Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- just want to clarify a couple of things.

MIL’s care for the last 2 years was that she required rides to weekly dialysis and dr appointments. She was independently driving until the last 6 months. SIL/BIL moved in 10 years ago to be closer to their now 30yo daughter (who wants car). In that time SIL has had a variety of retail jobs and was working on degree. She has been working full-time for the last year. So while she hasn’t been full-time caregiver, we do think there is a burden of being the go to person for emergencies this whole time and that was why DH wanted to support her in keeping house.

Grandchild who wants the car is 30 and she and her husband already have 2 cars. I have no idea what is going on there. I agree it should be sold and if possible split proceeds with other grandchild it was left to (who is 16 and has just gotten license).

Still not sleeping.

You and your DH are right in recognizing that there is a burden in being the go-to person for emergencies. My brother was in that role as he was the only sibling living in our home town who was able to do so (our other sibling was developmentally disabled and not able to handle these needs). While I handled the bulk of parent paper work as well as handling the sales of the home and property, etc., I could largely schedule that on my time while he would have to leave work whenever he got a call. He generally didn't complain, but he did once quip that he finally understood why his younger sisters had left town.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- just want to clarify a couple of things.

MIL’s care for the last 2 years was that she required rides to weekly dialysis and dr appointments. She was independently driving until the last 6 months. SIL/BIL moved in 10 years ago to be closer to their now 30yo daughter (who wants car). In that time SIL has had a variety of retail jobs and was working on degree. She has been working full-time for the last year. So while she hasn’t been full-time caregiver, we do think there is a burden of being the go to person for emergencies this whole time and that was why DH wanted to support her in keeping house.

Grandchild who wants the car is 30 and she and her husband already have 2 cars. I have no idea what is going on there. I agree it should be sold and if possible split proceeds with other grandchild it was left to (who is 16 and has just gotten license).

Still not sleeping.

Anonymous wrote:So I I understand this correctly, DD1 wants her siblings to pay for her daughter to get a third car for free, and also to give up their $$ in land so she she can keep the house scot-free, which she will then sell for profit for herself alone?

No. I would agree to none of this. Add up assets and debt, and DD1 can come up with the $$ to buy out the debt/siblings to keep the house and car if she wants them so bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:18

Nope, you can’t legally force 3 heirs to forego their inheritance so that the 4th heir/executor gets a debt free house. It doesn’t matter if the deceased emptied her retirement accounts giving it to one of her kids. It doesn’t matter that one of her kids lived there debt free.

1. Gather and add up all debts.
2. Get a good appraisal for the house, contents, land and car. All assets should be valued at fair market minus any debts specifically against that asset.
3. Identify by % for each heir. Ie DD1 70, DD2 and sons 9 each , grandchildren each 1.5 ..guessing on numbers but you get the points.
4. All non specified assets contents of house, any money in accounts should go toward debt.
5. If the value of the assets is more than the remaining debt. Divide the rest of the debt against the heir %. No heir should be responsible for more debt than their %. Each heir can decide to sell their asset or % to pay the portion of debt. Or personally pay off their portion of debt and keep their % of debt.

You do need a lawyer to do this. SIL eyes will gleam as she happily pockets your checks and then claims no debts were paid.

it's not that one of her kids lived there debt free, it's that she cared for their mother in her last years. She labored for her - the pay was the house.

Free room & board in exchange for helping in mom's last years (2) does not entitle anyone to get the house free and clear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:18

Nope, you can’t legally force 3 heirs to forego their inheritance so that the 4th heir/executor gets a debt free house. It doesn’t matter if the deceased emptied her retirement accounts giving it to one of her kids. It doesn’t matter that one of her kids lived there debt free.

1. Gather and add up all debts.
2. Get a good appraisal for the house, contents, land and car. All assets should be valued at fair market minus any debts specifically against that asset.
3. Identify by % for each heir. Ie DD1 70, DD2 and sons 9 each , grandchildren each 1.5 ..guessing on numbers but you get the points.
4. All non specified assets contents of house, any money in accounts should go toward debt.
5. If the value of the assets is more than the remaining debt. Divide the rest of the debt against the heir %. No heir should be responsible for more debt than their %. Each heir can decide to sell their asset or % to pay the portion of debt. Or personally pay off their portion of debt and keep their % of debt.

You do need a lawyer to do this. SIL eyes will gleam as she happily pockets your checks and then claims no debts were paid.

it's not that one of her kids lived there debt free, it's that she cared for their mother in her last years. She labored for her - the pay was the house.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the helpful comments. The details about the social security payment timing were really helpful. That could make a real difference with this estate.

DH has continued to receive texts from DD1 asking him to agree to paying off car. DD1’s daughter really wants to keep the car apparently. So that may be driving that. I’m not sure of how they plan to split the car with the other grandchild who is son of DD2. And now after DH has been supporting DD1 staying in the house, she announces she may want to sell. But not right now. I can’t keep up and I really don’t care.

To the PP who talked about grieving the family DH wishes he had- that is so accurate. This has brought up a bunch of stuff and reminded us of why we have kept our distance/ boundaries over the years. It’s like watching all of the troubling behavior be repeated all at once. Intellectually Inknow that grief/ sadness in men can often look like anger. But it’s hard to be around.

I guess the bright side is that this situation has encouraged my parents, my brother and me to talk again about the plan for how everything will be allocated when they pass. It is such a sad but important conversation.

My DH has also realized that he wants to try to leave something to each of our kids equally. So we will need to discuss updating our estate planning to include a life insurance policy. Up until now we’ve had term life just in case we died with kids at home.

And I’m not sleeping, so here I am on DCUM. Just ugh.