Anonymous
Post 03/10/2023 20:15     Subject: Re:Anybody raising a loser?
This forum should be a place where a parent can let it all out, and find support. Maybe it’s the only place the OP feels like he or she can be so open.

Often in this area, and not just here, parents of struggling kids are isolated. They’re reluctant to share anything with their friends, both to protect their child’s privacy and because they may feel guilt, shame, hopelessness - lots of things. It’s really hard to connect with friends when their kids are getting into Brown early decision and your kid is struggling to graduate from high school.

The pandemic interrupted normal development for many teens, especially in places like DC, where schools were closed for so long. It is tremendously unhealthy for kids, especially teenagers, to be shut in their rooms “learning” on screens. They’re supposed to be in school, out on the world, among their peers and other adults. Even privileged kids really suffered from that experience.

OP, I have no real advice for you, only empathy and a hope that you will take care of yourself and not just your family. A couple of people have shared hopeful stories and I do think everyone finds their own path sooner or later. They just have to stay safe, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and let their brains mature. Best of luck to your child and family.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2023 09:00     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal? I have my own ideas about how to succeed and that success matters and kid has no ambition, no goals, is passive and takes no initiative to create anything or solve any problem. No amount of encouragement or modeling or pressure or support has changed this one iota. Still thinks life will magically work out.



Sorry OP for your situation and I empathize although we don’t use such negative terms as loser.

We have two children and the older one is an overachiever, self driven and hard worker. She is in grad school pursuing her passions and has a very prestigious position lined up after she finishes her PhD. Her spouse is terrific - smart, kind and supportive of her.

We tried hard to give the younger one all the same advantages in life. He is struggling on so many levels in ways similar to what you described. I also worry about him being dependent on us forever and not finding a positive path in life.

Don’t know if this will work, but here’s how we are handling it:
1. Personal therapy - found a therapist he likes and can relate to so he can work through problems with her;
2. Family therapy to learn how to validate, support and set healthy boundaries (this is hard work!);
3. Adjust expectations. We will be thrilled with any college program and job that fosters healthy Independence. No focus on prestige at all - just good fit and affordability;
4. Encouraging volunteering once a week;
5. Will be teaching to drive very slowly on quiet suburban roads;
6. Will start visiting colleges in sophomore year and make sure there are many realistic safety options;
7. Talk about there being long term consequences for both poor and good decisions and planning; and
8. Pray/ meditate for guidance. I’m

Finally self care is important. I make time for exercise and genuine friends to help stay sane. I am trying to detach more and let them make their own mistakes. It is not easy to find the right balance.

We all make mistakes as parents and can say or do the wrong things. But your child knowing that you love them and are trying to do right by them will hopefully go a long way.

Best wishes OP!


College graduation seems like a huge expectation for someone who is struggling. I guess my kid struggles far more than most. My goals started out being just HS graduation. Now we’re working on no relapses into substance abuse, getting to work on time and not getting fired. In a few years maybe we’ll be able to think about some sort of continuing education.


Yes you are right - sorry did not realize the depth of the struggles. Yes your approach sounds very wise.

There are many teens in teen residential, partial hospitalization and outpatient facilities who are struggling with substance abuse/ eating disorders and anxiety/ depression. I am so sorry you are dealing with managing such struggles in the long term with an older youth. It is not easy .

We can only meet our children where they are now. Well done shepherding him through HS.

When your child is ready for college in a few years - there are many that cater to young people who struggle. You have probably heard about colleges that change lives . There are also alternative colleges without grading where all the subjects each semester are interconnected to focus on whatever the students are interested in. Plus of course two year colleges. They seem to have many positive outcomes.

Good luck and Take care of yourself too!
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2023 08:25     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal? I have my own ideas about how to succeed and that success matters and kid has no ambition, no goals, is passive and takes no initiative to create anything or solve any problem. No amount of encouragement or modeling or pressure or support has changed this one iota. Still thinks life will magically work out.



Sorry OP for your situation and I empathize although we don’t use such negative terms as loser.

We have two children and the older one is an overachiever, self driven and hard worker. She is in grad school pursuing her passions and has a very prestigious position lined up after she finishes her PhD. Her spouse is terrific - smart, kind and supportive of her.

We tried hard to give the younger one all the same advantages in life. He is struggling on so many levels in ways similar to what you described. I also worry about him being dependent on us forever and not finding a positive path in life.

Don’t know if this will work, but here’s how we are handling it:
1. Personal therapy - found a therapist he likes and can relate to so he can work through problems with her;
2. Family therapy to learn how to validate, support and set healthy boundaries (this is hard work!);
3. Adjust expectations. We will be thrilled with any college program and job that fosters healthy Independence. No focus on prestige at all - just good fit and affordability;
4. Encouraging volunteering once a week;
5. Will be teaching to drive very slowly on quiet suburban roads;
6. Will start visiting colleges in sophomore year and make sure there are many realistic safety options;
7. Talk about there being long term consequences for both poor and good decisions and planning; and
8. Pray/ meditate for guidance. I’m

Finally self care is important. I make time for exercise and genuine friends to help stay sane. I am trying to detach more and let them make their own mistakes. It is not easy to find the right balance.

We all make mistakes as parents and can say or do the wrong things. But your child knowing that you love them and are trying to do right by them will hopefully go a long way.

Best wishes OP!


College graduation seems like a huge expectation for someone who is struggling. I guess my kid struggles far more than most. My goals started out being just HS graduation. Now we’re working on no relapses into substance abuse, getting to work on time and not getting fired. In a few years maybe we’ll be able to think about some sort of continuing education.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2023 11:11     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal? I have my own ideas about how to succeed and that success matters and kid has no ambition, no goals, is passive and takes no initiative to create anything or solve any problem. No amount of encouragement or modeling or pressure or support has changed this one iota. Still thinks life will magically work out.



Sorry OP for your situation and I empathize although we don’t use such negative terms as loser.

We have two children and the older one is an overachiever, self driven and hard worker. She is in grad school pursuing her passions and has a very prestigious position lined up after she finishes her PhD. Her spouse is terrific - smart, kind and supportive of her.

We tried hard to give the younger one all the same advantages in life. He is struggling on so many levels in ways similar to what you described. I also worry about him being dependent on us forever and not finding a positive path in life.

Don’t know if this will work, but here’s how we are handling it:
1. Personal therapy - found a therapist he likes and can relate to so he can work through problems with her;
2. Family therapy to learn how to validate, support and set healthy boundaries (this is hard work!);
3. Adjust expectations. We will be thrilled with any college program and job that fosters healthy Independence. No focus on prestige at all - just good fit and affordability;
4. Encouraging volunteering once a week;
5. Will be teaching to drive very slowly on quiet suburban roads;
6. Will start visiting colleges in sophomore year and make sure there are many realistic safety options;
7. Talk about there being long term consequences for both poor and good decisions and planning; and
8. Pray/ meditate for guidance. I’m

Finally self care is important. I make time for exercise and genuine friends to help stay sane. I am trying to detach more and let them make their own mistakes. It is not easy to find the right balance.

We all make mistakes as parents and can say or do the wrong things. But your child knowing that you love them and are trying to do right by them will hopefully go a long way.

Best wishes OP!
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2023 02:07     Subject: Re:Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:Wait until these parents get old. It’s always the kid who never left home who ends up taking care of them when they can’t take care of themselves anymore. We’ll see who’s the loser when mom and dad need to be driven to their doctor’s appointments. The doctor and lawyer kids won’t be doing it.


Think you’re confused on what people mean when they say “loser.” The true loser kids become loser adults who freak the F out when mom and dad are old and sick because the money train stops and they realize nobody is there to support them anymore. No they don’t help and become loving little Florence Nightingales. They bicker with their siblings about money and responsibility and, like my husband’s loser cousin did recently, boycott the parent’s funeral when they finally die because that meant she was no longer around to pay his child support.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 18:23     Subject: Re:Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:Wait until these parents get old. It’s always the kid who never left home who ends up taking care of them when they can’t take care of themselves anymore. We’ll see who’s the loser when mom and dad need to be driven to their doctor’s appointments. The doctor and lawyer kids won’t be doing it.


Truth!
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 16:10     Subject: Re:Anybody raising a loser?
Wait until these parents get old. It’s always the kid who never left home who ends up taking care of them when they can’t take care of themselves anymore. We’ll see who’s the loser when mom and dad need to be driven to their doctor’s appointments. The doctor and lawyer kids won’t be doing it.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 15:24     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Too bad everyone jumped on your use of the word loser.

I'd like to hear actual advice.

- not OP


I’ll try. I’m raising a kid who isn’t interested in school and doesn’t care if he passes or fails. He’s not motivated or pushed by consequences and will dig in further. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and does minimal things around the house.

We constantly try not to engage him in power struggles that will make things worse. Sometimes we let him fail because we have no choice since we can’t make him do the work but it’s also a good lesson.

My husband and I get angry and we fight a lot since this causes a lot of stress even though we agree on most things. We are still saving for college and will help him with undergrad, even if he decides to go at 25.

We try to find anything he’s interested in and support him in that. Right now he occasionally brings up various vocational training or the military. We remind him he at least needs to get a GED and either of those would be good ideas.


Where's your line in the sand?

At what point do you plan on no longer enabling him to live off of you and your DH scotfree?


When he graduates high school he needs to enroll in college(community college is fine), vocational school, join the military or get a full time job. We have been clear that he can’t stay and do nothing. He hasn’t failed a class yet but squeaked by with some Ds. He will end up graduating since it’s less work than a GED. We have been very clear on our expectations.


Vocational Technology High School.

These used to be commonplace.

Why, oh WHY did educators in the US largely get rid of these high schools??

Was it the leftist crusade against “educational tracking??”


They still are plentiful. Most UMC parents are too embarrassed for their kids to go to one.


This should absolutely be an option/path for some. But, lbh, some of you are glorifying it. I have family in these fields and, now at retirement, they have very little saved and their health is sh-- from stooping over, lifting heavy items, getting injured on the job, etc. To say nothing of safety - going into crazy people's houses to fix items. I know I'd not want my daughter doing that and ending up like the handy man in DC a few weeks ago who was hired and murdered/dismembered in the basement.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 14:07     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal? I have my own ideas about how to succeed and that success matters and kid has no ambition, no goals, is passive and takes no initiative to create anything or solve any problem. No amount of encouragement or modeling or pressure or support has changed this one iota. Still thinks life will magically work out.


Op, do you model ambition, pragmatism, individual responsibility and so on, or is your family one of those all-is-doom-in-the-world woke activists?
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 14:04     Subject: Re:Anybody raising a loser?
"💯

There are tons of dmv kids like this.

Decent kids at heart that just want to chillax

And there is nothing wrong with that as long they aren’t causing public problems"

Huh?! No. This person doesn't sound happy with their life. They call themselves a loser, for goodness sake. We don't live in a society where chillaxing all the time enables you to live a decent life. You have to work a full time job here as an adult. And no employer wants you to chillax while you're on the clock. Nobody needs to power out like the poster you're responding to and burn out before age 30. But unless you've got a trust fund, you can't chillax all the time even if you don't cause public problems.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 10:11     Subject: Re:Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:Way harsh, OP.

My parents raised a total "winner". I was an athlete, top student, got into great colleges, went to grad school. Then completely burnt out by 27, rebelled, and never recovered. Now I'm a "loser". Luckily my parents think I'm great anyway, but I think they have some regret over raising me to be so high achieving.


💯

There are tons of dmv kids like this.

Decent kids at heart that just want to chillax

And there is nothing wrong with that as long they aren’t causing public problems
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 10:09     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your kid


I don’t. It’s worse for the kids who are losers and their parents don’t care and don’t realize and just let them continue being losers with no guidance or accountability. A parent who recognizes their kid is a loser can help them be better.


I agree. My nephew is a "loser". He smoked pot all through high school and barely graduated. He is a nice/chill kid but has ZERO ambitions. He's fine working at a fast food place down the street of his home.

His parents don't care. They look the other way and make excuses for him. They live in a very nice home in the suburbs and I don't see him going anywhere.


That’s a hard job - I would last one day working fast food

the fact that he’s a nice and chill person - that’s rare in this world

I’m sorry he has a shitty aunt
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 08:24     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your kid


I don’t. It’s worse for the kids who are losers and their parents don’t care and don’t realize and just let them continue being losers with no guidance or accountability. A parent who recognizes their kid is a loser can help them be better.


I agree. My nephew is a "loser". He smoked pot all through high school and barely graduated. He is a nice/chill kid but has ZERO ambitions. He's fine working at a fast food place down the street of his home.

His parents don't care. They look the other way and make excuses for him. They live in a very nice home in the suburbs and I don't see him going anywhere.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2023 05:37     Subject: Anybody raising a loser?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a teacher in high school, many parents in this area are raising losers.

Teens have zero respect for anyone, even their friends. They're very selfish - more than I have seen in the past 15 years. They also mostly do not care about anything that isn't associated with their phones/social media accounts.

You may think your child is smart, but the fact is this: the curriculum we teach now is one of the easiest we've ever had. Also, it's not hard to get good grades when we're required by Admins to allow retests, late work, and 75% credit for test corrections.

I'll have my 30 years of service next year and will be retiring at 51. I can't wait to be done with the teens and parents in this area.


what is your advice? In your experience what can be done to change these behaviors?


Honestly a huge step is parents like OP recognizing it. It’s bizarre to call parents of kids like this and the parent sees absolutely nothing wrong and in fact things YOU’RE the problem and not the kid. It’s even crazier when you teach long enough to get multiple siblings, realize they’re all losers in the same ways, and the parents don’t see it at all, probably because they are losers too. One kid, ok, sometimes you are a good parent and they just turn out different than your other kids do. I get that. When all your kids are losers?? But recognizing that requires taking ownership of the fact you parented them to be that way and I think that’s hard even for intelligent people who thought they were doing the right things; it’s impossible if the parents themselves are jerks or losers.