Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 12:14     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.


Just how much lack of consideration, fairness, and basic adult functioning should a woman accept in the name of "support"? If she acted happy about it, that would be deceitful. She isn't, and he deserves to hear the truth even if it causes him a man-baby tantrum.




You can't maintain a relationship if you withhold all support until all problems are solved.

Also let's be real here. This is about cleaning. People don't divorce over cleaning. They do divorce over falling out of love and that is the path they are on if OP and her husband can't have a conversation about work opportunities without her calling him lazy, etc.

As far as the temporary position, this is really common at government agencies and often doesn't come with increased compensation. And it can be very career limiting if you don't do them or apply when approached about them.

Lots and lots and lots of men don't pull their weight at home. Despite all the insistence on this board that everyone has a 50/50 split, there's been a lot of ink spilled on how men do much less housework. And yeah, that impacts marriages, with couples like OPs generally having less sex than couples with a fairer distribution of work. So I'm not saying it's not a problem, but I am saying it's a common dynamic and one that tends to change over time, with men assuming more and more work as they get older. So this is something that she can literally wait out.


It's not about cleaning! It's about respect. It's about being partners in life, following through on agreements and working together in good faith. OP's DH is lazy and unreliable, not just about cleaning but in everything. And he's bad with money too. Can she wait that out, according to you? Will he stop sleeping in as he grows older?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 12:05     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.


Just how much lack of consideration, fairness, and basic adult functioning should a woman accept in the name of "support"? If she acted happy about it, that would be deceitful. She isn't, and he deserves to hear the truth even if it causes him a man-baby tantrum.




You can't maintain a relationship if you withhold all support until all problems are solved.

Also let's be real here. This is about cleaning. People don't divorce over cleaning. They do divorce over falling out of love and that is the path they are on if OP and her husband can't have a conversation about work opportunities without her calling him lazy, etc.

As far as the temporary position, this is really common at government agencies and often doesn't come with increased compensation. And it can be very career limiting if you don't do them or apply when approached about them.

Lots and lots and lots of men don't pull their weight at home. Despite all the insistence on this board that everyone has a 50/50 split, there's been a lot of ink spilled on how men do much less housework. And yeah, that impacts marriages, with couples like OPs generally having less sex than couples with a fairer distribution of work. So I'm not saying it's not a problem, but I am saying it's a common dynamic and one that tends to change over time, with men assuming more and more work as they get older. So this is something that she can literally wait out.


Please stop posting this “wait it out” nonsense. It’s really not helpful. You neglect to account for the cost today that will leave OP resentful by the time he magically figures out how to do more of the housework when he’s in his fifties.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 12:00     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.


Just how much lack of consideration, fairness, and basic adult functioning should a woman accept in the name of "support"? If she acted happy about it, that would be deceitful. She isn't, and he deserves to hear the truth even if it causes him a man-baby tantrum.




You can't maintain a relationship if you withhold all support until all problems are solved.

Also let's be real here. This is about cleaning. People don't divorce over cleaning. They do divorce over falling out of love and that is the path they are on if OP and her husband can't have a conversation about work opportunities without her calling him lazy, etc.

As far as the temporary position, this is really common at government agencies and often doesn't come with increased compensation. And it can be very career limiting if you don't do them or apply when approached about them.

Lots and lots and lots of men don't pull their weight at home. Despite all the insistence on this board that everyone has a 50/50 split, there's been a lot of ink spilled on how men do much less housework. And yeah, that impacts marriages, with couples like OPs generally having less sex than couples with a fairer distribution of work. So I'm not saying it's not a problem, but I am saying it's a common dynamic and one that tends to change over time, with men assuming more and more work as they get older. So this is something that she can literally wait out.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:57     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
This is obviously not an even remotely fair situation for you. However it seems like since he’s useless now with less hours, what difference does it make? If you really think he can make more money potentially at this job, it seems worth it to maybe let him try for it and then you guys can outsourced stuff more. I think you should let them interview for it but say that even though there’s no raise, You’re going to have to find some way to cut back on the budget to help pay for more outsourcing
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:53     Subject: Re:If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
With men like this you have to not do their work. Be stubborn. Let those dirty lunch containers sit for a week. He’ll get the picture you’re doing it. If you cave then they are yours to clean until he dies.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:43     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Forget the housework what kind of idiot falls for that nonsense these days? Do lots more work for no pay and ohhh you can get in front of the CEO! Come on, they just want someone to do grunt work they don’t want to do and they don’t want to pay someone. And yes even at high levels grunt work exists it’s just a different flavor.


OP did describe hom as being bad with money.

But seriously OP, I can't emphasize this enough, this is not how jobs work. Taking more responsibility and work and not getting paid for it is a HUGE red flag. The idea that "the CEO will see me" is worth absolutely nothing.

Either they have absolutely no faith in your husband or this place is massively dysfunctional, probably both.



I agree. A third possibility is they want to set him up to fail and get rid of him but it’s not so easy to get rid of them for whatever reason. I’ve seen them push people into “special projects” for “more visibility” while asking them to train a replacement for their old job and then fire them for not meeting the demands of the new role while buying time to replace the old role.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:35     Subject: Re:If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
It sounds like he's addicted to his phone.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:35     Subject: Re:If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:My husband, despite his best efforts, has never been a great help around the house. And it was especially difficult for me when the kids were younger. Because I could not do it. All, we ended up outsourcing things like house cleaning, and even the laundry. Of course, it did not take away the date today doing the dishes. But we also did a lot more Uber eats and picking up food from restaurants. I had to seriously look at pros and cons, and I love my husband, and he is a very nice man and a good father, and that outweighed his lack of housekeeping abilities. My house was not as clean or neat as I would've liked it but I was able to cope. Now my kids are out of the house and it's just the two of us and we still have house cleaners, but it's so much easier and I don't even think about it anymore. Also, oddly enough, he's gotten much better about doing some house keeping things like putting the dishes away every morning, he does his own laundry, etc.. maybe he was also overwhelmed when the kids were little, and did not even know where to start. He's not a throughout, he does all the stuff.


Cool story but what does this have to do with OP's husband, who is lazy and sucks?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:34     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.


No, he came home to selfishly ask her to do even more of his share of housework with no acknowledgement of his failures thus far.

Support is mutual. Is he supporting her? Or is he using her?


All of this is accurate. The husband wants “support” in the form of a free pass from any obligations in the home. “Just keep making everything happen here at home. Don’t ask anything of me. Throw me a ticker tape parade if I make a dinner or empty the dishwasher once or twice in a month. Demand nothing of me. That’s how I’ll know you’re supporting me.”

Yeah, that’s a hard pass.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:34     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.


Just how much lack of consideration, fairness, and basic adult functioning should a woman accept in the name of "support"? If she acted happy about it, that would be deceitful. She isn't, and he deserves to hear the truth even if it causes him a man-baby tantrum.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:32     Subject: Re:If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
My husband, despite his best efforts, has never been a great help around the house. And it was especially difficult for me when the kids were younger. Because I could not do it. All, we ended up outsourcing things like house cleaning, and even the laundry. Of course, it did not take away the date today doing the dishes. But we also did a lot more Uber eats and picking up food from restaurants. I had to seriously look at pros and cons, and I love my husband, and he is a very nice man and a good father, and that outweighed his lack of housekeeping abilities. My house was not as clean or neat as I would've liked it but I was able to cope. Now my kids are out of the house and it's just the two of us and we still have house cleaners, but it's so much easier and I don't even think about it anymore. Also, oddly enough, he's gotten much better about doing some house keeping things like putting the dishes away every morning, he does his own laundry, etc.. maybe he was also overwhelmed when the kids were little, and did not even know where to start. He's not a throughout, he does all the stuff.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:30     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.


No, he came home to selfishly ask her to do even more of his share of housework with no acknowledgement of his failures thus far.

Support is mutual. Is he supporting her? Or is he using her?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:15     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
My spouse does everything wrong and I do everything right.

Am I the jerk?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:07     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:04     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Forget the housework what kind of idiot falls for that nonsense these days? Do lots more work for no pay and ohhh you can get in front of the CEO! Come on, they just want someone to do grunt work they don’t want to do and they don’t want to pay someone. And yes even at high levels grunt work exists it’s just a different flavor.


OP did describe hom as being bad with money.

But seriously OP, I can't emphasize this enough, this is not how jobs work. Taking more responsibility and work and not getting paid for it is a HUGE red flag. The idea that "the CEO will see me" is worth absolutely nothing.

Either they have absolutely no faith in your husband or this place is massively dysfunctional, probably both.



I agree. A third possibility is they want to set him up to fail and get rid of him but it’s not so easy to get rid of them for whatever reason. I’ve seen them push people into “special projects” for “more visibility” while asking them to train a replacement for their old job and then fire them for not meeting the demands of the new role while buying time to replace the old role.