Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 22:42     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Oh I’m so terribly sorry for the misunderstanding on my part. I thought you were supposed to give it in person after the wedding. That’s how our culture does it. Would you like to get together this week for coffee so you can make sure that card is waiting for the bride and groom when they return from the honeymoon? How terrible I would feel if they thought I forgot about them…


?!?! What????

No as many PPs have noted mil was beyond rude.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 21:37     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Oh I’m so terribly sorry for the misunderstanding on my part. I thought you were supposed to give it in person after the wedding. That’s how our culture does it. Would you like to get together this week for coffee so you can make sure that card is waiting for the bride and groom when they return from the honeymoon? How terrible I would feel if they thought I forgot about them…
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 21:24     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.


Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.


Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.


What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.


I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.


So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.


For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!


This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.


If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 21:23     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. It was a bridal shower, not wedding shower, sorry I mistyped. I was invited but declined due to baby and not being able to travel easily. I sent the bride a card with some kind words and printed a poem on fancy stationery since they asked people to bring a poem or song or reading about love to the shower that they assembled into a book for the bride. I had only met the bride once and didn't know the shower host so I sent my poem via the groom's mother.

I guess it might have been around the same time as the shower that my husband sent the gift from the registry. He filled out all our family names on the gift message, and the store should have flagged him and the buyer, but the thank you card for that gift was made out only to me, now that I think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to learn that while we may have missed the cultural etiquette on the card box, it's still not polite to be tracked down this way. It was the fanciest wedding I've ever attended, so it did strike me a little bit like they might be trying to recoup costs, but I'll try to read it in the best possible light, "bless her heart."


Well yeah, you didn’t even cover the cost of your plates! Tacky. They’re thinking “bless her (ignorant, uneducated) heart.”

You should send a check so they don’t think badly of your H who knows them better than you.


JFC, it is a party and the bride and groom (and their parents if they do it that way) are the HOSTS. Hosts provide food and drink to guests. They should never expect guests to pay for their own meals, which is exactly what the crude "cover the cost of your plate" myth is all about.

When deciding how much to spend on a wedding gift, you might be swayed by the widespread idea that you should buy something equivalent to the cost per plate at the reception.

However, “covering your plate” isn’t expected, says Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-host of Emily Post’s “Awesome Etiquette” podcast. The value of your gift “is never based off how much the couple is paying per plate,” she tells CNBC Make It. “That is a misconception in American culture.”

That’s because guests should never know the cost of the wedding. There’s no need to speculate on how much, or how little, the bride and groom spent on their big day, either. “It’s none of your business,” Post says. “They might have had a family friend who catered all the food. Or they might have had unlimited funds, and you don’t have to know that either.”

Instead, you should figure out how much you can comfortably spend and stay within those limits, Post advises.

Source: https://www.cnbc.com/2018/05/22/when-buying-a-wedding-gift-you-dont-have-to-cover-your-plate.html

And there are many, many other sources for the same advice, including The Knot and Miss Manners. "Cover your plate" is crass.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 21:19     Subject: Re:Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Yes the norm is that registry gifts are for the shower and you give them cash at the wedding to at least cover your plates plus some extra for the marriage.

Send them a check for $500 and call it a day.


Sigh. That's not "the norm," that's what's traditional where you grew up or live now or whatever.

Registry gifts = shower and cash = wedding is not at all the norm in other places in the US, as you'd understand if you'd read the thread with any care. A lot of variation goes on.

Don't make big, sweeping proclamations that your own local/cultural/church tradition is a "norm" as if everyone everywhere does every wedding that way and it is The One Way To Do It.

And the idea of "covering your plate" is beyond tacky anywhere.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 20:55     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Op here. It was a bridal shower, not wedding shower, sorry I mistyped. I was invited but declined due to baby and not being able to travel easily. I sent the bride a card with some kind words and printed a poem on fancy stationery since they asked people to bring a poem or song or reading about love to the shower that they assembled into a book for the bride. I had only met the bride once and didn't know the shower host so I sent my poem via the groom's mother.

I guess it might have been around the same time as the shower that my husband sent the gift from the registry. He filled out all our family names on the gift message, and the store should have flagged him and the buyer, but the thank you card for that gift was made out only to me, now that I think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to learn that while we may have missed the cultural etiquette on the card box, it's still not polite to be tracked down this way. It was the fanciest wedding I've ever attended, so it did strike me a little bit like they might be trying to recoup costs, but I'll try to read it in the best possible light, "bless her heart."


Well yeah, you didn’t even cover the cost of your plates! Tacky. They’re thinking “bless her (ignorant, uneducated) heart.”

You should send a check so they don’t think badly of your H who knows them better than you.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 20:53     Subject: Re:Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Yes the norm is that registry gifts are for the shower and you give them cash at the wedding to at least cover your plates plus some extra for the marriage.

Send them a check for $500 and call it a day.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 20:46     Subject: Re:Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
For my bachelorette friends purchased lingerie, I was pretty shocked that it was a gift giving sort of event but was very thankful and gracious.

For my shower there were toasters and plates. I hosted a co Ed wedding shower for my BFF that was an evening event and the happy couple also got toasters and plates.

For my wedding everything was cash or check. Most from NYC and DMV. We got married in DC.

MOB was rude but I can see how they thought that was a decline for the shower gift and ‘something must be missing’. I always send a gift when I decline a baby/bridal/wedding shower and then cash at the main event. Also wondering who these people are to OP.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 20:09     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.


Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.


Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.


What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.


I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.


So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.


For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!


This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 19:17     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.


Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.


Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.


What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.


I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.


So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.


For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 19:05     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.


Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.


Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.


What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.


I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.


So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 18:56     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.


Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.


Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.


What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.


I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 16:22     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Op here. It was a bridal shower, not wedding shower, sorry I mistyped. I was invited but declined due to baby and not being able to travel easily. I sent the bride a card with some kind words and printed a poem on fancy stationery since they asked people to bring a poem or song or reading about love to the shower that they assembled into a book for the bride. I had only met the bride once and didn't know the shower host so I sent my poem via the groom's mother.

I guess it might have been around the same time as the shower that my husband sent the gift from the registry. He filled out all our family names on the gift message, and the store should have flagged him and the buyer, but the thank you card for that gift was made out only to me, now that I think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to learn that while we may have missed the cultural etiquette on the card box, it's still not polite to be tracked down this way. It was the fanciest wedding I've ever attended, so it did strike me a little bit like they might be trying to recoup costs, but I'll try to read it in the best possible light, "bless her heart."
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 14:42     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.


Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.


Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.


What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2022 14:28     Subject: Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.


Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.


Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.


I’m a southern wasp and I can tell you that in my culture:

1) it’s considered very rude to bring a gift to a wedding because then someone has to deal with carrying it home. You are supposed to send it in advance

And 2) it’s considered very tacky to give cash or a check

I’m confused by op’s post though.

Op, did you attend a shower? If you attend a shower, you should give a gift at the shower and then also send a gift in advance or within a year of the wedding date.

I think it was strange of the mom to text you.

There is no obligation to give a gift.


I think in traditional etiquette there is actually an obligation to give a gift if you are the guest; HOWEVER, traditional etiquette would also say that the newlyweds are NOT to expect gifts. All this being said, the MOB reaching out is gross in any etiquette standards.


No, wedding gifts technically aren't mandatory, because they're gifts. They are expected as a matter of custom and it will be noticed if you don't give one - but they are not mandatory.

https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-gift-etiquette-cover-plate-rule

Invitations are not invoices.

Contrary to what people might tell you about wedding gift etiquette, you are not required to give a gift to every single wedding you are invited to—especially if you’re not attending. “Just because you were invited to an event, you are not obligated to give a gift,” says Smith. “Gifts are given as a token of your warm wishes and should be given as such.” That being said, if you do choose to attend the wedding, or are particularly close with the couple, a gift is most certainly expected.

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/wedding-gift-etiquette

https://www.marthastewart.com/7922621/attending-wedding-without-giving-a-gift