Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:45
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been with a man for 11 years now who has cheated on me multiple times. I stay because I prefer being with him and this version of a life to the alternative. But I say that while fully realizing I have terrible self-esteem and that a big part of me feels like I'm still trying to win him and I don't want to lose. I'm still trying to prove after all these years that I'm the one he wants. I also don't really have traditional views about monogamy, even though when he cheats I hurt as if I did.
Only you can decide if you want to live this way, and you don't need to decide anything quickly. I can tell you that for the first 7 or so years it was something that really ate at me inside. I'd think about it and experience the feelings of betrayal all over again. I became obsessed with constantly checking on him and figuring out his lies. It wasn't healthy at all.
Now it's not really that painful at all anymore. It's sort of like I have become numb to it. And you know what helped? I had my own dalliance a couple of years ago and it was like light bulbs went off everywhere that yes, it could be just about the allure and excitement of someone new and the fire of fresh physical attraction. It made me see his cheating in a whole new way.
Cue the posters who will say I'm a trash human, but just wanted to give you a different perspective.
Pff I don't think you're a trash human! I think everything you say makes sense and you are highly self-aware. and cheating on a man who is a cheater...I dunno, I thought I was fiercely against cheating but maybe I'm not. I think you are providing some valuable perspective here.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:42
Subject: He's cheating. Now what?
OP, if he knows you moved his laptop and remembers what he had on it when he fell asleep its possible that he's realized that you know for sure now.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:42
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
OP, I've been with a man for 11 years now who has cheated on me multiple times. I stay because I prefer being with him and this version of a life to the alternative. But I say that while fully realizing I have terrible self-esteem and that a big part of me feels like I'm still trying to win him and I don't want to lose. I'm still trying to prove after all these years that I'm the one he wants. I also don't really have traditional views about monogamy, even though when he cheats I hurt as if I did.
Only you can decide if you want to live this way, and you don't need to decide anything quickly. I can tell you that for the first 7 or so years it was something that really ate at me inside. I'd think about it and experience the feelings of betrayal all over again. I became obsessed with constantly checking on him and figuring out his lies. It wasn't healthy at all.
Now it's not really that painful at all anymore. It's sort of like I have become numb to it. And you know what helped? I had my own dalliance a couple of years ago and it was like light bulbs went off everywhere that yes, it could be just about the allure and excitement of someone new and the fire of fresh physical attraction. It made me see his cheating in a whole new way.
Cue the posters who will say I'm a trash human, but just wanted to give you a different perspective.
Only you can decide if you want to live this way, and you don't need to decide anything quickly. I can tell you that for the first 7 or so years it was something that really ate at me inside. I'd think about it and experience the feelings of betrayal all over again. I became obsessed with constantly checking on him and figuring out his lies. It wasn't healthy at all.
Now it's not really that painful at all anymore. It's sort of like I have become numb to it. And you know what helped? I had my own dalliance a couple of years ago and it was like light bulbs went off everywhere that yes, it could be just about the allure and excitement of someone new and the fire of fresh physical attraction. It made me see his cheating in a whole new way.
Cue the posters who will say I'm a trash human, but just wanted to give you a different perspective.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:34
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.
NP. You are obviously a cheater. You can love your kids and cheat because you are selfish and broken, but only a narcissist believes it is between the cheater and spouse. Cheating definitely results in broken homes and families and kids who see each parent at best 50% of the time - it blows up the kids’ world. At a minimum, tge cheater is taking away time that could be didn’t with kids.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:29
Subject: He's cheating. Now what?
A couple of things. If you want to stay. Bringing it up gets it out in the open. Meaning, you can talk about boundaries. It allows you to be honest about why you are no longer going to have sex with him.
I think if the only reason is so the kids don’t grow up in a divorced family… you may want to talk with a therapist about that.
Also, you are forcing yourself into many years of no intimacy. Are you thinking about staying until the kids are out of high school? College? How many years is that for you?
There have been a few recent threads about this, you might find some thoughts/comfort there.
Also, Reddit has a subreddit where you can read and share.
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/
A lot of people recommend chumplady.
https://www.chumplady.com/
I think if the only reason is so the kids don’t grow up in a divorced family… you may want to talk with a therapist about that.
Also, you are forcing yourself into many years of no intimacy. Are you thinking about staying until the kids are out of high school? College? How many years is that for you?
There have been a few recent threads about this, you might find some thoughts/comfort there.
Also, Reddit has a subreddit where you can read and share.
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/
A lot of people recommend chumplady.
https://www.chumplady.com/
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:28
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
I honestly think I could live with it, but not with keeping the secret. He unilaterally made a decision that you would both live with it, but you wouldn’t know. That’s a huge breach of trust. I wouldn’t be willing to pretend that was working, but I might be fine with knowingly looking the other way. I don’t know, it’s hard to speculate.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:23
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Re: divorced parents and your options your kids are going to be hurt either way. I am sorry. But it is entirely possible that one path will hurt less, which is not the same thing as hurting less now and more later (which is also possible). Again I’m sorry. I think it’s entirely possible to love your family more than a specific person.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:17
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes
OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.
Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.
It's common for kids to grow up with divorced parents (I did), but it's also common for a spouse to stay in a bad marriage so that kids don't have to grow up with divorced parents. You have two bad options and I'm sorry for that, but regardless of what you wind up doing you aren't going to be alone in your choice.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:14
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes
OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.
Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.
Btw if you are divorced, please don't read this as me being judgmental of divorce. I know no one ever sets out looking to get divorced, and that often you don't have a choice in the matter. I know there are lots of reasons for it and have had friends where I know divorce was the right thing for everyone. But at this moment I am just so filled with pain and thinking about the pain my children might experience in a divorce is gutting me. My head is spinning trying to think of how to make everything OK for them.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 09:12
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes
OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.
Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 08:57
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Op here. Yes
OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 08:54
Subject: He's cheating. Now what?
OP I spent a decade with a man like this who went on to be married for 20 years and did the same thing to her. It's not your failing of a wife in any way at all, it's his failing, his weakness.
You can confront him, but you are likely to get denial.
You can confront him, but you are likely to get denial.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 08:53
Subject: Re:He's cheating. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a doctor? Just thought you were since you said you had a lot of years in training at work and then you had kids much later.
OP, your health and safety are number one. like all suggested, STD"s are a big concern.
Also, I would not put myself at risk with the STD's. So, I would not sleep with my husband . I would confront him and make a plan to move out/divorce...
How is he with the kids?
Op here. Yes
On hold with gynecologist scheduling this appointment now.
Off topic but I have had a terrible time trying to schedule a gyno appointment either with GW or MedStar. I have a small issue I want checked out and they literally told me they had no appointments available on the calendar at all. Your GP can order this panel too.
Or just go to a Planned Parenthood if you don't want to wait.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 08:50
Subject: He's cheating. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What sort of proof did you find that gave you all of that information? If your marriage is a good as you say, why were you snooping? My biggest concern would be your kids finding out and growing up thinking that it is acceptable behavior.
He fell asleep with his open laptop on his lap. I moved it so it wouldn’t fall off the bed in the night, which I’ve done plenty of times before. This time, What was on the screen was extremely shocking and could only be one thing. I then did snoop and found lots lots more. Texts, meet ups, dating profiles, many things correlating with his business travel. Connecting various other dots, and knowing his patterns of behavior, it’s all very very clear. He’s actively making plans for more including tomorrow. And this weekend he has a work trip that I am certain will provide further opportunities.
I am very sad.
I'm sorry. Do you plan to keep having sex with him knowing what you know now? If you stop your intimate relationship with him then your kids will grow up seeing an affectionless marriage.
Anonymous
12/15/2022 08:46
Subject: He's cheating. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know
Actually high percentage he will leave you first
We lived in Europe for a long time and a lot of Europeans just look the other way when it comes to cheating. However in one situation the man ended up impregnating the affair partner and having a child with her. That’s the point at which the marriage gets broken up. I think if I were aware that my husband was having affairs, I always been waiting for that situation to materialize and I would feel like eventually he leaves you