The cruel responders on this thread tell us everything we need to know about the debased/degraded American culture. This is a large party - the family friends are essentially family. Ten year olds aren’t the center of the universe. It costs very little to be inclusive and kind. If the other kids aren’t hanging out with this kid, the adults make it fun for him/her. Maybe they stay 30 minutes or three hours. We have younger kids- but invite the whole class. This kind of nasty narcissism would not fly in a Latin family.

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I talked my son into inviting a particular boy to his 11th bday party - other kid always invites DS to his parties, they play together at after care, last summer this boy was his only friend at day camp. But ds was resistant to inviting him because he wasn't sure how other kid would fit in. Sometimes he's annoying and doesn't play the same video games. I reminded DS that 1) reciprocating the invitation is the right thing to do, and 2) who cares if he annoys the other boys , that's their problem. I told DS that if anyone complains, tell them "Larlo is my friend, it's MY party, so be nice to him." DS invited him and told me he was glad he did because it made other kid really happy.

Well at the party Larlo blurted out something that really hurt ds's feelings. Like, actually made him cry at his own party. And I kicked myself for convincing DS to invite him.

Weird post. Did that kid have a history of hurting DS feelings? If not, it could have easily been one of the other boys

Anonymous wrote:Inclusive and kindness does not mean that everybody gets included in everything. Relationships change overtime and OP needs to accept that just because she is great friends with the adults doesn’t mean that the kids have great affinity for one another, for whatever reason. You can teach and model inclusivity without your kid having to sacrifice their comfort at their birthday party. Because that is exactly what OP would be asking of her kid. Not just that they invite the person, but then be sure to include and make them comfortable at the party. Otherwise, the kid is going to be lonely at the party which is just the same as not being invited.

This is the most sane post here. Spot on PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is NOT about the daughter or friend and all about the mom. Was she not popular in HS so now is clinging to anything to keep this friend happy....at the expense of her own kid. Sad.

Weird take.
Sure you don't have needs?

Actually seems pretty spot in. Anyone can see what OP wrote and know that it has nothing to do with their daughter.

Anonymous wrote:This is NOT about the daughter or friend and all about the mom. Was she not popular in HS so now is clinging to anything to keep this friend happy....at the expense of her own kid. Sad.

Weird take.
Sure you don't have needs?

Let this go. Trust me, this is not the hill to die on.

As a friend I would rather my friend tell me that their child had chosen the guest list and my child wasn't included than to get a pity invite only for my child to be excluded for the entire party. How awkward for that poor child.... If I found out that my friend forced their kid to invite my kid, I would be so hurt and upset.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

And bit by bit, this is how the SN kids get left behind.

OP, be true to your friend. If it's a huge venue, kid+mom might have a nice time. The birthday invites will slow to a trickle. IMO, this will alter your friendship if you pass for no really good reason, other than the exclusionary crowd telling you to do so.

It would have helped if the OP hadn’t buried this information about her friend’s child having SN. Frankly, it’s fine to make it at least somewhat about SN because this PP is right, they do get left behind - unfairly, painfully so. Model inclusivity for your kid and next time, OP, state the relevant issues in your FIRST post, not five pages in.

She added it alter because she didn’t get the responses she wanted. It’s likely not true or the post would have been about her kid not having empathy.

OP should never had asked her child and just invited the kid. Instead, OP gave her child a choice, her child set the list, OP suggested to her kid that they include the friends kid, kid said no. OP came here to find people who said it was ok to invite the kid.

OP started with a basic scenario. Then OP started adding on explinations. The friends kid wasn’t cool, then was a bit over weight, then was like a cousin, then was SN. OP was fishing for reasons why it should be ok to invite the kid after letting her kid set the guest list.

OP can just invite the kid, that is obvious, but doesn’t mean she handled this at all well or in a way that is going to make her child except that a kid is going to be at the birthday party that their kid didn’t invite. And it does set it up that the friends kid is going to be excluded during the party because the OPs kid doesn’t want the kid there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

And bit by bit, this is how the SN kids get left behind.

OP, be true to your friend. If it's a huge venue, kid+mom might have a nice time. The birthday invites will slow to a trickle. IMO, this will alter your friendship if you pass for no really good reason, other than the exclusionary crowd telling you to do so.

It would have helped if the OP hadn’t buried this information about her friend’s child having SN. Frankly, it’s fine to make it at least somewhat about SN because this PP is right, they do get left behind - unfairly, painfully so. Model inclusivity for your kid and next time, OP, state the relevant issues in your FIRST post, not five pages in.

She added it alter because she didn’t get the responses she wanted. It’s likely not true or the post would have been about her kid not having empathy.

This is NOT about the daughter or friend and all about the mom. Was she not popular in HS so now is clinging to anything to keep this friend happy....at the expense of her own kid. Sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

And bit by bit, this is how the SN kids get left behind.

OP, be true to your friend. If it's a huge venue, kid+mom might have a nice time. The birthday invites will slow to a trickle. IMO, this will alter your friendship if you pass for no really good reason, other than the exclusionary crowd telling you to do so.

No, not at all. These aren’t friends where they drifted apart because of SN when they got older. These girls were never friends. Mom wants the kid to invite a 10 yo she’s not friends with to her party, to hang out with her group. This has nothing to do with SN.

What OP needs to evaluate is why she is so intent on inviting this kid. By her own admission the kids are not close. So what’s the point? This doesn’t seem to be about the birthday kid, but the OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

And bit by bit, this is how the SN kids get left behind.

OP, be true to your friend. If it's a huge venue, kid+mom might have a nice time. The birthday invites will slow to a trickle. IMO, this will alter your friendship if you pass for no really good reason, other than the exclusionary crowd telling you to do so.

+1 this is a chance to teach kindness and it isn’t all about us, even on our birthday.

Also it doesn’t mean you can’t have an open convo about it. You should. I know you and larla aren’t close. I think you feel like she’s different than you, you might even think she’s “not cool” - let’s talk about that. I support you making and choosing your own friends AND sometimes we need to be open and inviting to others who are a different then us even if it’s not our first instinct. Ask questions, talk it through. It’s an opportunity to have deeper conversations about inclusivity and why it’s important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

And bit by bit, this is how the SN kids get left behind.

OP, be true to your friend. If it's a huge venue, kid+mom might have a nice time. The birthday invites will slow to a trickle. IMO, this will alter your friendship if you pass for no really good reason, other than the exclusionary crowd telling you to do so.

+1 this is a chance to teach kindness and it isn’t all about us, even on our birthday.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

And bit by bit, this is how the SN kids get left behind.

OP, be true to your friend. If it's a huge venue, kid+mom might have a nice time. The birthday invites will slow to a trickle. IMO, this will alter your friendship if you pass for no really good reason, other than the exclusionary crowd telling you to do so.

It would have helped if the OP hadn’t buried this information about her friend’s child having SN. Frankly, it’s fine to make it at least somewhat about SN because this PP is right, they do get left behind - unfairly, painfully so. Model inclusivity for your kid and next time, OP, state the relevant issues in your FIRST post, not five pages in.