Anonymous wrote:My DD knows most of the kids in her class, and we know most of the parents as well.

She seems to get along with everyone (boys and girls). There are few girls she gravitates towards and the seem to get along well in school.

The problem is the mom of one of the kids will arrange lunches/playdates and does not include our daughter. (the kids are 9 & 10. So too young to make external plans)

The mother seems very nice in person, but standoffish. Truly I do not know why our daughter is excluded. I've asked the mom if she'd like to make plans - no, she's already mades some. Next time! Then I learn she's asked other moms and girls, but not us.

Plus in the class my DD is always "plan b". (when they are partnered up. ). It just hurts to see our child get her feelings hurt. (by the child of the mom mentioned above). My child is always trying to be accepted/friends, but is kind of brushed off.

Sorry this is so vague. I don't want to share too many personal details.

I did recommend that she tries to play with some of the other girls in the class. Ask them if they'd like to be partners for activities during the week, etc. She deserves to be treated well and valued as a friend.

Any advice? I feel like confronting the mother - but I know it's the wrong thing to do and will cause more drama.

Anonymous wrote:There are some kids who are naturally popular. For girls, they are usually the prettier ones. For boys, they are often the athletic ones. This was the case when I was a kid and I don’t think it has changed.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

Same. Including 2 friends would my max unless it was a birthday party. 3+ friends in addition to my own kids is no longer a play date but a party

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Well then, there you go. Step up and host.

I could very well be the mom OP mentions. My child hangs out with the same 3 friends since school started. If we had plans with the other 3 friends, I would not add on another kid. 3 kids is also my absolute max. My kid sometimes asks if this other kid can come but then I say it is too many kids. Nothing against the other kid. That other kid’s parents have never invited my kid anywhere or invited my kid over.

Anonymous wrote:I posted previously that I have a popular son. He often wants to invite 4 or 5 but I don’t want too many people in our house or on our outing. I tend to include the same 2-3 kids. Kids 4 and 5 are often not included but they are all in the same friend group at school. DS is everyone’s friend so he has multiple friends that probably consider DS a good friend. He gets invited to many play dates and parties.

I have 2 other kids and they barely get invited to anything. Their play dates are usually 1-2 kids only.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Well then, there you go. Step up and host.

I could very well be the mom OP mentions. My child hangs out with the same 3 friends since school started. If we had plans with the other 3 friends, I would not add on another kid. 3 kids is also my absolute max. My kid sometimes asks if this other kid can come but then I say it is too many kids. Nothing against the other kid. That other kid’s parents have never invited my kid anywhere or invited my kid over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Well then, there you go. Step up and host.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Anonymous wrote:(1) This mom doesn't like you.
(2) This mom doesn't like your kid or thinks she's a bad influence in some way.
(3) The other girls don't like your daughter as much as your daughter likes them, for what could be a huge range of reasons.

It's impossible to know which is which. Invite the other girls in this group for one-on-one activities, and invite other kids in the class, too. These tight little groups are bad news at this age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.