Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

NP. Lots of defensiveness here. It makes perfect sense that a kid would feel abandoned by a parent who didn't provide or arrange for proper care for them, and that the relationship would suffer.

Good moms can read what the PP wrote without savaging her. The fact that you two can't says something.

Weird flex, but whatever. For all you "building community" people, your mom friends will drop you like hot potatoes if you divorce, and I wouldn't count on more than a few meals in case of cancer or other serious illness. You would get some rah-rah and color coded ribbons in the beginning, sure, but it will stop in a month or two. If anyone comes through, it will be your true non-PTA friends or your religious community, if you have one. The birthday party/playdate crowd are your fair weather friends, just ask any mom with college age kids.

Perhaps you had that experience because that's how you thought of / treated them. I have not had that experience at all. Of course some of the friends are more just social friends and others are true / long term friends, but i've made many many true long term friends through aspects of motherhood. Any why not? Most women are mothers at some point and motherhood can often be a very challenging bonding experience. Why would work friends or running friends or volunteer friends any more predisposed to be my "real" friends than the women i've connected with at the playground or school?

Honestly it sounds like you’re mocking parents who are involved in the communal aspects of their kids lives because you don’t feel like you belong. I’ve had a complex like yours, but I do try to participate in things to the extent that it benefits my child. It good for them to be asked to participate in activities with friends, and to have playdates, especially before they’re old enough to pursue those things independently.

I can be intimidated by some of the parents who are more established non first time moms, or who are more at ease socially, wealthier, more put together, more successful, have more household help, are stay at home moms, whatever - but generally I’ve found that any perceived unfriendliness is more of a misconception on my part. And if people don’t have an interest in being friends with me, that’s fine too. I’ve made some parent friends and many nice acquaintances. Making friends through your kids friends and activities shouldn’t be your main goal, but I’d say that acting uninterested in your young child’s friends parents/families is also kind of snobby, even if that’s not your intention.

Anonymous wrote:My first thought was "How nice. She must have easy, neurotypical children." I have no choice but to be very involved with my kids at the expense of travel, friendships, date nights, etc.

You are making sweeping generalizations about mothers and I think it's inaccurate, unfair, and offensive. There are many ways to be a mother.

+1

How old are your kids? I wasn't super interested in all those things until elementary school. But once your kid is old enough to be very bored of YOU and your house and their sibling, you will want to be invested in a few friendships outside your house.

Having mom friends in my neighborhood literally saved my sanity during the pandemic too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is really hard to tell if the original poster is totally judgmental or just not someone who identifies as “mom first.”

I am not a “mom first” person. If you ask me about myself, the fact I have kids would not be in the top three things I mentioned. I could not tell you the names of teachers at her school other than the teacher’s my kids have had. We have a child with profound special needs so we never made “family” friends. But unlike the poster that said she never bonded with her mom, I’m pretty sure my non-special needs 10 year old feels deeply bonded to me. I am the person she comes to for tons of advice on many subjects. She tells me tons of things about her daily life and I’m very interested. My kid would also say “oh, my mom doesn’t care about spirit week or things like that that other moms care about.” But, she doesn’t seem in any way negatively impacted that I didn’t prioritize buying an orange shirt she would never wear again for anti bullying day (as an example). If my kid says something is really important to her, my husband and I try to prioritize it.

I have plenty of friends that are moms, but we don’t really bond over kid stuff. We connect more over our professional lives. That doesn’t mean we are all depressed or bad moms.

op here. This is how I feel.

Sure but why are you assuming everyone you meet casually at a kids event is mom first? I am like this but if I am a kids party with strangers, I talk about the kids. I am not going to start talking about my latest girls weekend or books or whatever by the pizza table with strangers. That’s weird. Most people have many facets, but they don’t trot them out at all occasions.

+1. It’s your snap judgment of the other women you are encountering that is the problem here, OP.

I"m the same as you, OP, maybe we could be non-mom-friends lol

All of the mommy friends stuff digs at your middle school girl insecurities.

It’s hard to be kind and thoughtful and empathetic to the women who represent your middle school frenemy/bully/or just the girls that didn’t like you.

Of course we all prefer just to spend time with our friends but life is more complicated than that and that pang you get in your stomach or chest when you think of doing those “motherhood” things are your own unresolved issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

NP. Lots of defensiveness here. It makes perfect sense that a kid would feel abandoned by a parent who didn't provide or arrange for proper care for them, and that the relationship would suffer.

Good moms can read what the PP wrote without savaging her. The fact that you two can't says something.

Weird flex, but whatever. For all you "building community" people, your mom friends will drop you like hot potatoes if you divorce, and I wouldn't count on more than a few meals in case of cancer or other serious illness. You would get some rah-rah and color coded ribbons in the beginning, sure, but it will stop in a month or two. If anyone comes through, it will be your true non-PTA friends or your religious community, if you have one. The birthday party/playdate crowd are your fair weather friends, just ask any mom with college age kids.

This is not always true. I am just coming out the other side of a months-long medical crisis, and the support from our community has been huge. Parents I don’t even know that well but who I socialized with at parties and had kids over for play dates organized meal trains, set up carpools for our kids, etc., without us even needing to ask. The help just showed up at our doorstep, which was amazing and incredibly touching.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

NP. Lots of defensiveness here. It makes perfect sense that a kid would feel abandoned by a parent who didn't provide or arrange for proper care for them, and that the relationship would suffer.

Good moms can read what the PP wrote without savaging her. The fact that you two can't says something.

Weird flex, but whatever. For all you "building community" people, your mom friends will drop you like hot potatoes if you divorce, and I wouldn't count on more than a few meals in case of cancer or other serious illness. You would get some rah-rah and color coded ribbons in the beginning, sure, but it will stop in a month or two. If anyone comes through, it will be your true non-PTA friends or your religious community, if you have one. The birthday party/playdate crowd are your fair weather friends, just ask any mom with college age kids.

My sis is like this — won’t do playdates and her kids don’t have friends. She doesn’t have many either. I think this is probably why there are so many “I don’t have friends” posts on this site.

I won’t respond to the rest of the OP, which again is another post blanket judging women.

Anonymous wrote:OP and her coven are definitely the Too Cool For School / Not Like Other Girls type.

Is it now fashionable to say you are “terrified” of the PTA? I am not in a leadership position because I work and don’t have time, but I do volunteer frequently so that I can feel part of the community (private school) and because my kids like seeing me around school. And because I recognize that they put on valuable events for the students and faculty.

I do playdates to encourage social skills and hang out at bday parties when appropriate to get to know other parents. Again, to build community.

My kids are older, but I am realizing in retrospect that I was actually triggered by the PTA and PTA meetings and a lot of stuff that kind of reminded me of my own childhood. My parents were very eccentric and strange, and I frequently felt very out of place at school events. I never had the right clothes And I was raised by people who didn’t allow us to listen to secular music or read the books or watch the TV shows that other kids were watching on, so I was often quite isolated. In retrospect, I wish that I had dealt with my own childhood issues sooner, because they impacted my parenting more than I was willing to admit , I think I avoided a lot of things that triggered me and made excuses so yes, depending on your background, I could definitely see being terrified by the PTA and those incredibly confident extroverted women who enjoy situations like the PTA. I’m still intimidated by women who are cool and trendy. And to the woman who says that avoiding these things is doing your children, a great disservice and what if you get cancer and they have no community, I would ask for a little bit of empathy. Life can be really hard for a lot of us and we are all just doing the best we can it’s good that you have standards, but a lot of us are never going to meet your standards. We just do the best we can.

Anonymous wrote:Have you been screened for depression? Or anxiety? It sounds like there’s something else going on.

Are you serious? She enjoys many things. She’s made that clear. Just because she doesn’t enjoy motherhood doesn’t mean she’s depressed. Lots of people feel the way she does.

OP and her coven are definitely the Too Cool For School / Not Like Other Girls type.

Is it now fashionable to say you are “terrified” of the PTA? I am not in a leadership position because I work and don’t have time, but I do volunteer frequently so that I can feel part of the community (private school) and because my kids like seeing me around school. And because I recognize that they put on valuable events for the students and faculty.

I do playdates to encourage social skills and hang out at bday parties when appropriate to get to know other parents. Again, to build community.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You misspoke. You’re just not interested in other mothers.

+1. I get it. I’m like this, too. I have zero interest in taking with other parents just because they are some how affiliated with my kid. I volunteer once a year for something in the classroom. I have no idea who the other parents or teachers are at the school. I had to ask where my kids class was the last time I was there.

And I don’t do “play dates.” My kids go to before school care and have lots of neighborhood friends. I hate planning events with other parents. Especially parents that do not work. They want drop off and pick up at times that never work for me. Same for birthday parties. If it’s drop off my kid can go. I don’t want to spend two hours making small talk with other parents.

Is this… something you are proud of? Sounds sad.

I don’t do PTA but I realize that PTA folks are 3 dimensional humans like anyone else. I’m glad they take the time to do what they do. I’m also friends/friendly with plenty of my kids’ friends’ parents. They’re fellow adults at roughly the same lifestage and living relatively nearby. We often have plenty in common other than kids, but the kids are the ice breaker obviously.