Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet low-key kids should go to LACs. We made the exact same mistake with our oldest. We knew he was anxious and overwhelmed and struggled to come out of his shell — but we sent him to the state flagship because it was perceived to be more prestigious than LACs within driving distance. He was immediately overwhelmed and became a loner and before long was ditching most of his classes. If you have no friends, you don’t even want to eat in the cafeteria because it’s so embarrassing to eat alone. If nobody invites you anywhere on a weekend, it’s embarrassing to even walk around the dorm, so you become a shut-in. Even the brightest kids spiral quickly.

This is my fear about DS - but he’s determined to ED to the state flagship. I think however it’s all about the luck of who is your roommate and who do you meet in your dorm, right ?

You have to step out and seek out community if you aren't lucky in clicking well right away with your roommate/hallmates. If possible, live in an living-learning community, although that's no guarantee. My son's at a 30K+ college and had always been pretty outgoing and made friends easily but even he found it difficult and he did think the covid senior year had hurt his social skills. He was in an LLC but didn't really engage with what they offered. But, for him, a big factor was a couple close friends went to the same school and he really leaned on those friends. I think if he hadn't had those, the need for friends would have given him more of a push to engage and he'd have gotten over the discomfort. He's in his 2nd year and still his core friend group is his high school friends.

We didn't really talk with him about this stuff before he went away because it had never been an issue. And he said when home at xmas and reflecting on the year so far that he expected academics to be hard and social stuff to be easy but it was completely the opposite. If I had an introverted/anxious kid, I would definitely talk with them before moving about strategies, that you should expect it to take time, review the website to ID some groups to join. Encourage daily/weekly goals around pushing yourself to engage. It takes work.

This^^^ For first time, I had to map out social goals/expectations with my introverted kid for start of freshman year. They are 3K miles from home and knew nobody. Got lucky that their roommate is nice. But roommate hangs out with the one friend they know from home, so my kid hangs with them and is slowly building more groups of friends. But I'm glad my kid doesn't have anyone from home to cling to. Because while they started out anxious, they have started making more friends, while the roommate is still hanging mostly with the friend from home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet low-key kids should go to LACs. We made the exact same mistake with our oldest. We knew he was anxious and overwhelmed and struggled to come out of his shell — but we sent him to the state flagship because it was perceived to be more prestigious than LACs within driving distance. He was immediately overwhelmed and became a loner and before long was ditching most of his classes. If you have no friends, you don’t even want to eat in the cafeteria because it’s so embarrassing to eat alone. If nobody invites you anywhere on a weekend, it’s embarrassing to even walk around the dorm, so you become a shut-in. Even the brightest kids spiral quickly.

This is my fear about DS - but he’s determined to ED to the state flagship. I think however it’s all about the luck of who is your roommate and who do you meet in your dorm, right ?

You have to step out and seek out community if you aren't lucky in clicking well right away with your roommate/hallmates. If possible, live in an living-learning community, although that's no guarantee. My son's at a 30K+ college and had always been pretty outgoing and made friends easily but even he found it difficult and he did think the covid senior year had hurt his social skills. He was in an LLC but didn't really engage with what they offered. But, for him, a big factor was a couple close friends went to the same school and he really leaned on those friends. I think if he hadn't had those, the need for friends would have given him more of a push to engage and he'd have gotten over the discomfort. He's in his 2nd year and still his core friend group is his high school friends.

We didn't really talk with him about this stuff before he went away because it had never been an issue. And he said when home at xmas and reflecting on the year so far that he expected academics to be hard and social stuff to be easy but it was completely the opposite. If I had an introverted/anxious kid, I would definitely talk with them before moving about strategies, that you should expect it to take time, review the website to ID some groups to join. Encourage daily/weekly goals around pushing yourself to engage. It takes work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet low-key kids should go to LACs. We made the exact same mistake with our oldest. We knew he was anxious and overwhelmed and struggled to come out of his shell — but we sent him to the state flagship because it was perceived to be more prestigious than LACs within driving distance. He was immediately overwhelmed and became a loner and before long was ditching most of his classes. If you have no friends, you don’t even want to eat in the cafeteria because it’s so embarrassing to eat alone. If nobody invites you anywhere on a weekend, it’s embarrassing to even walk around the dorm, so you become a shut-in. Even the brightest kids spiral quickly.

This is my fear about DS - but he’s determined to ED to the state flagship. I think however it’s all about the luck of who is your roommate and who do you meet in your dorm, right ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet low-key kids should go to LACs. We made the exact same mistake with our oldest. We knew he was anxious and overwhelmed and struggled to come out of his shell — but we sent him to the state flagship because it was perceived to be more prestigious than LACs within driving distance. He was immediately overwhelmed and became a loner and before long was ditching most of his classes. If you have no friends, you don’t even want to eat in the cafeteria because it’s so embarrassing to eat alone. If nobody invites you anywhere on a weekend, it’s embarrassing to even walk around the dorm, so you become a shut-in. Even the brightest kids spiral quickly.

This is my fear about DS - but he’s determined to ED to the state flagship. I think however it’s all about the luck of who is your roommate and who do you meet in your dorm, right ?

Anonymous wrote:Is it really that embarrassing to eat alone? I did it ms y times in college when my friends weren’t around and never thought anything of it.

Anonymous wrote:Quiet low-key kids should go to LACs. We made the exact same mistake with our oldest. We knew he was anxious and overwhelmed and struggled to come out of his shell — but we sent him to the state flagship because it was perceived to be more prestigious than LACs within driving distance. He was immediately overwhelmed and became a loner and before long was ditching most of his classes. If you have no friends, you don’t even want to eat in the cafeteria because it’s so embarrassing to eat alone. If nobody invites you anywhere on a weekend, it’s embarrassing to even walk around the dorm, so you become a shut-in. Even the brightest kids spiral quickly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) You go to meals with your roommate. Or you knock on doors and say, "I'm headed to the dining hall, anyone want to join me?"
(2) You get to the dining hall and see people sitting at a table who look like they just got there and say, "mind if I sit here?" and they say, "Sure," and you sit down.
(3) You join one of the 18 bazillion clubs, rec sports teams, or student organizations that exist on big campuses.

This^^^
Also add: 4) you do things that normally wouldn't interest you (Ie. my kid is attending sporting events, playing basketball---she's never done that, hated PE and regular sports except gymnastics and dance. Yet she is at the gym 3-4/wk doing it with her roommate/floormates) just anything so you are with people> and when you are with people you need to be actively "faking it until you make it", so talking and participating. Who knows, you might find new things you like, and as a bonus you meet people.

+100
I am as non-sporty/athletic as they come and my hallmates persuaded me to join their intramural basketball team. I was scared to death and so awkward, but I actually did ok and had a blast. Those girls became my close friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

This is utterly bizarre. Of course you don't send a painfully shy or extremely introverted person to a large school, if there is a history of social difficulties - as there seems to be with the girl in question. But most kids do great at large schools. They often find it refreshing to be among a lot of people, where they can reinvent themselves or find "their people" - that doesn't often happen at small schools. It sounds very much like you're projecting your own (or your kids') experiences. Large schools can be a TON of fun and provide numerous opportunities that small schools would never be able to. Both have their pros and cons - but your rant against large schools is just absurd.

I don’t understand the obsession with the kids from her high school in a school of 30,000. If she doesn’t have. A good history with them, there are 29,990 other kids to become friends with.

+1

OP: Why not name the school with 30,000 students that "your niece" attends ?

Because your antagonistic post will convince her that you can help with university specific resources? You are a piece of work. Quit trolling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

This is utterly bizarre. Of course you don't send a painfully shy or extremely introverted person to a large school, if there is a history of social difficulties - as there seems to be with the girl in question. But most kids do great at large schools. They often find it refreshing to be among a lot of people, where they can reinvent themselves or find "their people" - that doesn't often happen at small schools. It sounds very much like you're projecting your own (or your kids') experiences. Large schools can be a TON of fun and provide numerous opportunities that small schools would never be able to. Both have their pros and cons - but your rant against large schools is just absurd.

I don’t understand the obsession with the kids from her high school in a school of 30,000. If she doesn’t have. A good history with them, there are 29,990 other kids to become friends with.

+1

OP: Why not name the school with 30,000 students that "your niece" attends ?

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. support exists your niece is either ignoring it or you don’t know what you’re talking about. You sound like an extreme busybody, OP. Why are you so invested in the friendships of your niece? Who is telling you she only had two friends in HS? Is she sharing these things and asking for help? If so, I guarantee there is an RA or an RD who has been arranging activities people can go to together. She can talk to her RA to find a schedule, etc. At the very least, the RA could invite her along and introduce her to people… but your niece has to talk and participate to make friends. They don’t magically happen.

Yes, she is in a big school. Not everyone class is over 100 people. She has at least 1-2 small classes- an English class or science lab or something. She also can make acquaintances with people in class. Sit near people that look nice. Ask them questions, share notes. On Thursday or Friday ask what they are doing this weekend. Say “I hadn’t heard of that event… maybe I’ll check it out.” Then show up.

I am VERY introverted but I still met the people on my hall freshman year and we hung out some. There are hall/building meetings or some such type of things. People were knocking on doors, etc. She just has to respond to opportunities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

This is utterly bizarre. Of course you don't send a painfully shy or extremely introverted person to a large school, if there is a history of social difficulties - as there seems to be with the girl in question. But most kids do great at large schools. They often find it refreshing to be among a lot of people, where they can reinvent themselves or find "their people" - that doesn't often happen at small schools. It sounds very much like you're projecting your own (or your kids') experiences. Large schools can be a TON of fun and provide numerous opportunities that small schools would never be able to. Both have their pros and cons - but your rant against large schools is just absurd.

I don’t understand the obsession with the kids from her high school in a school of 30,000. If she doesn’t have. A good history with them, there are 29,990 other kids to become friends with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of writing.

Agree 100%.

This is a post by a troll. (And this is the first time that I have ever used or written the word "troll".)

To be clear, I should have written that this is a THREAD started by a troll.

I am amazed at the lengths that LAC folks go to in order to perpetuate the romanticized myth of glorious life at an LAC, while spreading falsehoods about non-LACs.

Wow. You truly live in a conspiracy theory.

As if there is a cadre of "LAC folks" (parents? Or do you think that LAC admissions officers lurk here to create posts?) who are rubbing their hands together gleefully and writing detailed fictional accounts to sow doubt about any other type of school. Sure, sure.

Are you equally aghast at the lengths that big-state-flagship boosters go to in order to perpetuate the romanticized myth of glorious life at a gigantic university?

See, that works both ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of writing.

Agree 100%.

This is a post by a troll. (And this is the first time that I have ever used or written the word "troll".)

To be clear, I should have written that this is a THREAD started by a troll.

I am amazed at the lengths that LAC folks go to in order to perpetuate the romanticized myth of glorious life at an LAC, while spreading falsehoods about non-LACs.