my mom has significant mental health issues and extreme anxiety, and never really 'took care of me' in the way a traditional mom would.. no school/ playdate pick ups or drop offs, no making dinner or doing laundry. Not a babysitter. She has always been either semi having a nervous breakdown or fully having one. But when I had cancer last year she flew out and had hours and hours of patience for me freaking out and crying and recovering from surgery. I always kind of resented that she wasn't more of a stable/ traditional parental figure but she has tried her best in many ways and I appreciate it. although this thread makes me a bit sad that I'll never have that 'rock' type hands on mom.

Anonymous wrote:

So I guess you would mourn that you were not being loved by your parents. But, you would not mourn their absence. You would not mourn not being able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them. Yes, I have sympathy and I have a lot of pity for you. I cannot say that there can be empathy for you from me, because what you are describing has not been experienced by me.

You can empathize without having experienced the exact same thing that someone else has…

And yes, people who lacked loving parents, mourn not being able to see, talk, hug and celebrate with their parents. Every day. For most of their lives. The only thing we don’t mourn is the abuse.

Keep working on your empathy pal. If your mom was so loving, you can figure it out.

It is not necessary for me to have empathy for you, because we don't even know each other. At best I can have sympathy or pity for you.

In fact empathy will only make things harder for you as is evident from your post. You should not expect empathy from others. You should only try for forgiveness for your abuser from yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom had six kids, cooked 3 meals a day, sewed dresses, canned vegetables, looked after other family members children as well as her own. She is patient, kind, forgiving, supportive. One year my husband and I both worked, him 2 jobs. He had an operation and had to be out of work-the second job with no pay. One Friday I was in kitchen washing dishes, wondering how we were to make it through the week, as we had just paid a huge mortgage bill. Someone pulls into the yard, it is Mom. She stopped by on her way from work.." Here's forty dollars, I just thought you could use it right now". Thanks you angel. On Saturday nights, after her bath she would Jergens up, roll her hair with Dippity Do and watch Hee Haw. My mom is wonderful; I could write hundreds of stories about her and they would all be good. Praise the Lord! thanks for my tiny Sarah!

I love this image and slice of ‘70s life. We had so much fun watching Hee Haw as a family.

I hadn’t thought of this in years. I can smell the Jergen’s and Dippity Do!

Anonymous wrote:
Senior year of high school. A long-distance friend in another state, a guy, asks me to come there and be his date for prom.

My mom, always up for a road trip, says sure, and we head to his town several hours away. She thinks it's cool and kind of hilarious that we're "crossing state lines for purposes of transporting a prom date."

As I'm leaving our hotel room in my prom dress, to go meet him in the lobby, I turn and ask her--being a Very Good Girl as a teen, and aware that we're in a town we don't know and she might worry a bit -- "What time do you want me back here by?"

She looked at me with that wry way she had and replied, "I've never set a curfew for you before this, and I'm not gonna start now. Go have a good time."

That was Mama. She trusted me, knew how to appreciate little things like a prom or a simple road trip, she was funny, she was loving, she was sometimes (I now realize) depressed and sometimes salty but always, always on my side. And she never did set a curfew for me, or judge any guy I ever dated, or any friend I ever had. Her trust made me want to be worthy of her trust in me. Miss her every day.

This is so much my Mom. No curfew. She said “There’s no trouble that you can get into after midnight that you can’t get into before that.” She taught HS, and she was one of those tough teachers that was beloved by her students, especially the ones that had tough home situations. They’d tell her everything. She’d say to me, “I know you’re going to do what you want, so I just have to trust that you’ll show good judgment.” I think of things she let me do, and now, as a parent, I can’t believe it. But she was right to trust me. When I got older, we were discussing some life decision I was making, and she said “You know, you’ve made a lot of decisions I wasn’t sure about, but they’ve all turned out well, so I guess I just need to understand that you know what’s best for you.” As an adult, she was my best friend. My DH said he loved listening to us talk on the phone because we laughed so much. I miss her every day.

She was a proper, upstanding mom, a scientist who was also devout but had a sense of humor. Not strict or uptight, just right. our family is Hindu and when we would go to the temple on festivals it was expected to bring flowers. Well one day she forgot the flowers. I’ll never forget how she coolly and confidently walked over to our grumpy neighbor’s side yard and picked all of their tulips! There were no windows on that side of the house, but I’m sure our neighbor assumed my brother or I did it. She just laughed it off. Just like that.

Miss you every day, Mom! You were your own original badass.

My mother read to me every night on our couch after dinner when I was 4-6 We didn’t have a car or a TV. What a bigger world she shared. I remember still the moment Robinson Crusoe comes upon a human foot print on the beach of the island he has been marooned on. She’s been gone now 30 years.

Thanks mom.

Anonymous wrote:

So I guess you would mourn that you were not being loved by your parents. But, you would not mourn their absence. You would not mourn not being able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them. Yes, I have sympathy and I have a lot of pity for you. I cannot say that there can be empathy for you from me, because what you are describing has not been experienced by me.

You can empathize without having experienced the exact same thing that someone else has…

And yes, people who lacked loving parents, mourn not being able to see, talk, hug and celebrate with their parents. Every day. For most of their lives. The only thing we don’t mourn is the abuse.

Keep working on your empathy pal. If your mom was so loving, you can figure it out.

This is really rude.

My mother came and stayed with us for a month each time I had a baby. She taught DH and I how to care for a newborn, cooked, cleaned, and entertained our eldest when our you youngest was born. But, most importantly, she was (and still is) our biggest cheerleader. She encouraged us and helped us laugh even when we were exhausted. She has never judged our parenting, our kids, our marriage etc. We are so grateful for her and my Dad.

So I guess you would mourn that you were not being loved by your parents. But, you would not mourn their absence. You would not mourn not being able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them. Yes, I have sympathy and I have a lot of pity for you. I cannot say that there can be empathy for you from me, because what you are describing has not been experienced by me.

You can empathize without having experienced the exact same thing that someone else has…

And yes, people who lacked loving parents, mourn not being able to see, talk, hug and celebrate with their parents. Every day. For most of their lives. The only thing we don’t mourn is the abuse.

Keep working on your empathy pal. If your mom was so loving, you can figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My mom was an excellent homemaker. Each day, we walked in after school to eat a hot lunch and very often the aroma of a cale (no icing) to eat with milk before we went out to play with our friends. She was a loving, calming presence in our home and she created a serene sanctuary for us. She remains the least judgmental, best therapist and amazing guide for all of us even now when all her kids are above 60.

I have had the best childhood and adulthood. The only bad point is that my siblings and I will be devastated when she goes. That is one advantage people who have bad parents have over me. They will not mourn when their parents pass away.

Wrong. We get abused and we mourn when they die. We also mourn the loss of a parental figure our entire lives.

I see one thing your mother could've worked on, developing her children's sense of empathy.

I have sympathy for you because you are describing a Jerry Springer episode. But, yes, I cannot have empathy when I have not seen abusive parents in my family or in the society I was raised in. The kind of widespread parental abuse and neglect. that happens in this country was new to me, when I first immigrated. I actually used to be terrified and be very disturbed when I used to watch the talk shows. They were describing really horrific abuse and there was no societal pressure for parents to behave properly.

To a foreigner, the kind of dysfunctional and angry society and families that USA has is something else. At the same time family, parenthood, motherhood, marriage are so devalued and disrespected in this country that I am sure women feel angry that they are moms and have to care for children. These forums are full of people who hate their children and who hate their parents/ILs, spouses. You name it. If you grew up without love, you may not be able to give love to someone else. How can you? And what does an individual have to lose if he does not have a loving family. Then these people will behave like the criminally insane.

So I guess you would mourn that you were not being loved by your parents. But, you would not mourn their absence. You would not mourn not being able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them. Yes, I have sympathy and I have a lot of pity for you. I cannot say that there can be empathy for you from me, because what you are describing has not been experienced by me.

Sympathy? Yes. Lots. It is horrible for a child to be abused and not have loving parents.

This forum is full of people who are seeking free therapy for real and imagined problems. Some of the parents were actually abusive. Some of the adult children are entitled or narcissists, or both. But don't take this forum as a reflection of American society--it's not. It's a forum of people who want/need to talk about themselves and their real or imagined issues, which makes it unrepresentative of the vast bulk of well-adjusted folks who face minor speed bumps in life and deal with them well.

Look, I am assimilated. Reality is divorce rate is 50%. Pay parity is not there. Gun violence and mental health issues are rampant. No long paid maternity/paternity leave, racism and misogyny is very widespread. This is a very harsh society to live in. Coming from another country, you realize what works and what does not, in a very stark manner.

My mom saw Bigfoot in backcountry New Jersey.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My mom was an excellent homemaker. Each day, we walked in after school to eat a hot lunch and very often the aroma of a cale (no icing) to eat with milk before we went out to play with our friends. She was a loving, calming presence in our home and she created a serene sanctuary for us. She remains the least judgmental, best therapist and amazing guide for all of us even now when all her kids are above 60.

I have had the best childhood and adulthood. The only bad point is that my siblings and I will be devastated when she goes. That is one advantage people who have bad parents have over me. They will not mourn when their parents pass away.

Wrong. We get abused and we mourn when they die. We also mourn the loss of a parental figure our entire lives.

I see one thing your mother could've worked on, developing her children's sense of empathy.

I have sympathy for you because you are describing a Jerry Springer episode. But, yes, I cannot have empathy when I have not seen abusive parents in my family or in the society I was raised in. The kind of widespread parental abuse and neglect. that happens in this country was new to me, when I first immigrated. I actually used to be terrified and be very disturbed when I used to watch the talk shows. They were describing really horrific abuse and there was no societal pressure for parents to behave properly.

To a foreigner, the kind of dysfunctional and angry society and families that USA has is something else. At the same time family, parenthood, motherhood, marriage are so devalued and disrespected in this country that I am sure women feel angry that they are moms and have to care for children. These forums are full of people who hate their children and who hate their parents/ILs, spouses. You name it. If you grew up without love, you may not be able to give love to someone else. How can you? And what does an individual have to lose if he does not have a loving family. Then these people will behave like the criminally insane.

So I guess you would mourn that you were not being loved by your parents. But, you would not mourn their absence. You would not mourn not being able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them. Yes, I have sympathy and I have a lot of pity for you. I cannot say that there can be empathy for you from me, because what you are describing has not been experienced by me.

Sympathy? Yes. Lots. It is horrible for a child to be abused and not have loving parents.

This forum is full of people who are seeking free therapy for real and imagined problems. Some of the parents were actually abusive. Some of the adult children are entitled or narcissists, or both. But don't take this forum as a reflection of American society--it's not. It's a forum of people who want/need to talk about themselves and their real or imagined issues, which makes it unrepresentative of the vast bulk of well-adjusted folks who face minor speed bumps in life and deal with them well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My mom was an excellent homemaker. Each day, we walked in after school to eat a hot lunch and very often the aroma of a cale (no icing) to eat with milk before we went out to play with our friends. She was a loving, calming presence in our home and she created a serene sanctuary for us. She remains the least judgmental, best therapist and amazing guide for all of us even now when all her kids are above 60.

I have had the best childhood and adulthood. The only bad point is that my siblings and I will be devastated when she goes. That is one advantage people who have bad parents have over me. They will not mourn when their parents pass away.

Wrong. We get abused and we mourn when they die. We also mourn the loss of a parental figure our entire lives.

I see one thing your mother could've worked on, developing her children's sense of empathy.

I have sympathy for you because you are describing a Jerry Springer episode. But, yes, I cannot have empathy when I have not seen abusive parents in my family or in the society I was raised in. The kind of widespread parental abuse and neglect. that happens in this country was new to me, when I first immigrated. I actually used to be terrified and be very disturbed when I used to watch the talk shows. They were describing really horrific abuse and there was no societal pressure for parents to behave properly.

To a foreigner, the kind of dysfunctional and angry society and families that USA has is something else. At the same time family, parenthood, motherhood, marriage are so devalued and disrespected in this country that I am sure women feel angry that they are moms and have to care for children. These forums are full of people who hate their children and who hate their parents/ILs, spouses. You name it. If you grew up without love, you may not be able to give love to someone else. How can you? And what does an individual have to lose if he does not have a loving family. Then these people will behave like the criminally insane.

So I guess you would mourn that you were not being loved by your parents. But, you would not mourn their absence. You would not mourn not being able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them. Yes, I have sympathy and I have a lot of pity for you. I cannot say that there can be empathy for you from me, because what you are describing has not been experienced by me.

Sympathy? Yes. Lots. It is horrible for a child to be abused and not have loving parents.

Anonymous wrote: My mom was an excellent homemaker. Each day, we walked in after school to eat a hot lunch and very often the aroma of a cale (no icing) to eat with milk before we went out to play with our friends. She was a loving, calming presence in our home and she created a serene sanctuary for us. She remains the least judgmental, best therapist and amazing guide for all of us even now when all her kids are above 60.

I have had the best childhood and adulthood. The only bad point is that my siblings and I will be devastated when she goes. That is one advantage people who have bad parents have over me. They will not mourn when their parents pass away.

Your mom sounds wonderful. I also strive to create a safe, calm, loving space for my family. Just my opinion but I think it’s so important!!!

Anonymous wrote: My mom was an excellent homemaker. Each day, we walked in after school to eat a hot lunch and very often the aroma of a cale (no icing) to eat with milk before we went out to play with our friends. She was a loving, calming presence in our home and she created a serene sanctuary for us. She remains the least judgmental, best therapist and amazing guide for all of us even now when all her kids are above 60.

I have had the best childhood and adulthood. The only bad point is that my siblings and I will be devastated when she goes. That is one advantage people who have bad parents have over me. They will not mourn when their parents pass away.

Wrong. We get abused and we mourn when they die. We also mourn the loss of a parental figure our entire lives.

I see one thing your mother could've worked on, developing her children's sense of empathy.