Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:22     Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with OP and her husband if they have no friends after staying here for 15 years. [/quote

I disagree. If very career focused and both working with kids, it is not that uncommon.


But if you read all of her post, they have been trying to make friends and just can’t keep any. it’s not that they are too busy. The husband thinks the dad’s conversations on the soccer field are beneath him.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:21     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?


They do not have local family. Very common in this area. Not all families are close. I do not know why people are acting like this is unusual for two working parents not from this area. It is not that unusual. This area is a grind.


I sort of agree with you, but the fact that his coworkers exclude him from lunches and other functions tells me there’s something socially awkward about him. I know that may sound mean, but most people are able to make some sort of work friendship after being there for many years. Even if it is just to go with a group to lunch.


Maybe he does not want to. I don't socialize with people at work. I am a woman. It is less likely for a man to do that. My ex husband would NEVER socialize with coworkers. He is not interested. I understand that completely.


Huh??This entire thread is about the woman and her husband, who want to socialize! He wouldn’t give a damn if he was excluded if he didn’t care.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:14     Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with OP and her husband if they have no friends after staying here for 15 years. [/quote

I disagree. If very career focused and both working with kids, it is not that uncommon.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:14     Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP: You wrote that you were not from here and that neither you nor your husband drink alcohol. This combination may make others uncomfortable around you & your husband. Due to cultural differences & non-drinking status, others may feel that you are judging them.

Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.)


Really? Sorry to say then this is one utterly lame-ass Indian who does not have a vast Indian social circle.

There is no place in DMV where you will not have Indians around you - all the time. And each Indian will have 1001 interest groups they are part of - Yoga, Gym, Religious groups, Poetry, Calligraphy, Theatre, Karaoke, Cricket, Tennis, Badminton, Carom, Trekking, Photography, Dance, Volunteer Groups, Spelling Bee, Geography Bee, Science Olympiads, Carnatic Music, Classical Music, Various Classical Dances, Bollywood Dance, Swimming, Golf, Poker, Chess, Lunch Clubs, Kitty/Committees, Travel Groups, Podcasts, Blogging, Writing, Tutoring, Social media, Clothes and Fashion, Charity, Cinema, Line Dancing, Cards, Cooking, Gardening, Stock market... Our homes are designed to entertain and host big and small events.

And Indians will reciprocate rather quickly if you invite them for a meal.


Sorry as I did not intend to offend anyone.

FWIW Your response does not help as I think that you thought it might.


Noted.
FWIW my response was not there to be helpful to non-Indians. It is just a clue to a clueless Indian who does not know how build a social circle. You know, even we have village idiots.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:13     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Friends are overrated. If you find one decent, loyal friend in life hold on to them. They are a rare find.


This.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:13     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?


They do not have local family. Very common in this area. Not all families are close. I do not know why people are acting like this is unusual for two working parents not from this area. It is not that unusual. This area is a grind.


I sort of agree with you, but the fact that his coworkers exclude him from lunches and other functions tells me there’s something socially awkward about him. I know that may sound mean, but most people are able to make some sort of work friendship after being there for many years. Even if it is just to go with a group to lunch.


Maybe he does not want to. I don't socialize with people at work. I am a woman. It is less likely for a man to do that. My ex husband would NEVER socialize with coworkers. He is not interested. I understand that completely.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:11     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Not sure what to tell you, OP. I hesitate to say this without knowing you, but it does sound like it might be something you and DH are or aren’t doing.

I’ve been here 10 years, DH over 15. Right now in the area, I have only a couple of close friends, a few other friends I would consider medium-close, and a lot of acquaintances with whom I socialize when other people arrange it, but I’m not reaching out to them. The thing is that since moving here 10 years ago, I’ve gone through a couple of different friend groups. It’s a transient area. I first made friends through roommates, coworkers, friends from college who had moved here - almost all of them have left the area at this point. I’m still in touch with a handful but I accept that sometimes people are in your life for a while and then you grow apart. I made some new friends when I went to graduate school. Now we have kids and most of our friends don’t yet, so it’s been tough to continue socializing with people who are still living that pre-kids lifestyle. DH has friends that he made in college who still live in the area and some friends that he made through work. I think we could be friends with some people in our neighborhood if we put forth a reasonable amount of effort (inviting people to things, etc), but between the pandemic and working full time and dealing with some other family stuff, we’ve just been putting our energy elsewhere. I say all this as someone who is kind of introverted and used to suffer from a lot of social anxiety - making friends doesn’t come super easily to me, but I’ve been able to manage it in this area. But they’ve all been pretty organic friendships, I don’t go out and do activities with the hope of meeting my new best friend.


This poster and I are very similar. I've had friends but it's for a phase of my life, or at a job, and then we all move on and don't connect as often, whatever we had in common changes. I would guess OP is doing all the right things but it's hard to make true friends. You do need a mutual connection and availability, at least people with elementary kids or busy jobs aren't very free. Also I think it's hard to make friends in a newcomer group, I did that in another major city, folks in that group make their friends then kind of figure out their way and make their "real" friends.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:10     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Also the way you talk about men as if the only things other husbands like are beer, men, cars, sports is so one -dimensional/stereotypical. Does DH seriously think that is what men only like? People are a lot more interesting than that. Honestly, your DH sounds like he is full of himself.


+1 And OP has mentioned several times about their high emotional intelligence. I don't think they have a ton of self awareness.


I suspect that OP & spouse both have low EQ.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:09     Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP: You wrote that you were not from here and that neither you nor your husband drink alcohol. This combination may make others uncomfortable around you & your husband. Due to cultural differences & non-drinking status, others may feel that you are judging them.

Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.)


Really? Sorry to say then this is one utterly lame-ass Indian who does not have a vast Indian social circle.

There is no place in DMV where you will not have Indians around you - all the time. And each Indian will have 1001 interest groups they are part of - Yoga, Gym, Religious groups, Poetry, Calligraphy, Theatre, Karaoke, Cricket, Tennis, Badminton, Carom, Trekking, Photography, Dance, Volunteer Groups, Spelling Bee, Geography Bee, Science Olympiads, Carnatic Music, Classical Music, Various Classical Dances, Bollywood Dance, Swimming, Golf, Poker, Chess, Lunch Clubs, Kitty/Committees, Travel Groups, Podcasts, Blogging, Writing, Tutoring, Social media, Clothes and Fashion, Charity, Cinema, Line Dancing, Cards, Cooking, Gardening, Stock market... Our homes are designed to entertain and host big and small events.

And Indians will reciprocate rather quickly if you invite them for a meal.


Sorry as I did not intend to offend anyone.

FWIW Your response does not help as I think that you thought it might.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 14:00     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
My friends are the people I met in the books I read
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 13:58     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Not sure what to tell you, OP. I hesitate to say this without knowing you, but it does sound like it might be something you and DH are or aren’t doing.

I’ve been here 10 years, DH over 15. Right now in the area, I have only a couple of close friends, a few other friends I would consider medium-close, and a lot of acquaintances with whom I socialize when other people arrange it, but I’m not reaching out to them. The thing is that since moving here 10 years ago, I’ve gone through a couple of different friend groups. It’s a transient area. I first made friends through roommates, coworkers, friends from college who had moved here - almost all of them have left the area at this point. I’m still in touch with a handful but I accept that sometimes people are in your life for a while and then you grow apart. I made some new friends when I went to graduate school. Now we have kids and most of our friends don’t yet, so it’s been tough to continue socializing with people who are still living that pre-kids lifestyle. DH has friends that he made in college who still live in the area and some friends that he made through work. I think we could be friends with some people in our neighborhood if we put forth a reasonable amount of effort (inviting people to things, etc), but between the pandemic and working full time and dealing with some other family stuff, we’ve just been putting our energy elsewhere. I say all this as someone who is kind of introverted and used to suffer from a lot of social anxiety - making friends doesn’t come super easily to me, but I’ve been able to manage it in this area. But they’ve all been pretty organic friendships, I don’t go out and do activities with the hope of meeting my new best friend.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 13:29     Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Something is wrong with OP and her husband if they have no friends after staying here for 15 years.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 13:19     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What happened to your friends from college and grad school?


We’re moving soon and I blasted all my friends and acquaintances for new people and family intros in the city where we are relocating too. It’s hopefully a good start.

We also plan to recreate all our communities again there a church group, sports teams for kids, arts classes, car pool friends. It takes work but can be done. I had to do it before Covid and then another round after two years of shutdown… maybe DC area is more transient so people are amenable to it. Hope our. We place is too…


This is a great way to approach moving. It takes a lot of effort to meet people these days. We all don't hang out on porches or meet up in laundry rooms or resident cocktail hours anymore. This can all be harder if your spouse isn't anywhere near as social as you are. If they're just fine watching a movie at home with the kids rather than attending soccer games, church, block parties, parks, it will be an uphill battle. I will say, though, I don't think kids activities necessarily always work out well these days with cellphones. Everyone gets buried in their phone, brought along a grandparent they're obliged to converse with for the entire swim meet, or they already have a group they associate with and don't have any interest in engaging. You can't make people talk to you.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 13:19     Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:I think all of this is more common than you realize.


There is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance. I think OP doesn't know the difference.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 13:17     Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Friends are overrated. If you find one decent, loyal friend in life hold on to them. They are a rare find.