 3: $300/mo. dance; $160 mo. gymnastics

There is also an $50/mo. instrument rental for a kid.

You are spending too much on kids activity. You should drop everything on this list.
Activities are free. Can't your kids go out and play? There are playgrounds everywhere. Don't they have friends they can play with?

It's not like the olden days, mee-maw, times are different now.

Lol this made me laugh. Love u guys.

Right?! Mee-maw here thinks they're gonna run down the "crick" and make damns and hunt for crawdads and such.... lol

Not that there's anything wrong with that but that's just not what's going on for the most part in the DMV

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are kids activity expenses which I guess you can tell me is crazy and you all don’t spend this much for kids activities.

Kid 1: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $200 each fall and spring for rec sport. (May not continue swimming next year for interest reasons)
Kid 2: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $1000 each fall & spring for travel sport (but seriously considering switching back to rec only next season for not being worth it for talent reasons)
Kid 3: $300/mo. dance; $160 mo. gymnastics

There is also an $50/mo. instrument rental for a kid.

You are spending too much on kids activity. You should drop everything on this list.
Activities are free. Can't your kids go out and play? There are playgrounds everywhere. Don't they have friends they can play with?

It's not like the olden days, mee-maw, times are different now.

Lol this made me laugh. Love u guys.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are kids activity expenses which I guess you can tell me is crazy and you all don’t spend this much for kids activities.

Kid 1: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $200 each fall and spring for rec sport. (May not continue swimming next year for interest reasons)
Kid 2: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $1000 each fall & spring for travel sport (but seriously considering switching back to rec only next season for not being worth it for talent reasons)
Kid 3: $300/mo. dance; $160 mo. gymnastics

There is also an $50/mo. instrument rental for a kid.

You are spending too much on kids activity. You should drop everything on this list.
Activities are free. Can't your kids go out and play? There are playgrounds everywhere. Don't they have friends they can play with?

It's not like the olden days, mee-maw, times are different now.

Here are two concrete things that have happened.

1) oldest kid got asked his intention for an activity for next year and he asked me what I thought and I said - well let’s talk realistically about your schedule next year. Are you going to move to swim 5 days a week (his only option next year at his current club) and he said no, he’d rather switch to a cheap summer pool 1 day a week winter option.

2) I decided to learn my various login / passwords starting with one account a day. 3 codes and 1 password change later I logged into some savings account that had 2 retirement accounts and a health savings account with $1000. And I said to my husband - what is this health savings account and he said - we can call the bank and find out how we can spend that on healthcare expenses. And I said yes, let’s do that.

I could tell you the retirement account total there but I know that’s not the end of the retirement money question. We have more accounts somewhere.

Anonymous wrote:Here are kids activity expenses which I guess you can tell me is crazy and you all don’t spend this much for kids activities.

Kid 1: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $200 each fall and spring for rec sport. (May not continue swimming next year for interest reasons)
Kid 2: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $1000 each fall & spring for travel sport (but seriously considering switching back to rec only next season for not being worth it for talent reasons)
Kid 3: $300/mo. dance; $160 mo. gymnastics

There is also an $50/mo. instrument rental for a kid.

You are spending too much on kids activity. You should drop everything on this list.
Activities are free. Can't your kids go out and play? There are playgrounds everywhere. Don't they have friends they can play with?