Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

This might be the root of it. It’s certainly possible that these girls are being mean, and also that the reason is that your daughter is a high maintenance friend. If she’s always causing drama, eventually it becomes easier to not include her. She will eventually mature past this, but I suspect this is what’s going on and this would also explain why your mom friends don’t know what to say to you. Most parents don’t want to hear negatives about their child, or hear they are annoying to others.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and friends had a group of 6 from early elementary. In 6th grade, one of the girls (XX) started a pattern of behavior where she would claim that the others were being mean to her in this way or that and then generally ask to be driven home. As part of this, she made up all sorts of tall tales: so and so did this, said this, etc. We (the other parents) took her word very seriously when this started and we had many a conversation with our own kids to "be nice to XX" "be sensitive to her" etc. However, over time things continued to escalate and XX's stories got increasingly grandiose. We (the parents) started asking our kids separately "tell me exactly what happened" and we realized that our stories jived while XX's did not. In fact, they were told for the sake of being dramatic and then rescued by her parents. For whatever reason, at that developmental stage this girl THRIVED on drama and then built up a behavioral pattern where she would have her parents swoop in and rescue her. Her parents always took her word for it and viewed her completely as the victim.

It's now 8th grade and this girl has just naturally left the group. She's matured and is in a good place within a different group of kids.

I bring this up because sometimes it's not the group that's at fault but the kid who is being excluded is making herself toxic to the group. No one wants to be friends with a kid who is always playing the victim or injecting drama into a friend group. In my experience, when a friend group shifts its just as likely to because of the kids being excluded as it is because of those left in the group.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and friends had a group of 6 from early elementary. In 6th grade, one of the girls (XX) started a pattern of behavior where she would claim that the others were being mean to her in this way or that and then generally ask to be driven home. As part of this, she made up all sorts of tall tales: so and so did this, said this, etc. We (the other parents) took her word very seriously when this started and we had many a conversation with our own kids to "be nice to XX" "be sensitive to her" etc. However, over time things continued to escalate and XX's stories got increasingly grandiose. We (the parents) started asking our kids separately "tell me exactly what happened" and we realized that our stories jived while XX's did not. In fact, they were told for the sake of being dramatic and then rescued by her parents. For whatever reason, at that developmental stage this girl THRIVED on drama and then built up a behavioral pattern where she would have her parents swoop in and rescue her. Her parents always took her word for it and viewed her completely as the victim.

It's now 8th grade and this girl has just naturally left the group. She's matured and is in a good place within a different group of kids.

I bring this up because sometimes it's not the group that's at fault but the kid who is being excluded is making herself toxic to the group. No one wants to be friends with a kid who is always playing the victim or injecting drama into a friend group. In my experience, when a friend group shifts its just as likely to because of the kids being excluded as it is because of those left in the group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This happened to one of my kids in middle school.

I get that friends change, but the way that the parents handled it was crappy. I didn’t expect them to actually do anything but they pretended like it wasn’t happening.

My kid has found a couple new friends and there is practically no drama.

What would you have wanted them to say/do?

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Yeah. Unfortunately, this is true. Once the Queen Bee has targeted someone, there is really nothing that can be done, but help the kid find a new group. And, OF COURSE the parents know. If 6 of them get in a car as a group that used to be 7, they notice. The parents don't care b/c it's not happening to their kid. It's gross.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

Anonymous wrote:OP this happened to my oldest years ago.


Help her find other friends these are not her friends.

And calling parents isn't going to do anything but make them talk about you more.

Help her find her passions and find friends there. And think about changing schools.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.