Wow! There is so much trauma in the American culture.

In my culture, mom and baby are in seclusion for 40 days. Only 2-3 caregivers go into seclusion with the mom and baby and pretty much nurse the mom back to health. My mom, sister and my DH were with me for my postpartum.

Between the three of them - they took care of the house, me and my baby. For 40 days, my only job was only to nurse and bond with the baby, sleep and heal.

I understand why you’re estranged from your family.

I didn’t follow a single rule on your list. I want to enjoy my life. It’s like you want to make this as difficult as possible. You have extreme anxiety and want to push it on everyone else.

Good luck with parenthood. You’re going to end up with severe mental health problems after the birth. Instead of focusing on a lactation consultant, I’d find a psychiatrist. I am not saying that to be mean. You have issues and need help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hotel sounds reasonable, everything else sounds like you are making up rules because you don’t really want them to come.

+1. It sounds like you’re stressed, don’t like DH’s family, and are trying to control everything. Let this go. Most people don’t want to kiss the baby on the face and post on social media. Just have the stay at a hotel and come for increments of time. And asking to take shoes off is reasonable.

Dude, have you met boomers, they trade social currency in FB posts about “their baby” (aka the grandkid). The amount of times I’ve had to remind my MIL to keep her crusty lips off my toddler’s face is too numerous to count.

This is such a rude comment. I am sure your MIL is no angel but you're no prize either.

Get off your high horse, Linda.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the responses. I'll respond later tonight.

Here's the thing - I'm a nurse in NYC. I've seen babies admitted for RSV/Flu from just being around family and friends. I've seen he complications. Hence masking and testing. Anyone can get an at home covid/flu/RSV test through LabCorp. You mail it in and they are pretty fast with the turnaround

We still wear masks to grocery store and places that have a lot of people and so do our friends.

Yes I've seen a LC. Again from my job I know how hard it can be for some dyads. Even knowing what I know as a credentialed LC myself I reached out for help because I know It could go either way. But yes skin to skin and offering the breast every 2-2.5 hours in those first 48 hours helps. Minus one longer sleep session. It's not for weeks on end
It's until milk transitions. It's quite possible it's a non issue and things are fine or that I'm absolutely a wreck and can't keep it up and that's fine too. I want to set the expectation that baby will be with me and dh for the majority of he time during the first few weeks while we get the hang of it.

I actually get along with my in laws but DH sister's experience was interesting. They would go into their bedroom and take baby from the bassinet to hold at night because mil can't sleep and is an insomniac. They really pushed bottle feeding so they could participate in feedings from the first week. Sil planned for no visitors but they drove 5 hours to the hospital the day of anyway and at that point she was too tired to protest but didn't want it.

Hugs OP. Thank you for health care service. I've got a maternal-child MPH degree work for the feds in public health, and I actually agree with your rules especially given past violations. Please do what you are comfortable with based on your medical knowledge and experiences. I would definitely insist your MIL stay a hotel.

Sorry for the hate you've gotten.

Why are you thinking her for doing a job that she gets paid for! Absolutely ludicrous.

I say this gently. You are fixated on this because you are nervous about your own adjustment to parenthood. You should have boundaries and general guidelines for the baby’s safety - masking or tests or vaccines for example. I think it’s good to keep your space to yourselves since it’s small, tight quarters. I also think if you come on to strong with all these “rules” you will create more tension and issues than if you play it by ear.

Pre-baby DH needs to talk to his family and be explicit and firm about what you jointly decide. “Mom and Dad, we prefer not to have any visitors in the hospital. When we get home from the hospital, we will accept visitors once we’ve been home for 2 nights. Due to the size and layout of our home, we will not host any overnight guests. You can stay somewhere nearby and stop by during the day.”

After baby, you and your husband need signals. Those signals are for “give me my baby back now” and “get these people out of my house, I’m exhausted”. Your husband needs to have pre-planned phrases and things to say to his parents or family like “We are exhausted, I think it’s time to call it a day. We’ll see you tomorrow.” Or “Mom please come help me in the kitchen” or “Dad, please come with me to pick up takeout”.

Finally, please let me assure you that my mom told anyone and everyone for months “I will hold the baby so she can shower / eat / etc”. And I FREAKED out because all I wanted to do was hold my baby. Before I delivered I broke down in tears after she made the same dumb comment for the 99th time and said “I am YOUR baby. If you are coming in the hazy, early days, I need you to take care of ME so I can take care of MY baby.” She got it. She did not hog the baby. After a few weeks, I was even ready to let other people hold the baby too!

Finally, if you are breastfeeding and the family is the way you describe, make sure your husband is ready to shoot down immediately any comments how if you used bottles other people could “help you” or how you are being selfish since no one else gets to feed the baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hotel sounds reasonable, everything else sounds like you are making up rules because you don’t really want them to come.

+1. It sounds like you’re stressed, don’t like DH’s family, and are trying to control everything. Let this go. Most people don’t want to kiss the baby on the face and post on social media. Just have the stay at a hotel and come for increments of time. And asking to take shoes off is reasonable.

Dude, have you met boomers, they trade social currency in FB posts about “their baby” (aka the grandkid). The amount of times I’ve had to remind my MIL to keep her crusty lips off my toddler’s face is too numerous to count.

This is such a rude comment. I am sure your MIL is no angel but you're no prize either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who responded to you. The one thing that jumped out at me was you saying that they can hold the baby for only as long as you say it is ok. First of all, I doubt they were literally talking about hours. It is a figure of speech! Just means they want to love their grandbaby!

Yes. So many people have said this. It's an indication of how happy and excited they are.

You sound a little over the top, OP. Sanitizing phones?

I think you need to read OP's update.

I did. I also have a child who could have died from RSV, and was fragile. Sanitizing phones is still over the top.

Tell the offending ILs that it's time to feed the baby. Since they can't do that - they'll have to relinquish baby.

They obviously need to stay in a hotel.

One nurse's approach with her covid baby:

Vaccines were mandatory. Grandma came in, went straight to the powder room. She changed her clothes and mask and washed her hands. Then she could hold the baby.

You can also say no visitors at the hospital.

If OP is even still reading this, I just want to say as a medical professional and mom of 3:

- Things that matter in the newborn period = baby's health and mom's health, which includes physical and mental
- Things that don't matter (right now) = expectations of others (eg omg we didnt meet baby for 3 whole months poor us) - it's not about them!

The only people who should come into your home right now are those who bring a sense of relief to you based on how they behave and the help they offer. Everything is else is noise and deal with it later. Your baby, your body, your house, your rules. Everyone shaming you for being anxious is ridiculous. Your rules are reasonable, and if you are feeling anxious, that's normal! Having a baby is anxiety-provoking. Stay true to your gut and don't let pushy in laws, etc. bully you.

Anonymous wrote:Do people really not maks when visiting a newborn?
With everything that's happened in the last 3 years....

Most people have jobs, social gatherings, older kids who are daycare germ bombs....why wouldn't you mask to protect a newborn baby

+1

Anonymous wrote:Is this too much to ask of family? I'm not at all worried about friends or anyone else. Mostly DHs family. My family is a non issue (dead/estranged)

1. Yes if course they can hold baby but not for hours on end. They have made comments like we will just hold baby and hand them back over to feed. That doesn't work for me. ...

2. Masking for the first few weeks/months

3. Flu/RSV/covid test before visiting/ even if that means traveling here and waiting a few days before they see us. They would be flying up from Florida

In laws don't get the flu vac. They only have one covid vax. I know if I pressed it they would get them. But it's not just the vaccines. They are careless and they do not limit exposure or social distance.

4. No kissing baby on the face or hands

5. No social media - we don't use regularly and we aren't posting or sharing either

6. Asking them to stay at a hotel - not sure if that means we would need to pay for the hotel. Open to it

7. Random things like shoes off - which we are always reminding them of, wiping phones w alcohol wipes, washing hands

We live in a large 1 bedroom and when they have visited before they sleep in an air mattress in our living room....

2 inlaws sleeping in the livng room of a 1 bedroom apartment for 1 week plus? This isn't a week where OP+partner/spouse are out of the house for work or activities. 4 adults and 1 postpartum sharing 1 bathroom while confined to the house. NO.

They stay in a hotel and come over for day shift- get something for baby to sleep in the living room. OP gets 2 great sleeps-1 am, 1 pm in the bedroom. Inlaws do laundry, clean, and provide food. Another poster wrote about a mom or inlaw with mobility issues- no one with mobility issues carries the baby, wears an infant carrier, or pushes a stroller.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had crazy anxiety like this. She wanted us to drive three hours each way to visit for exactly 1.5 hours while masked even after negative Covid test. We were already vaccinated for Covid, flu and Tdap. And baby was born in the summer, not even prime illness season. We took that as them not wanting us to visit and we didn’t meet our nephew until he was 3 months old. She and my BIL were literally at the hospital when my last was born. Oh well. Their baby, their anxiety, their rules.

I guess I'll get thrown on the "you sound crazy" pile but 3 months does not sound particularly late to meet a new niece/nephew that lives three hours away. If they were on your block, sure. But if you're in different states 3 months is still a new baby and the parents get time together alone and the kid gets some of his shots.

Maybe for your family. These very same in-laws came to the hospital for all three of my kids. We’re a close family. Thankfully, SIL got treatment for her anxiety and visits are easier and more frequent.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the responses. I'll respond later tonight.

Here's the thing - I'm a nurse in NYC. I've seen babies admitted for RSV/Flu from just being around family and friends. I've seen he complications. Hence masking and testing. Anyone can get an at home covid/flu/RSV test through LabCorp. You mail it in and they are pretty fast with the turnaround

We still wear masks to grocery store and places that have a lot of people and so do our friends.

Yes I've seen a LC. Again from my job I know how hard it can be for some dyads. Even knowing what I know as a credentialed LC myself I reached out for help because I know It could go either way. But yes skin to skin and offering the breast every 2-2.5 hours in those first 48 hours helps. Minus one longer sleep session. It's not for weeks on end
It's until milk transitions. It's quite possible it's a non issue and things are fine or that I'm absolutely a wreck and can't keep it up and that's fine too. I want to set the expectation that baby will be with me and dh for the majority of he time during the first few weeks while we get the hang of it.

I actually get along with my in laws but DH sister's experience was interesting. They would go into their bedroom and take baby from the bassinet to hold at night because mil can't sleep and is an insomniac. They really pushed bottle feeding so they could participate in feedings from the first week. Sil planned for no visitors but they drove 5 hours to the hospital the day of anyway and at that point she was too tired to protest but didn't want it.

Hugs OP. Thank you for health care service. I've got a maternal-child MPH degree work for the feds in public health, and I actually agree with your rules especially given past violations. Please do what you are comfortable with based on your medical knowledge and experiences. I would definitely insist your MIL stay a hotel.

Sorry for the hate you've gotten.

your list does look a little insane, but the rules are reasonable -- it's your presentation that's off. to me you're missing the the most important vaccine -- DTAP.

a hotel sounds reasonable. i don't know if Flu and RSV tests are prevalent. i wouldn't require them. just ask they don't visit if they're sick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who responded to you. The one thing that jumped out at me was you saying that they can hold the baby for only as long as you say it is ok. First of all, I doubt they were literally talking about hours. It is a figure of speech! Just means they want to love their grandbaby!

Yes. So many people have said this. It's an indication of how happy and excited they are.

You sound a little over the top, OP. Sanitizing phones?

I think you need to read OP's update.

With all your rules the ONLY way I would visit is to stay in a hotel. Control! Control! You may find that you will be much happier and relaxed by not trying to control everything and everybody.