Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you had to learn this lesson a hard way. I too was hoping for at least fair treatment from my FIL during divorce and settlement, but no. Made me realize that blood family comes first always and to never ever trust in laws. You are just someone they have to deal with for them; an accessory to their dear child. It’s harsh but very true.
I had a very complicated relationship with my own family and was looking to find that family love and care but now realize how misplaced it was.
I hope you are able to heal soon. Let your DH do what he must wrt elder care but don’t put in your own effort or emotion

+1

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

I get you op. I'd bet if if there weren't issues with your mil and/or fil, you would take second stage to sil. My ils were all talk about how much help they would be when I had premature twins with medical issues. Not only were they not helpful, they attacked and belittled every decision we made regarding our children. They took no time helping or getting to know our children and they are strangers to them now. I did so much for this family that they counted on me to help them constantly.

Op, I read most of these responses but not all. There’s a lot of judgement here so here is what I will say.

Start taking more care of yourself and worry a little less about other peoples needs and whether or not they are able to help with yours. There is resentment here and that is ok. The resentment is trying to let you know something - probably that you are not honoring your own needs.

Your in laws are the way they are and there is probably work to be done there. Maybe your in laws will be able to help you more in the future, or maybe not. But for now YOU can start taking better care of yourself immediately.

First of all, be honest with them about what you are capable of if they ask for help. Example: “can you please run z or y errand” answer: “I’m sorry I actually can’t . I don’t have the bandwidth for this right now and am struggling with a number of things.” Do not over extend yourself. Next, punt as much back to your husband as possible. This is HIS family. Let him lead the way. If he needs you to help him with his family then he can ask you directly and again, be honest with him about what you can and can’t do.

Ask yourself, what do you need for yourself? Take up the space and resources you need for that. Show people how you want to be treated by treating yourself this way.

It will take time to shift this dynamic but you can start today.

Take your energy back from focusing on how you in laws have not and are not there for you. Use it instead on practicing saying “no” or “not now” and taking care of yourself. Also, if you truly want your in laws to know how you are doing but they are not asking then take up the space you are hoping for and just tell them. Don’t want for the invitation. But if you don’t actually want them to know then stay mum.

OP - consider getting some help for your postpartum anxiety.