Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:Many parents on this website are also very confused about the purpose of education.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.

? I'm the PP, and not OP. My kid isn't in college yet. DC is a senior, looking at colleges, and they want to apply to expensive top tier. DC is also asking the question "was it worth all that effort in a magnet program to not end up at a top tier". So, yea, I feel guilty if DC can't go to a top tier because of finances.

OTH, I have told DC that the effort was worth it given how competitive even public universities are now a days, and that the work load in HS will have more than prepared them for the workload in college such that college might be a breeze, and DC can enjoy their college years, get an internship, work and save money, and not be stressed out.

Why would you feel guilty? For not being richer? For not impoverishing yourself to send them to a school that might not even provide a better education or better prepare them for life? For buying into artificial ranking systems that were designed to sell magazines? For being obsessed with status? There are hundreds of excellent undergraduate institutions in this country, with a variety of programs in a variety of fields. If you can't understand how working hard in high school is "worth it" even if you don't go to one of, what, 20 of them? then your education hasn't been all that great.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.

? I'm the PP, and not OP. My kid isn't in college yet. DC is a senior, looking at colleges, and they want to apply to expensive top tier. DC is also asking the question "was it worth all that effort in a magnet program to not end up at a top tier". So, yea, I feel guilty if DC can't go to a top tier because of finances.

OTH, I have told DC that the effort was worth it given how competitive even public universities are now a days, and that the work load in HS will have more than prepared them for the workload in college such that college might be a breeze, and DC can enjoy their college years, get an internship, work and save money, and not be stressed out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.

? I'm the PP, and not OP. My kid isn't in college yet. DC is a senior, looking at colleges, and they want to apply to expensive top tier. DC is also asking the question "was it worth all that effort in a magnet program to not end up at a top tier". So, yea, I feel guilty if DC can't go to a top tier because of finances.



Do the calculator in advance, and refrain from applying to schools that you would not let him attend (for financial reasons). It will only lead to angst.