Three years? And I'd bet she wasn't the only one.

Kick him out.

Anonymous wrote:"Never contact me again. I hope you seek the therapy you so desperately need for trying to harm a family with three children."

Ugh, this comes across as pathetic & weak.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

This site is the worst. PPs, you are psychos to hurt OP like this.

OP, I’m not in the all cheaters are awful camp , so I’ll get roasted here too but consider that we are all human, we make mistakes, and sometimes we fall in love with people we shouldn’t . (That said, she sounds really awful.)

PS No, I’ve neither cheated nor been cheated on but I have been tempted and found it a very difficult time. I hope I would have compassion for my DH if he found himself in a similar situation and gave into temptation.

DP. While this post is trying to approach OP's situation with kind thoughtfulness, PP, and you mean well, and I'm really not here to roast you at all -- I do want to note that it's inaccurate to compare her DH's three-year affair with someone merely "giving in to temptation."

A one night stand could be called "giving in to temptation." A three-year affair, with carefully planned rendezvous on the DH's work trips out of town--surely requiring some serious advance planning and logistics between him and the other woman--is absolutely not a momentary caving to temptation. It doesn't deserve OP's compassion. It's a devastating revelation that the DH was willing to put in a great deal of effort to create another life, one dismissing the existence of his wife, his children and his marriage. He didn't fall into bed with this other woman once or even twice. He created a sustained relationship with her.

Would you truly feel compassion for your DH if he carried on an affair for years, one which required him to make choices and plans to keep it going? I wouldn't.

OP's DH didn't "find himself" in a "situation." He created a situation of his own volition.

PP here. I have more understanding for an emotional connection than just a convenient roll in the hay.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Grow up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. He can be an ahole and she can be a B_____ at the same time. She's worse than the husband anyway. To make HIM suffer she threw an innocent woman under the bus. Not cool.

WTF?! Would you rather not know your husband was betraying you for three years?!

Whatever the other woman’s motives, it is a blessing she spilled the beans. OP can get honesty back in her life, on her terms.

This is true. And at the end of the day it still comes down to e DH she would not have been able to do anything if he had kept it in his pants

While I obviously would be super devastated to find this out about my “so-called” Dear Hubby, I would be grateful to know that I knew.

Information such as this would allow me a chance to take a step back & look at my entire marriage w/a new clarity.

While I would be sure that the former AP would be telling me the truth, I also would want to see my husband’s reaction + explanation as well.

And while I would only have pure contempt for this OW > I would be grateful that someone (even her!!) gave me this information at what a rat my husband truly is….

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

This is just bad advice here.

While I agree it is wise to make a plan regarding finances + other stuff - to live w/a cheater until OP’s youngest child goes off to college is just not right.

Life is to be relished.
Every single day.

So many people do not get the opportunity to wake up every morning like we all do.
It is a huge blessing to have the ability to do so & should NEVER be taken for granted.

To intentionally set yourself up for yrs of misery is just a travesty in my opinion.
Telling yourself that you will stay w/a cheating spouse over the next few yrs is just wasting your life away.

We only get one shot at this you know.
It is not to be squandered away like a bad purchase.

While I think you DO need a plan moving forward > resolving to live w/a dirty rotten cheater for the next few yrs or so will be hell.
I promise you that. 😡😡😡

Anonymous wrote:Wait,is the other woman married? If so, call her husband, neighbors and co-workers.

Are you 12?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would text her back with one word - “proof?”

See what she shares with you.

If she sends more simply accept and then watch your DH carefully in all dimensions - mood, behavior with you, comings and goings, bank account, email and phone if you have access to them, computer history, cell phone bill, credit card bill, car tracker (simply leave some belonging of yours in the trunk with a tile or tag, etc.

Meanwhile, get yourself into individual therapy with someone who doesn’t try to make you the crazy person.

Also see an attorney and learn how to prepare & what custody, child support & asset split would look like.

Ultimately, your DH will either confess on his own or you will have to confront him at a time of your choosing.

IME, the only hope (slim) that your marriage survives is if DH confesses on his own, enters individual therapy of his own volition and is remorseful and makes amends. Even if that is the case he should be willing to sign a favorable (to you) post-nup as the price of continued marriage.

Meanwhile, do a 180 and engage politely but minimally with him.

Finally, FWIW, you will have to decide what to do about sex between the 2 of you. IME, non-consenual non-monogamous sex felt like a form of rape to me. Ultimately, I could not establish a safe-for-me environment for sex, and so I ended the relationship.

She is terrible for engaging with him, but he is equally terrible. I say that as someone whose HS boyfriend periodically makes overtures to some kind of more sexual relationship. It’s not that hard to keep saying no if you know what kind of person you want to be.

It is actually a good idea to ask the AP for proof (pictures of them together, emails etc). OP may need it for future divorce proceedings and she will be off the hook for snooping after him. Kudos!

Not a bad idea. Could play dumb and reply simply "I don't believe you" to bait her into proving it.

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you must speak to your husband about this and get the full story. How did this start? And why - was your marriage troubled? If so, can it be fixed? He ended the relationship - what made him end it? Was he remorseful and just wanted to go back to having a normal relationship with you? Was she married too and did she somehow think they'd end up together? If so, what made her think that.

There is a lot to unpack in this situation. You need details (whether you want them or not) so you can fully process what happened and make decisions on where to go from here.

I have been in your shoes and when I found out, I immediately felt as though it was me and I had done something to cause this. As it turns out, my husband had some serious emotional issues that made him vulnerable to an affair. In my case, the AP pursued him and he said it made him feel better about himself at a time he wasn't particularly happy. This is definitely not an excuse, and he did not get a pass, but it helped me understand that what happened to our marriage was on him, not me.

They lie. Period. She'll never get the full story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

This, above, is horrible advice from someone who has zero idea about the rest of OP's marriage and whether or not the DH is "otherwise" good.

This advice also is totally contradictory because the PP says: "Do not confront him openly"

But then also says: "...if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship..."

So how does the OP know if her husband wants to "reconcile" and put in any work, if the OP is NOT supposed to tell him that she knows he had an affair? Totally contradictory advice. And this PP also advises OP to keep information "locked in your drawer" and say and do nothing else untll the last of the THREE kids has left for college. For all we know, that could be another decade or more. Why should OP have to sit there, eaten up by this knowledge, for years on end? No, she needs to do what the PP above at 12:03 says.

OP, please, go back and re-read the advice posted at 12:03 by "been there, done that" poster. Collect information and get outside help (therapist, lawyer, bank etc.) to get yourself together for a decision. That does NOT mean you then lock all that information away and bide your time for years while the kids grow up. It does, though, mean that you take your time. And yes, you will be at a point very soon where you will confront your husband. If you do not, well, even if he broke things off with this AP, his having cheated with her makes it likelier that he will cheat again, especially if you do not SAY anything at all or tell him you know.

You totally misread my advice (or maybe it wasn't worded together). What I meant under "not confronting" is lawyering up and initiating a divorce on a spot. Of course OP needs to talk to him, each of them attend couples counseling and work through the issues in their marriage. He's not trustworthy so it would be good for OP to have a hidden drawer somewhere with cash and all financial information ready for action: his pension appraisal, a good estimate of home equities, all bank statements etc. Just do not discuss with him now.

IMO there's nothing to work through with this type of affair. He'll never let AP go and OP will be wondering from here on out if they're still in an affair if she decides to stay.

Anonymous wrote:"Never contact me again. I hope you seek the therapy you so desperately need for trying to harm a family with three children."

Nah. Cuss that ho out and him too. Then make an exit plan. Three years?? And with an ex?? This is a deeply emotional/physical affair. Eff 'em both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This post has some good advice in it. The bold is NOT among the good advice. OP should not descend to the AP's low, low level. Plus: The effort OP would spend on finding out how to tell the AP's husband is effort OP should be spending on other things like talking to a lawyer and a therapist and doing the self-care the PP rightly advocates.

Also, OP, you do not owe this PP, or any of us here, any further details about the other woman or her marriage etc. At all. Nope.

I do agree strongly that you should get tested for STDs immediately. Your DH can be remorseful as hell but viruses don't care about his remorse. And some STDs have virtually no symptoms for years, so it's impossible to know if one has them based on how one feels. Sadly, you need STD testing, at a minimum to rule them out so you can move on with that concern off your plate.

You're responding to me and it's definitely a nuanced ethical consideration. I don't know that it's "stooping" to do something when it's sharing vital information that is being purposely kept from someone. But it's certainly not a black/white issue when it comes to who should disclose. Ideally, OW would tell her husband on her own. EVEN MORE IDEALLY, there'd be no affair to tell about, amirite? It's not an ideal situation so we're trying to do the least harm. Maybe that would be having the DH tell the OW she needs to tell her husband. IDK. That might reduce ongoing harm to the other betrayed spouse at the expense of OP. Would that be worth saving OP from the "stooping"?

I'm not a cruel person and I felt oddly protective of the OW's privacy after discovery, so my advice was not coming from a place of pot stirring or meddling. It was simply that as a BS, I am very defensive of my right to know the important facts of my life as soon as humanly possible. I have always felt that natural consequences were the best revenge . . . play stupid games, win stupid prizes and all that. Having your spouse find out you've cheated on him after you went Bunny Boiler on your affair partner is a very natural consequence to your actual choices, just like your wife being blindsided by your crazy AP is a natural consequence of OP's husband cheating. They chose to enmesh their spouses with these other people, and that's on them. How those victimized spouses choose to deal with/end that enmeshment is something they don't have to answer to anyone for.

I might be swayed more to your POV if the OW hadn't sought out the OP here. It's hard to argue that the person who happily entered a love triangle with OP's husband and then told OP about it seeking revenge, or maybe a freed-up DH, has some sort of right to expect OP to keep that love triangle a secret. She pushed that boulder down a hill herself. IMO it would be a kindness to give OW's hypothetical partner a heads up to jump out of the way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. He can be an ahole and she can be a B_____ at the same time. She's worse than the husband anyway. To make HIM suffer she threw an innocent woman under the bus. Not cool.

WTF?! Would you rather not know your husband was betraying you for three years?!

Whatever the other woman’s motives, it is a blessing she spilled the beans. OP can get honesty back in her life, on her terms.

This is true. And at the end of the day it still comes down to e DH she would not have been able to do anything if he had kept it in his pants

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. He can be an ahole and she can be a B_____ at the same time. She's worse than the husband anyway. To make HIM suffer she threw an innocent woman under the bus. Not cool.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

The other woman is absolutely relevant. There would be no affair without her.