Anonymous wrote:I have one male sibling. He’s the “baby” who, at 40, has only ever had one job not given to him by my parents’ company. Even now, he lives rent free in one of their prime properties. He is the star of the show, always. They cannot rave about him enough and it makes me sick (some disgust, some envy). He will inherit all of their wealth, which will be frittered away on drugs and alcohol. I’m the invisible “kid” even now, at 50.

+1

So true. The enabler and the enabled - it is ALL about them!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

I totally agree. It’s name calling and it’s wrong, and if OP is saying this sort of thing to her parents, it’s no wonder they react strongly to it. Describe the behavior - refusal to work, for example. Call out the behavior. But the labeling of a family member is disrespectful.

Patterns make a behavior.

Patterns:
Refusal to work
Moocher
Wakes up after 12 noon
Makes excuses
Blames others for everything
Quits things before finishing
Stomps off
Never resolves conflicts
Lies and omits info
Takes advantage of others generosity

Behavior: a Dud

Yes! You have to be loving but tough as a parent. With my teen DS, I am kind and supportive, but I don't sugarcoat the future, what we are willing to provide and what we are not. I have a sibling on the spectrum and he has held a steady (albeit low paying) job for over thirty years. He pays his own rent, healthcare, clothing, etc. I will help him when he's older and no longer able to work. He's never expected anyone to take care of him- and my parents couldn't (and wouldn't) anyway. The conditions (ADHD, anxiety, autism) run in our family.
My father is the "dud" and it's because he was enabled by his parents who minimized his issues, financially supported him, and encouraged him toward traditional roles (father/husbanc) when he wasn't capable of either.

Anonymous wrote:Mental disorders are usually at the root of it. Be careful if they’re genetic. You’ll be dealing with it from all sides - elderly parents, adult siblings and possibly even your children. Or spouse if you married “what you’re used to.”

Agree with this, it doesn't have to be raging mental illness but could be debilitating anxiety that presents as laziness, perhaps exacerbated by circumstances. I have a dear relative who is a dud, anxiety since infancy and his father demeaned him constantly growing up (while clearly favoring the higher-achieving sibling). It was hard to watch.

I have one male sibling. He’s the “baby” who, at 40, has only ever had one job not given to him by my parents’ company. Even now, he lives rent free in one of their prime properties. He is the star of the show, always. They cannot rave about him enough and it makes me sick (some disgust, some envy). He will inherit all of their wealth, which will be frittered away on drugs and alcohol. I’m the invisible “kid” even now, at 50.

I had to disengage with mine. Otherwise the sense of lack of fairness to have someone's life bankrolled because they are lazy to work is too frustrating. The moochers- I get it- life is easy. But the parents who get enmeshed and don't create a healthy boundary- I don't get.

I realized I was angry at my parents years ago. When I tried to encourage them to create goals/timelines with siblings, (eg, pay rent- even $50 a month, donate time to charities if they are too good to work for 'the man' etc) they agreed they were good ideas but would NOT do them, I gave up. In my parents mind, because there was no mental illness/crime/drug/alcohol history with siblings so it was somehow not serious.

Especially when I'd complain about an adult in their 30s/40s living rent free... and how their 'funny story about a tv show' they all watched the other day or something funny the dog did wasn't really that entertaining- and to get out and live life and better experiences to talk about- and my parens would attack me for not having my doctorate yet etc... it was crazy that I was somehow falling short in advanced degree- compared to someone else who didn't work or pay rent....so I just stopped talking about siblings and changed the topic if they tried to talk about them. Glad I did that as my mum passed unexpectedly and if I'd maintained the foot I'd put down, I'd have cut off contact and not enjoyed what time we did have.

11:14 stated "I vacillate between compassion, pity, anger, resentment, jealousy, and indifference depending on the day and level of drama." and I think that about sums it up.

My uncle is/was like this. Although unlike your brother he was also a mean person. My grandparents were incredibly frugal with their own life so they didn’t run out of money and left money to both of their sons (and grandkids). But I do think it created a lot of resentment between the brothers.

Also something I’m sure my grandparents didn’t think about…my dad died within three years of them dying. So if they had envisioned him looking after his brother that clearly didn’t happen. And in fact no one has. I don’t know if he’s alive nor does his son. You should ask your parents what their plan is if your brother outlives you all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of my siblings mooch heavily off of my parents who refuse to cut them off and constantly enable their behavior. They each live, for free, in homes my parents own. Neither work. One has kids for which my mother provides free constant childcare (even though my sister doesn’t work). The other got my parents to buy him a car.

All of them (even my parents) come to me for money and I have had to cut them off financially. I cannot have a normal relationship with my siblings so I have had to put up huge boundaries with them and now I barely see or speak to them (which has drastically reduced my stress).

I have my own family and children to worry about; my time and resources need to be focused on them, not my siblings. I do resent them and have made it clear that when my mother passes away I am not stepping in to support them financially.

I'm sorry, pp. Is your mom buying love?

No, I think my mother has an insatiable need to be needed and is highly co-dependent. She has helped create this dynamic where she believes she is critical to my siblings’ wellbeing and they cannot function without her support. I am extremely independent and have never asked her for money or anything else other than to spend time with me and my children. However, she doesn’t seem to be able to understand that my request has no strings attached and that I don’t “need” her. So whenever we do see her, she’s spending all her time checking on my siblings via text and phone calls. Hence our relationship is incredibly strained because she just can’t be.

I am shocked how many have situation similar to OPs. I thought my brother was a unique case.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

Apply your talents! Don’t waste them!

I don't have any talents that are useful in a consistent way that could earn me enough money to buy an apartment.

You're not a dud in the sense that's being used on this thread, to describe siblings who simply choose not to work and instead sponge off parents. As long as you're working to the best of your abilities, you deserve respect. Not everybody needs to own property.

Yes, I'm not a mooch. That's true. It'd be nice to own and not worry about how I will pay to live somewhere. What if I cant work up until the month I die? Like, what if I'm not physically capable? How will I pay rent? That keeps me up at night.

Start saving! Are you eligible for a traditional pension? You'll get Social Security (ignore the naysayers, they just want to privatize it).

I am saving. I don't think I get a pension? And the SS payments won't be enough to live on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

Apply your talents! Don’t waste them!

I don't have any talents that are useful in a consistent way that could earn me enough money to buy an apartment.

You're not a dud in the sense that's being used on this thread, to describe siblings who simply choose not to work and instead sponge off parents. As long as you're working to the best of your abilities, you deserve respect. Not everybody needs to own property.

Yes, I'm not a mooch. That's true. It'd be nice to own and not worry about how I will pay to live somewhere. What if I cant work up until the month I die? Like, what if I'm not physically capable? How will I pay rent? That keeps me up at night.

Start saving! Are you eligible for a traditional pension? You'll get Social Security (ignore the naysayers, they just want to privatize it).

Instead you’d pay a mortgage, insurance and property taxes. Plus tie up a bunch of money as a down payment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

Apply your talents! Don’t waste them!

I don't have any talents that are useful in a consistent way that could earn me enough money to buy an apartment.

You're not a dud in the sense that's being used on this thread, to describe siblings who simply choose not to work and instead sponge off parents. As long as you're working to the best of your abilities, you deserve respect. Not everybody needs to own property.

Yes, I'm not a mooch. That's true. It'd be nice to own and not worry about how I will pay to live somewhere. What if I cant work up until the month I die? Like, what if I'm not physically capable? How will I pay rent? That keeps me up at night.

Forgot the:
Enabling
Codependency
Verbal and emotional abuse to others
Impulsivity

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

I totally agree. It’s name calling and it’s wrong, and if OP is saying this sort of thing to her parents, it’s no wonder they react strongly to it. Describe the behavior - refusal to work, for example. Call out the behavior. But the labeling of a family member is disrespectful.

Patterns make a behavior.

Patterns:
Refusal to work
Moocher
Wakes up after 12 noon
Makes excuses
Blames others for everything
Quits things before finishing
Stomps off
Never resolves conflicts
Lies and omits info
Takes advantage of others generosity

Behavior: a Dud

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

I totally agree. It’s name calling and it’s wrong, and if OP is saying this sort of thing to her parents, it’s no wonder they react strongly to it. Describe the behavior - refusal to work, for example. Call out the behavior. But the labeling of a family member is disrespectful.

#deflection
#ODD