Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is triggering to me. Frankly at this point I think I just might make myself a hotel reservation and spa reservation for the whole weekend. I absolutely just cannot have another awful mother's day. I don't want to travel and stay at MILs (packing up kids, baby screaming for hours in the car and not doing a single thing that I like). I'm so grateful that my mom and I celebrate on a different day. DH is too much of a wimp to make that happen.

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Anonymous wrote:1) Discuss plans with your spouse/children/other family members and make the plans you want
2) Cancel or adjust plans you don’t want to go through with
3) Ask your children and/or your spouse for a specific gift or experience
4) Tell your spouse what you will not be doing, so it’s clear that you are not buying gifts or making plans for someone else
5) Plan exactly the day you want and inform people what you are doing

There’s still time. No excuses, no whining.

I shouldn't have to. If my family does not know my likes, food preferences, etc. after 15-25 years (depending on who it is in the family), then yes, I do get to be upset. I do not ask for a big production. I don't demand a "Very Special Day." I do expect a little bit of thought by them, or for THEM to ask me. I'm not planning Mother's Day after planning every other holiday and birthday. I'm just not.

Enjoy your Day o' Bitterness! I took two seconds to tell DH and the kids that this year I will be going to the spa and I want to come home to a clean house and Chinese for dinner. Guess what I'm getting? Exactly what I want.

Good for you? I'm the PP you're responding to and, mercifully, I don't have to do that. My dh is not a child. He knows my preferences after 20+ years. As he should be expected to.

But aren't you just a delight! Wishing ill on another mother on mother's day! Your own mom must be so proud of the job she did with you. Nasty piece of work.

It’s not “wishing ill” to tell repeat whiners to speak up instead of stewing in bitter silence.

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Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

The mother who is currently actively mothering gets priority.

In your opinion — but the fact is that there will be numerous posts from women whose husbands did something thoughtful for their own mothers, but nothing for the mother of their children.

NP. Yes, that’s why this post makes the point that there is still time to sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about how you want the day to go.

Yes, because no one ever posts here that they told their husband exactly what they wanted and he didn’t do it.

My point is simply that there will be complaints. You can’t solve this problem by telling people what to do 3 weeks in advance and saying “no excuses, no whining.”

90% percent of the whining is for stuff that was 100% preventable with some planning and communication. Especially the total woe-is-me types who expect people to read their minds and are like “even some take-out would have been nice.” Like hand him a menu and a phone.

You’re missing the whole point. The moms who say “even some take-out would have been nice,” aren’t saying that they wanted someone to make the phone call to place a takeout order for them; they’re saying that while they didn’t need their families to do anything elaborate or time consuming to make them feel loved and appreciated, they’re disappointed that their spouses did literally nothing out of the ordinary, made no effort, took no initiative, showed no interest in celebrating them. That’s still true if you make your husband make a phone call so you don’t have to make dinner.

If you take the initiative one year and open your mouth and use your words, maybe the next year and subsequent years will be different. You will at least have voiced your desires, and that is important. It’s important both for you to say and for your spouse and kids to hear. If you ask for it one year and have a good day and say how nice it was, I pretty much guarantee the next year at least one spouse or kids will remember and will think let’s do that again.

What chutzpah! What naïveté.

Oh, I guess other people’s lived experiences count for nothing? Because this is what I saw my mom do: she finally told my dad she wanted the day to be about her, not some communal celebration with her mom and his mom. And…that’s what happened that year and all years going forward. But hey, whatever doesn’t work for you, keep doing that.

I will have a great Mother’s Day, like I always do. Like my mom before me, I let my husband know that my favorite thing is a handmade card from each kid and that I would like to see my mom. And I’ll get that and have a great day. Yes I communicate but I’m also lucky. But honestly I know women whose husbands will completely forget the day and run out with the kid mid day to grab some flowers. I feel like you made this thread so you can be like “this is YOUR FAULT I TOLD YOU” to anyone who is disappointed on Mother’s Day. I can’t imagine why you else you would end with your rude no excuses closing comment.

So? Do the DHs not have any other redeeming qualities? Are these DWs so fragile that they are all broken up for it? Why are they with these men then? Divorce them. Or better still, don't procreate with them. Sheesh!

These DHs won't feel bad if you did not celebrate the made-up holiday of Father's Day! Idiots!

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Anonymous wrote:1) Discuss plans with your spouse/children/other family members and make the plans you want
2) Cancel or adjust plans you don’t want to go through with
3) Ask your children and/or your spouse for a specific gift or experience
4) Tell your spouse what you will not be doing, so it’s clear that you are not buying gifts or making plans for someone else
5) Plan exactly the day you want and inform people what you are doing

There’s still time. No excuses, no whining.

I shouldn't have to. If my family does not know my likes, food preferences, etc. after 15-25 years (depending on who it is in the family), then yes, I do get to be upset. I do not ask for a big production. I don't demand a "Very Special Day." I do expect a little bit of thought by them, or for THEM to ask me. I'm not planning Mother's Day after planning every other holiday and birthday. I'm just not.

Enjoy your Day o' Bitterness! I took two seconds to tell DH and the kids that this year I will be going to the spa and I want to come home to a clean house and Chinese for dinner. Guess what I'm getting? Exactly what I want.

Good for you? I'm the PP you're responding to and, mercifully, I don't have to do that. My dh is not a child. He knows my preferences after 20+ years. As he should be expected to.

But aren't you just a delight! Wishing ill on another mother on mother's day! Your own mom must be so proud of the job she did with you. Nasty piece of work.

Anonymous wrote:"It means that some of us are cleaning up vomit, changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night for sick children, cooking dinner nightly for a family, etc. You don't think older moms have it easier? I adore my mom btw."

My mom who is about 75 years old still does this. She does it for herself and my dad. I have one kid who is away at college, so I just take care of myself and I don't vomit much or need diapers. My mom took care of me and my siblings when we were little. She was also there for me when my kid was born and did everything I could possibly want in order to make me more comfortable and able to focus on my kid. She helps my sister who is divorced and needs help with after school care or when the nephews are sick and can't go to school. So, yes. My mom will be feted on Mothers Day.

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Anonymous wrote:1) Discuss plans with your spouse/children/other family members and make the plans you want
2) Cancel or adjust plans you don’t want to go through with
3) Ask your children and/or your spouse for a specific gift or experience
4) Tell your spouse what you will not be doing, so it’s clear that you are not buying gifts or making plans for someone else
5) Plan exactly the day you want and inform people what you are doing

There’s still time. No excuses, no whining.

I shouldn't have to. If my family does not know my likes, food preferences, etc. after 15-25 years (depending on who it is in the family), then yes, I do get to be upset. I do not ask for a big production. I don't demand a "Very Special Day." I do expect a little bit of thought by them, or for THEM to ask me. I'm not planning Mother's Day after planning every other holiday and birthday. I'm just not.

Enjoy your Day o' Bitterness! I took two seconds to tell DH and the kids that this year I will be going to the spa and I want to come home to a clean house and Chinese for dinner. Guess what I'm getting? Exactly what I want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Discuss plans with your spouse/children/other family members and make the plans you want
2) Cancel or adjust plans you don’t want to go through with
3) Ask your children and/or your spouse for a specific gift or experience
4) Tell your spouse what you will not be doing, so it’s clear that you are not buying gifts or making plans for someone else
5) Plan exactly the day you want and inform people what you are doing

There’s still time. No excuses, no whining.

I shouldn't have to. If my family does not know my likes, food preferences, etc. after 15-25 years (depending on who it is in the family), then yes, I do get to be upset. I do not ask for a big production. I don't demand a "Very Special Day." I do expect a little bit of thought by them, or for THEM to ask me. I'm not planning Mother's Day after planning every other holiday and birthday. I'm just not.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - the larger issue here is that people can’t stand their extended families and view it as a hardship/punishment to spend time with them rather than a treat.

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Anonymous wrote:No op your post it nuts. Mother's begging for mother's day gifts this is just so pathetic and thirsty.

OP here. When did I say all mothers had to “beg”? (The plural of mothers, by the way is “mothers,” and not “mother’s”—that’s the possessive.)

What I am saying is that, time and again, DCUM turns into a major whinefest every year right before and right after Mother’s Day. So, instead of whining, use your words and talk to your spouse and to your kids about what you want and what you do not want, if it is important to you.

I appreciate your attempt, but this will happen again this year and every year. Maybe you should avoid DCUM around Mothers Day if it bothers you.

What an asinine comment. if OP's post can help one clueless DH get his stuff together for the day, it was worth it. Maybe YOU should ignore posts that bother you, hmm?

But it’s not directed at the men. It’s preemptive scolding for moms. Why not say hey DH you could be planning a nice Mother’s Day right now! Ask your wife what she wants to do! -signed a mom who doesn’t care about Mother’s Day at all and but can handle other people feeling differently

Because there are like 5 men on DCUM, silly. I love how you’re telling me to do what you’re saying you shouldn’t have to do—tell men what to do for Mother’s Day! LOLOLOL

No I think your tone is incredibly off putting. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with communicating your wants at all (my husband knows I don’t want him to buy me jewelry, I don’t wear it and I feel bad) but framing this as “it’s your fault if you don’t have the day you are hoping for” is just rude and smug.

Year #1 of disappointment? No, that’s not on you. That’s not who any of this is about. Year #2, 3, 4, and you’ve never once sat down and made a plan with DH? Yeah. You’re setting him up to fail every time by expecting him to be a mind reader. If you want someone to know that something is important to you, you communicate. And guess what, not everyone even cares about Mother’s Day, so there’s no “of course he should know.”

Anonymous wrote:1) Discuss plans with your spouse/children/other family members and make the plans you want
2) Cancel or adjust plans you don’t want to go through with
3) Ask your children and/or your spouse for a specific gift or experience
4) Tell your spouse what you will not be doing, so it’s clear that you are not buying gifts or making plans for someone else
5) Plan exactly the day you want and inform people what you are doing

There’s still time. No excuses, no whining.

Anonymous wrote:White women are really scary. So the DH cannot celebrate his mother, his grandmother, his SIL - along with you? Huh?