Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:54     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.


Empathy is for MIL who is alive.


IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:49     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.


Empathy is for MIL who is alive.


Why does MIL need empathy? What terrible thing happened to her?


Because she is alive, older -- the thoughts should be on her. Grieve; no one is saying not to. But everything does not stop while you do that. And in what world would one spouse not go to another's family event?
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:44     Subject: Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:He has a mother, too. He gets to celebrate his mother, too.

If his mother had passed first, would you have put together a birthday party for your own mother, anyway? Yes, you would have, and you would have expected your husband to show up for it. To suck it up.

Be honest with yourself, LW. Sometimes life doesn't feel fair. He still has his mother, and he gets to have a birthday party for her while she is still here. Be a grown up. Suck it up.


+1000
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:42     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.


Empathy is for MIL who is alive.


Why does MIL need empathy? What terrible thing happened to her?
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:33     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So talk to your husband. Tell him to do all the planning while he is at work. Tell him it’s painful to hear about it. Plan a trip away that weekend for yourself and don’t attend.

I’m sorry your mom died. Peace to you.


F that. Death is part of life. Get over yourself and deal with the living.


Oh, you’re a trash person. Got it.

Oh, and “Life Is For The Living” is trite, self-help, pop psych BS that belongs only crocheted on a throw pillow.


Np. I am assuming the poster above you is a troll. No one is that much of an a-hole and insensitive about grief.


I am. Work through the grief but not at the expense of other people. OP is not the center of the world. And the world did not stop spinning when her mother died. Grieve but come on and give me a break that she cannot attend a birthday party. If that is the level that she is at she needs help. And based on the post she is doing fine. The envy is normal. But you have to act better than that.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:29     Subject: Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have lost a parent and I think you're being ridiculous.

Fine if you find it difficult to help plan.
But to be mad at him for celebrating his mother.
Feeling like because your mother died his should too or he can't enjoy his is way off bounds.
Get into therapy before you destroy your relationship with grief

Go to the party.


Nope. OP, make other plans and skip the party.


No she does not. Not unless she wants all of DH's family to think she is crazy. Look -- I have lost a close parent. Not fun but you keep going. This is one of those times.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:27     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a total a**hole if…

It’s been less than 12 months since your mother passed away

It’s been less than 24 months since your mother passed, and it’s not a milestone birthday for his mother

If neither of the above, you should probably suck it up OP



24 months?! Even the Victorians had a shorter period of mourning for parents. One year.


Really a few weeks is all you get to be in crisis mode. Life moves fast and it keeps going. Sure you get some time but not a lot. Everyone's parents die. Including the MIL. Celebrate the dead but also the living. Really if it was a few weeks I would buy not doing anything. But even a month or two? For the grandmother of your children. Suck it up and get with the program.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:25     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.


Empathy is for MIL who is alive.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:24     Subject: Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:He has a mother, too. He gets to celebrate his mother, too.

If his mother had passed first, would you have put together a birthday party for your own mother, anyway? Yes, you would have, and you would have expected your husband to show up for it. To suck it up.

Be honest with yourself, LW. Sometimes life doesn't feel fair. He still has his mother, and he gets to have a birthday party for her while she is still here. Be a grown up. Suck it up.


I agree.

You should celebrate the living. No one is saying that you forget the dead.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:23     Subject: Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Op, I understand.

I just want to warn you that as you grow older, more and more losses will happen in your life. So the best way is to also celebrate memorial birthdays of your loved ones. Call a few people, have a small cake, a picture of your mom. And then just remember her and enjoy. Life is for the living. Be an example to your family in how to live with loss.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 11:21     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 10:58     Subject: Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:My mother died recently and my MIL's upcoming party is causing major envy for me. I'm having childish emotions: Why is she here and my mom is not? DH and his sister are throwing her a lavish bash that's involving plenty of planning, and I just want no part of it. I know this probably makes me a horrible human being.


It doesn't make you a horrible person but you do need grief counseling.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 10:56     Subject: Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
He has a mother, too. He gets to celebrate his mother, too.

If his mother had passed first, would you have put together a birthday party for your own mother, anyway? Yes, you would have, and you would have expected your husband to show up for it. To suck it up.

Be honest with yourself, LW. Sometimes life doesn't feel fair. He still has his mother, and he gets to have a birthday party for her while she is still here. Be a grown up. Suck it up.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 10:51     Subject: Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have lost a parent and I think you're being ridiculous.

Fine if you find it difficult to help plan.
But to be mad at him for celebrating his mother.
Feeling like because your mother died his should too or he can't enjoy his is way off bounds.
Get into therapy before you destroy your relationship with grief

Go to the party.


Nope. OP, make other plans and skip the party.


I think op should celebrate mil. Would op be mad if his mom died and chose not to celebrate her mom?
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2022 10:36     Subject: Re:Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party
Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a total a**hole if…

It’s been less than 12 months since your mother passed away

It’s been less than 24 months since your mother passed, and it’s not a milestone birthday for his mother

If neither of the above, you should probably suck it up OP



24 months?! Even the Victorians had a shorter period of mourning for parents. One year.