Anonymous wrote:Read The Gift of Fear. Your intuition is there for a reason; respect it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone would have had a different reaction to OP’s post if she said the neighborhood seemed dangerous because of xyz and I looked it up and they have some of the worst crime rates in the area. OK, whatever. Reasonable question: how do you deal with that with a friend?

But this was I had an intangible feeling of danger, but still have them the benefit of the doubt (why would they need that even if the neighborhood was dangerous?). Given that Google is a thing, I assume she doesn’t have actual stats showing that the neighborhood has a lot of crime. Instead what she means is that the neighborhood felt poorer and, likely, blacker than she was used to. The fact the kid doesn’t have lots of play dates at their house probably means this was a big deal for the girl and means OP sucks all the more.

Or more Hispanic.

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone would have had a different reaction to OP’s post if she said the neighborhood seemed dangerous because of xyz and I looked it up and they have some of the worst crime rates in the area. OK, whatever. Reasonable question: how do you deal with that with a friend?

But this was I had an intangible feeling of danger, but still have them the benefit of the doubt (why would they need that even if the neighborhood was dangerous?). Given that Google is a thing, I assume she doesn’t have actual stats showing that the neighborhood has a lot of crime. Instead what she means is that the neighborhood felt poorer and, likely, blacker than she was used to. The fact the kid doesn’t have lots of play dates at their house probably means this was a big deal for the girl and means OP sucks all the more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read The Gift of Fear. Your intuition is there for a reason; respect it

Honest question: how do you tell the difference between implicit racism/classism and “fear?”

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone would have had a different reaction to OP’s post if she said the neighborhood seemed dangerous because of xyz and I looked it up and they have some of the worst crime rates in the area. OK, whatever. Reasonable question: how do you deal with that with a friend?

But this was I had an intangible feeling of danger, but still have them the benefit of the doubt (why would they need that even if the neighborhood was dangerous?). Given that Google is a thing, I assume she doesn’t have actual stats showing that the neighborhood has a lot of crime. Instead what she means is that the neighborhood felt poorer and, likely, blacker than she was used to. The fact the kid doesn’t have lots of play dates at their house probably means this was a big deal for the girl and means OP sucks all the more.

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Anonymous wrote:People judging OP for “judging”: why don’t you all live in these neighborhoods? You could save so much money on housing. It seems like a perfect financial opportunity. So why don’t you want to live there?

I do.

You live in an unsafe neighborhood and pretend and/or tell others it isn’t unsafe? Why?

I live in a lower income neighborhood, because that’s what I’m able to afford. Surely you’re familiar with that concept? That doesn’t make it unsafe for my kids to have school friends over.

The level to which OP feels she needs to clutch her pearls when at this family’s house is not an accurate indicator of whether the neighborhood is safe or not.

Lower income doesn’t always mean the same as unsafe and you know it. I live in a lower income neighborhood, too, but it’s safe here. I know of low income UNSAFE neighborhoods, too.

But op said she couldn't provide examples of why it's unsafe. Were there men smoking dope or drinking liquor on the corner and cat calling? Did she hear gunfire? Were there rats running to and fro? So called low income people want what we all want: a roof over our head, food on the table and happiness.

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Anonymous wrote:DD12 has been getting close with a classmate this year, and they hung out for the first time this weekend. The mom picked up from our house and took them out for the afternoon with the plan of us picking up DD from their house later. Everything seemed copacetic at pickup. The mom seemed really nice. The girl is a sweetheart; I’ve interacted with her in passing on one or more of their FaceTimes.

Later at pickup, I got weird really vibes. Not the best neighborhood but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I can’t explain it, but my intuition senses something off and I just felt the need to flee. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. Without prompt, DD later told me that the friend told her she never has friends over and DD was the first school friend to ever come over.

I would love to have the girl over our house, but I’m not comfortable with DD going over there again. How do we handle this in the event she’s invited over? Is there a tactful way to respond? I have no problem picking the girl up, or the mom taking the girls out like she did, but I don’t feel comfortable with DD going back to their house. Thoughts?

Wow that was really big of you to “give them the benefit of the doubt”. Sounds like the thing that’s pinging your radar is that the family is poor.

The family seems wonderful and I don’t know them well enough to know their situation, but my daughter’s safety comes first and I’m sorry if that’s harsh but I won’t apologize. It’s not like I’m not letting my daughter hang out with the girl. I just don’t feel comfortable with her going over there.

Your post and this comment says everything about you. Rationalize it anyone you want OP. It isn't your intuition. It is they are mutts and you are a pure bred - in your mind. If you rolled up to a McMansion you would be dropping off with barely meeting the parents. It is you, not them. I know you won't see that now. But if you have someone else reread your posts and describe you, you wouldn't like what they would say.

End the friendship. You can't have a one sided relationship. If they end being best friends, you can't hide your terrible judge personality forever. And eventually sadly, your daughter will turn into you anyway. Hopefully she ends up resenting you and grows up to be a decent human being.

Anonymous wrote:just as for the part where the girl hadn't had friends over before, at our private schools lower income friends rarely have friends over and most socialization happens at upper income kids' houses bc lower income kids are embarrassed abo their houses or they're too small for gatherings