Anonymous wrote:As a child of divorce (age 6) it absolutely destroyed me and I’ll never be the same. I will always feel broken. Let’s not fool ourselves that it is ever ok for kids. You will destroy them. You just have to know that and try to help them feel safe. By the it’ll never be an ok or good time to do it. Ever.

Speak for yourself. I asked my parents to get divorced at 8. I begged my mom not to come home and stay at her girlfriend's instead.These two had no business being together. They finally split when I was 15. Wish they had it done sooner and the 7 years they lived together was painful for me.
It affected me the way that I got the heck out of my marriage when the abuse got physical. I never married the 2nd partner.
I think I would be a bad picker of men regardless of what happened in my life.

Anonymous wrote:As a child of divorce (age 6) it absolutely destroyed me and I’ll never be the same. I will always feel broken. Let’s not fool ourselves that it is ever ok for kids. You will destroy them. You just have to know that and try to help them feel safe. By the it’ll never be an ok or good time to do it. Ever.

My kids are thriving post split and are most definitely not destroyed. They started doing better in school and are more emotionally regulated now. It’s likely because they’re not being raised in a household with two parents who can’t stand each other and with a father who punches holes in walls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a child of divorce (age 6) it absolutely destroyed me and I’ll never be the same. I will always feel broken. Let’s not fool ourselves that it is ever ok for kids. You will destroy them. You just have to know that and try to help them feel safe. By the it’ll never be an ok or good time to do it. Ever.

This was your particular experience. I'm a child of divorce too, about the same age as you when it happened, and don't feel like it "broke" me at all. On the contrary, I feel it gave me and my siblings resilience- we are all doing well. People are different PP and have very different experiences. My parents were very kind to each other and have remained lifelong friends.

+1 another person like the PP

Anonymous wrote:As a child of divorce (age 6) it absolutely destroyed me and I’ll never be the same. I will always feel broken. Let’s not fool ourselves that it is ever ok for kids. You will destroy them. You just have to know that and try to help them feel safe. By the it’ll never be an ok or good time to do it. Ever.

This was your particular experience. I'm a child of divorce too, about the same age as you when it happened, and don't feel like it "broke" me at all. On the contrary, I feel it gave me and my siblings resilience- we are all doing well. People are different PP and have very different experiences. My parents were very kind to each other and have remained lifelong friends.

As a child of divorce (age 6) it absolutely destroyed me and I’ll never be the same. I will always feel broken. Let’s not fool ourselves that it is ever ok for kids. You will destroy them. You just have to know that and try to help them feel safe. By the it’ll never be an ok or good time to do it. Ever.

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Anonymous wrote:The younger the better. Any time between about 7 and 25 is bad. Middle school or close to it (ages 10 to 15) is a total disaster and you are risking severe psychological consequences

research please?

it is MUCH more common to hear adults say they wished their parents had not stayed togethe, than that they wish they had not divorced.

But they don’t have the opposite situation to compare it to. They may think they wish their parents divorced, but how do they really know what it’s like?

Yet every movie and show about divorce us the kids wishing or hoping the parents would get back together.

That's because it makes for good drama. Nobody wants to see kids saying "Thank God they split up." I am grateful that my mom left my dad.

I spent years wishing and fantasizing my parents would get back together, in spite of the fact that they had what I now recognize as a shitty marriage

The problem is that what your kids are getting out of your marriage is totally different than what you are or aren’t getting out of it and this is hard to appreciate and understand

And ancient saying goes: the best time to plant a tree is 30 years ago, the second best time is today

Anonymous wrote:I would say never.

But, if there is constant fighting, substance abuse, abuse or neglect of either the spouse or kids, then I would say don't worry about how old the kids are just get out.

If there are none of those issues but one or both spouses have been chronically unhappy for awhile and there doesn't seem to be resolution in sight and/or there is no sex happening then I'd say suck it up, make it work as best you can and hang in there until the kids are out of high school. In other words, put your own happiness on hold for awhile so your kids lives aren't imploded.

Just my humble opinion.

I think this is terrible advice but I say that as a divorced mother. I married my ex at 23, divorced at 27 when DD was 6 months old. We married for logical reasons (we got along, worked well together, similar values, but no real romantic or sexual chemistry on my end), and once I was pregnant, he realized that ours was not the model marriage he wanted our child to be raised among. So we divorced and co-parent now, we live two blocks away from each other, have 50/50 custody with lots of flexibility, and are both very active in each other's and our child's life. DD never knew another situation where we were married. I would think it's more traumatizing for a kid to think their parents are happy or together, and then to find out later it was an illusion.

A friend told me when her parents got divorced when she was 8, she couldn't be any happier. She said had it been the case where the parents were seemingly happy but secretly having troubles that kids didn't know, then the kids might wish the parents to stay together. But in her case her parents were fighting nonstop and clearly miserable together, and as a kid she really just wanted it to be over.

She was 50 yo when she told me the above.

I got divorced when dc was 7, started the process when they were 6. I had thought about it for years before, but I wanted them to not be as dependent as a baby/toddler/preschooler would, since we do 50/50.

It seems to have gone well. Dc was old enough to understand the schedule and having 2 homes. In our case, dc stayed in the same school/care setting, and ex and I are pretty amicable at this point. Dc is happy, doing well in school, and likes both their homes.

Anonymous wrote:I see a number of post where people say they are waiting a couple years for kids to get older before divorcing, but my understanding was the younger they are the less emotional disorders they end up having b/c of the divorce. Does any have good research papers etc that support older is better for divorce? Excluding your kids being 20+ adults when you divorce.

Never. I have a friend whose parents divorced when he was 45 and he was devastated.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The younger the better. Any time between about 7 and 25 is bad. Middle school or close to it (ages 10 to 15) is a total disaster and you are risking severe psychological consequences

research please?

it is MUCH more common to hear adults say they wished their parents had not stayed togethe, than that they wish they had not divorced.

But they don’t have the opposite situation to compare it to. They may think they wish their parents divorced, but how do they really know what it’s like?

Yet every movie and show about divorce us the kids wishing or hoping the parents would get back together.

That's because it makes for good drama. Nobody wants to see kids saying "Thank God they split up." I am grateful that my mom left my dad.

Yes I've heard several people with dysfunctional families say they wish their parents had split

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The younger the better. Any time between about 7 and 25 is bad. Middle school or close to it (ages 10 to 15) is a total disaster and you are risking severe psychological consequences

research please?

it is MUCH more common to hear adults say they wished their parents had not stayed togethe, than that they wish they had not divorced.

But they don’t have the opposite situation to compare it to. They may think they wish their parents divorced, but how do they really know what it’s like?

Yet every movie and show about divorce us the kids wishing or hoping the parents would get back together.

That's because it makes for good drama. Nobody wants to see kids saying "Thank God they split up." I am grateful that my mom left my dad.

My dad left when I was 5. I don't really remember him ever living with us. He was an alcoholic so my mom did the right thing leaving him.

I did a lot of research on this before deciding to get a divorce. Everything I read (and which has played out in real life for me) showed me the best age is when they’re super young (younger than 6) so that it is only a short term memory. The younger the kids are, the more likely they are to experience their new life as the life they’ve always known. I’m so glad I didn’t stay “for the kids”. They are so much better off with a happy mom.