It pains me to say this, but I honestly do judge my cousin.

She has overall health issues, but in particular that make pregnancy and carrying to term nearly impossible. She is unable to walk for long distances. Walking up or down a flight of stairs leaves her breathless. She is a combination of unwilling and unable to tolerate the heat (even though she lives in Texas) so she spends the majority of the year inside. I'm talking to the point of- she will not go meet up at a friend or relative's house because "it's too hot to even walk to and from the car."

Knowing all this, she has a biological child. She hired full time outside help to start within hours of the baby's birth. She has never been alone with the baby for more than a few hours. Because of her mobility issues, any time the nanny is not there, she puts the baby into a baby bjorn or swing until the nanny or her husband is available. She has never taken the baby on a stroller walk. Never to a playground, library or mom group. She has never bathed the baby by herself. No exaggerations- she sits on the couch, does home organization, or reads while the nanny raises the baby.

And she is making arrangements for a second.

I find it honestly, appalling. I think it's terribly unfair to the child.

I don’t judge people with a lot of outside help, but I do judge mothers with a lot of outside help who act as though they are doing it all on their own. My one neighbor will say how she has to do so much for her kids by herself, but she doesn’t mention that she gets unlimited childcare from her MIL, and that they in-laws help out when the kids get sick, her weekend away from the kids once a month. Get as much help as you need, but don’t lie about to appear as though you are super-mom.

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who hired a night nanny 7 nights a week for six months. Plus a full time day nanny. She doesn’t work or volunteer. I did have a “huh” reaction to that.

I think she is scared of being alone with the baby. She also brings the nanny when they take family vacations.

I also have a friend who did that. Apparently there were severe mental health issues and she was not to be left alone with the baby. We became close a couple of years after that, so I don't know any more details, but there is that. BTW, by the time I got to know her, she was absolutely stable, and you'd never guess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I distanced myself from a friend who had a baby on purpose and then became a stay at home mom and started hiring childcare 3x a week almost immediately.

Lol she’s better off without your friendship if that is what it takes to distance yourself. You would probably have become a green eye monster when she starts affording other privileges like sending her kids to private school or taking nice vacations.

Nope, try again. I know the narrative is that if you have money and someone disagrees with your choices they are jealous but in this case I just don’t respect someone who doesn’t like their kid that much. Not the kind of person I want to be close friends with. I am pleased with my childcare situation and my family life.

No, not at all.

I have two masters degrees in Early Childhood Education and Child Psychology as well as fifteen years as a preschool teacher. Who better than me to stay home with my own children? With one child it was great but with two kids someone is always getting short-changed. My kids are now 4 and 2. I totally understand and accept all the benefits of the children having a sibling but if I could afford it I would definitely hire someone part time to play or teach one while I have the other. My older child is now in preschool and my time with him is always divided. I would definitely hire someone to watch my 2 yr old so I could have time to teach and play with my 4 yr old.

A little but not a lot. I am sure they judge me too for other things in my life.

Anonymous wrote:Not harshly, but a bit in some cases yes. My MIL had a nanny for each child, plus cooking and cleaning help, and didn’t work. She went to mass, went to the market and visited her mother daily.

Another time and another class from me. She was sweet but very nervous and pretty boring with not many interests. I can’t help but wonder if she would have been mentally healthier if she’d had more responsibility.

This is sad to me. Was she pressured into marriage? Seems she may have been happier as a nun

I only roll my eyes if they start talking about how easy everything is and don't understand why other moms say it's so hard

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who hired a night nanny 7 nights a week for six months. Plus a full time day nanny. She doesn’t work or volunteer. I did have a “huh” reaction to that.

I think she is scared of being alone with the baby. She also brings the nanny when they take family vacations.

Was that the only kid? If not - you could definitely be talking about me and I’m happy to answer any Qs!

Who the eff is so arrogant as to think their parenting choices are "unassailable" lmao...

I have a friend who hired a night nanny 7 nights a week for six months. Plus a full time day nanny. She doesn’t work or volunteer. I did have a “huh” reaction to that.

I think she is scared of being alone with the baby. She also brings the nanny when they take family vacations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Sorry you feel judged, but I actually agree with this sentiment. My mother (who took early retirement well before I had children) stayed with us during our first 6 months of nanny care until the nanny became like family and I trusted her completely. I would not have wanted to leave DB alone with a stranger. Daycare even worse option.

It’s always amazing to me how people are willing to just demonstrate what awful parents they are on this site. Judgmental parents like you are terrible parents.

I know you’d like to think that. In reality we are just happier parents because we are more confident with our decisions. They are largely unassailable.

Btw, I would never actually tell someone they were making the wrong decision. I just think it internally. I don’t care to make people feel bad. So you would never actually know I feel this way, unless you were my my mother/sister/close friend who already shares the same view.

I don’t like to think that. I know that. More importantly, your kids know it. Your kids know you judge people. They know you are a rigid thinker. And as a result, they know you can’t be trusted. Judgmental parents have shallow, transactional relationships with their kids. Kids of judgmental parents know that their parents will judge them too, and as a result do not develop well-attached relationships during the teen years in particular.

I do agree you are probably happier parents who believe their decisions are unassailable. Narcissistic parents, which highly judgmental parents are, do tend to be happy, or at least cluelessly confident. The lack of self-awareness translates into a sort of confidence.

I was a SAHM, by the way. This isn’t defensiveness on my part. But over the years I have seen a 1:1 correlation between bad parenting and people who would say things like you did, even if just in private.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I distanced myself from a friend who had a baby on purpose and then became a stay at home mom and started hiring childcare 3x a week almost immediately.

Lol she’s better off without your friendship if that is what it takes to distance yourself. You would probably have become a green eye monster when she starts affording other privileges like sending her kids to private school or taking nice vacations.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Forego social security? Why? Once you reach full SS age, which is around 67 for most people right now, you can earn as much as you want without reduced SS benefits.

Also, just because a grandma watches a kid doesn't mean she doesn't want to or isn't good at it. Do you have a problem with the idea that someone wants their kid cared for by someone who loves them? I don't understand why you felt it necessary to go into attack mode with this other mom. You were "livid"? I guess you took her statement as an attack on your childcare arrangement so of course it was critical to attack back. That's how mommy discussions become mommy wars.

The grandma was in her mid 50s, I happened to know that for a fact.

Okay, well people in their mid 50s can't get SS so what are you talking about?

You do understand how the amount of Social Security you receive is based on the income you make during your working years, right? Like, you know, your 50s? Do you really think the PP was issuing her mother a 1040 for her services?

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I distanced myself from a friend who had a baby on purpose and then became a stay at home mom and started hiring childcare 3x a week almost immediately.

Lol she’s better off without your friendship if that is what it takes to distance yourself. You would probably have become a green eye monster when she starts affording other privileges like sending her kids to private school or taking nice vacations.