Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

This is such good advice. You can’t control your family (size or dynamics), but you can control the narrative. PP’s urging you to try donor eggs and surrogacy at this point have not gone through infertility and don’t know the damage it does to your mental health. It is so easy to get fixated on that baby and how it will be the golden ticket to happiness. It rarely is though because the trauma and grief just doesn’t disappear.

This is an incorrect assumption. I am so grateful that I used donor eggs (after multiple failed IVFs) and I can say that yes it is so worth it!!! My life is infinitely richer. I get where OP is coming from because I am constantly trying to figure out how to have enough resources to have a second in part because I want my child to have a larger family and a family member after I am gone. I am an only child who always wanted a sibling. Sounds like OP does have the financial resources - I would just make sure her DH is on board and be aware that a baby is not going to be an instant companion to her child who will be a lot older (long-term is a different story).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

This is such good advice. You can’t control your family (size or dynamics), but you can control the narrative. PP’s urging you to try donor eggs and surrogacy at this point have not gone through infertility and don’t know the damage it does to your mental health. It is so easy to get fixated on that baby and how it will be the golden ticket to happiness. It rarely is though because the trauma and grief just doesn’t disappear.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for your responses, I am definitely thinking about this issue from new perspectives.

I am curious: how would you come to an acceptance about the fact that your only child has little to no extended family? I ruminate about this all the time. This upsets/worries me constantly because I worry that my child, who already feels lonely as an only, will feel all alone in the future. My parents are completely disengaged grandparents, my sister has no interest in a relationship and I only see her once every few years and she's really not an aunt to my son, and my in-laws are incredibly dysfunctional. I feel upset and disappointed in my own family's lack of interest in me and my son. They are happy with the occasional phone call and don't feel a need to see us or visit more than once a year or every few years.

Most of my friends/acquaintances have very involved and engaged grandparents/aunts, uncles and cousins and they have big, warm loving extended families for their kids and fun holidays. In contrast we don't spend any holidays with family (due to their lack of interest plus the distance) so we have no holiday memories with family. In general, we don't see family that often and when we do it's not a very enjoyable time for any of us. My son doesn't really know his extended family very well.

I am really disappointed that our families don't value family and am having a hard time making peace with this and moving on. And this is part of why I spent 8 years TTC because I really wanted to grow my own family.

Anonymous wrote:Foster parent here. Don't foster if both parents work. It's not fair to the kid and it's not easy. There are SO MANY appointments and visits and etc etc etc. Two working parents makes this very, very difficult. Foster kids need more time/attention.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for your responses, I am definitely thinking about this issue from new perspectives.

I am curious: how would you come to an acceptance about the fact that your only child has little to no extended family? I ruminate about this all the time. This upsets/worries me constantly because I worry that my child, who already feels lonely as an only, will feel all alone in the future. My parents are completely disengaged grandparents, my sister has no interest in a relationship and I only see her once every few years and she's really not an aunt to my son, and my in-laws are incredibly dysfunctional. I feel upset and disappointed in my own family's lack of interest in me and my son. They are happy with the occasional phone call and don't feel a need to see us or visit more than once a year or every few years.

Most of my friends/acquaintances have very involved and engaged grandparents/aunts, uncles and cousins and they have big, warm loving extended families for their kids and fun holidays. In contrast we don't spend any holidays with family (due to their lack of interest plus the distance) so we have no holiday memories with family. In general, we don't see family that often and when we do it's not a very enjoyable time for any of us. My son doesn't really know his extended family very well.

I am really disappointed that our families don't value family and am having a hard time making peace with this and moving on. And this is part of why I spent 8 years TTC because I really wanted to grow my own family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fostering sounds like a wonderful thing in this situation.

Yes, you could even foster an older kid who can actually play with your child.

I don’t think you need to foster/adopt a child just to have a playmate but this might be a win for all parties.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for your responses, I am definitely thinking about this issue from new perspectives.

I am curious: how would you come to an acceptance about the fact that your only child has little to no extended family? I ruminate about this all the time. This upsets/worries me constantly because I worry that my child, who already feels lonely as an only, will feel all alone in the future. My parents are completely disengaged grandparents, my sister has no interest in a relationship and I only see her once every few years and she's really not an aunt to my son, and my in-laws are incredibly dysfunctional. I feel upset and disappointed in my own family's lack of interest in me and my son. They are happy with the occasional phone call and don't feel a need to see us or visit more than once a year or every few years.

Most of my friends/acquaintances have very involved and engaged grandparents/aunts, uncles and cousins and they have big, warm loving extended families for their kids and fun holidays. In contrast we don't spend any holidays with family (due to their lack of interest plus the distance) so we have no holiday memories with family. In general, we don't see family that often and when we do it's not a very enjoyable time for any of us. My son doesn't really know his extended family very well.

I am really disappointed that our families don't value family and am having a hard time making peace with this and moving on. And this is part of why I spent 8 years TTC because I really wanted to grow my own family.