Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A happy, functional, socially involved, financially secure family life.

Parents in good and functional marriage with no addiction, abuse or adultery

Kids in rigorous academic programs with EC and service commitments. Kids with outside enrichment and academic support..

Be present for your kids and be clued in about their day to day life.

Keep an eye on the company they keep.

Keep them off social media.

Keep an eye on your kids - their physical and mental health, their spendings. Their digital footprint etc.

Nope. I had/did all the above (except for social media), and I still tried drugs, got drunk and had sex.

Look at the list again. It is a parental fail.

Anonymous wrote:Family life, emotional well being and friend groups.

Yes! And avoiding trauma if you can, like divorce, negligent parenting, frequent moves, etc.

Anonymous wrote:A happy, functional, socially involved, financially secure family life.

Parents in good and functional marriage with no addiction, abuse or adultery

Kids in rigorous academic programs with EC and service commitments. Kids with outside enrichment and academic support..

Be present for your kids and be clued in about their day to day life.

Keep an eye on the company they keep.

Keep them off social media.

Keep an eye on your kids - their physical and mental health, their spendings. Their digital footprint etc.

This. Though my kids have been on social media for a couple of years. But we monitor their use and talk to them all the time about the manipulators out there. One of our main parenting messages since they were young has been: there are a lot of stupid and evil people out there who do stupid and evil shit, use your brain to do the right thing and you will protect your health and be a better person.

Anonymous wrote:There seems to be this idea that all kids want to experiment or even want to. It's entirely possible that kids won't experiment without any parental involvement.

+1 I had plenty of opportunity, but no interest. I did not lose friends over it, and they weren't jerks about pressuring me once I made it clear I didn't want to. But I am a rule follower by nature.

I recommend that everyone read "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff.

Early initiation of drinking (teen) is associated with problem drinking later in life. I’m in the camp of keeping them away from it as long as possible. I know many who did not drink in high school and continued that through college.

I don’t care about drinking as long as they’re not driving. I do care about marijuana with the potent stuff being ubiquitous these days.

I think it's sending the wrong message to play along with the immature black and white drinking of kids. It isn't smart to make them think that dad is wasted because he had some beer hours earlier because who can live up to that standard? There's a huge difference between that and have 5 cocktails from 7-10 and then driving home. Kids need to be taught the difference. You don't have to be a teetotaler in order to avoid killing somebody on the road and it's ridiculous to make that the standard. It's akin to telling your kid they shouldn't have sex till they're married and at the same time telling them they should wait till they're at least 25 to get married. Never gonna happen.

My kids are a little younger but dh and I got in a disagreement on this. For me, I decided a long time ago that I would not drink if I was going to be the driver. It seems to easy to misjudge how I'm doing and sometimes I don't feel anything after a couple of drinks and sometimes half a glass of wine hits me. But dh who weighs 100 pounds more than me, is okay having a drink or two early in a gathering, then eat a meal, then drive home.

As someone said up thread, kids see things in black and white. I think it's hard for them to fully comprehend the nuance. Our nine year old even said coming home from a BBQ where we left at 7pm and dh had one beer when we arrived around 2:30 pm, "mommy's going to drive, right, because dad had a beer." And dh wanted to go on and on about BAC and time and metabolism and how he's fine, and I just wanted to say, "yep, I'm driving." I mean we could have a bigger conversation later on, but I don't know too many new teen drivers who I would trust to make good judgements. So much clearer to have a solid line for when you drink, you don't drive, even if you feel fine. And you can call home and get a ride at any hour, which, huh, I guess means that either dh or I are designated back up driver when the kids are out once we get to that stage.

Anonymous wrote:A happy, functional, socially involved, financially secure family life.

Parents in good and functional marriage with no addiction, abuse or adultery

Kids in rigorous academic programs with EC and service commitments. Kids with outside enrichment and academic support..

Be present for your kids and be clued in about their day to day life.

Keep an eye on the company they keep.

Keep them off social media.

Keep an eye on your kids - their physical and mental health, their spendings. Their digital footprint etc.

Nope. I had/did all the above (except for social media), and I still tried drugs, got drunk and had sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Statistically what is most likely to keep your teenager from destructive behavior?

My twins are 11 and will be in Jr. High next year. I know that everything can start at this age and I want to prepare my kids.

I’m not a scare tactic type parent. I want to arm them with facts and tools. I know I experimented with drugs, alcohol and sex in HS but things are so different now. I’m worried.

I’ll just say that I don’t think safe experience with drugs, smoking or alcohol = destructive behavior.
But what safe experiences and experimentation looks like will absolutely vary kid by kid, family by family.

I agree with you. My goal for my kids as teens was decidedly not that they never touch the stuff. My goal was that they be safe. I think the kid who never has a drop of alcohol touch their lips until they get to college is really at risk for all sorts of problems. I realize that may be an unpopular opinion on this board but that is how I thought about it. So far so good. My kid who is in college is very comfortable with light to moderate social drinking, knows her limits, doesn’t like to feel out of control and so really stays away from getting wasted. She was just telling me the other day she’s excited to turn 21 in a few months so she can “order a nice glass of wine at a restaurant.“ We talked a lot about safety and alcohol use when she was in high school. Obviously we didn’t allow other kids to drink at our house. But I was also clear that I would pick her up anywhere any time, she would never be punished for being truthful about party she was at. And absolutely positively no driving under the influence.

Anonymous wrote:Statistically what is most likely to keep your teenager from destructive behavior?

My twins are 11 and will be in Jr. High next year. I know that everything can start at this age and I want to prepare my kids.

I’m not a scare tactic type parent. I want to arm them with facts and tools. I know I experimented with drugs, alcohol and sex in HS but things are so different now. I’m worried.

I’ll just say that I don’t think safe experience with drugs, smoking or alcohol = destructive behavior.
But what safe experiences and experimentation looks like will absolutely vary kid by kid, family by family.

Anonymous wrote:Groups at our school that party:
-boys’ teams: lacrosse, soccer, football, baseball
-girls’ teams: field hockey, soccer, lacrosse, cheer, fall drill team
-marching band

Groups at our school that don’t:
-swimming
-rowing
-winter competitive dance
-track/cross-country (except for sprinters and throwers, my kid says)
-theater
-orchestra

Some of these vary in every town, some are consistent. One of my children is in a non-school sport that consumes all of her time. I’m always curious if the girls from her team who are recruited for college drink or use drugs once they get to college. They certainly don’t have time now. Another kid did a sport that has a lot of high school partying and switched sports after freshman year because he felt isolated from the team culture.

My son plays both school and Club and says there are no parties with Club sports but those are the same kids that party with at the school. Just not with their Club friends.

You are also forgetting the kids on the stands. I've seen girls leaving football games drunk. I reported it to the school but they didn't do much...

There seems to be this idea that all kids want to experiment or even want to. It's entirely possible that kids won't experiment without any parental involvement.

Groups at our school that party:
-boys’ teams: lacrosse, soccer, football, baseball
-girls’ teams: field hockey, soccer, lacrosse, cheer, fall drill team
-marching band

Groups at our school that don’t:
-swimming
-rowing
-winter competitive dance
-track/cross-country (except for sprinters and throwers, my kid says)
-theater
-orchestra

Some of these vary in every town, some are consistent. One of my children is in a non-school sport that consumes all of her time. I’m always curious if the girls from her team who are recruited for college drink or use drugs once they get to college. They certainly don’t have time now. Another kid did a sport that has a lot of high school partying and switched sports after freshman year because he felt isolated from the team culture.