Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

The most "normal" response to abuse that you describe is to try find a higher paying job, a new place to live, to move out from the abuser. It's not cheating. Cheating means you tried to solve your marital problems at the expense of your own time, your kids well-being. This is not a good choice. Hope you are now firmly on your feet and doing well

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

I am not that PP. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret. I found out about it from relatives when I was an adult. I have no problem at all with her decision. She had been badly hurt and was trying to protect us from additional hurt.

That our dad was not a good person became abundantly obvious to us even without mom telling us he was a cheater. A man can't hide his character from his kids by acting like "the fun parent". Not forever, anyway. And my dad didn't even try very hard - he very quickly moved on to his next family that he had with his AP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

The problem with this approach is that because you didn’t tell them the truth about the cheating, they are unlikely to believe the truth about the abuse. Unless he is abusing them too, in which case they might understand more. People believe truths that are in front of them, and they tend to believe people who have a history of being truthful.

Most of the time the abused wife is the betrayed spouse, suffering in silence. She’s not the one going out and cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

Nah. If they reconciled and parents went on to have a happy marriage, it’s highly unlikely. Most people that reconcile tell nobody except a therapist. You tell one other person and the chance they keep it to themselves is almost zero.

People take this stuff to the grave.

The one person I know whose father confessed when they were middle aged were well adjusted and proud that their parents stuck it out and they had a happy family life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?