^^ knew

My parents asked me for money when they were trying to pay for my much younger sibling's MPhil. They new I'd sold my piano (which they had originally paid for). I gave them the money, it was about $10k.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, and no.

Biology flows downhill.

So does shit apparently. This is the breakdown of society -- people don't even have to care for their own parents. How can they be expected to care about neighbors, community members, fellow Americans?

Pathetic attitude, PP. Truly shocking.

What's so sh*tty about paying it forward?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your parents set you up pretty well in life and you are now looking for reassurance that it's okay to not assist them in their final years. Now maybe you are justified in not helping them -- for example, if you are experiencing financial hardship yourself or they blew all their money gambling. It sounds like you view the relationship as transactional because you are referring to the ideas as "reimbursement."

My parents did not have the means to pay for my education, let alone buy me a house. I make a reasonable salary as a Fed but am certainly not wealthy. But I can't imagine not assisting, within my means, if needed. (And I have.) They never asked, but there have been times where help as needed.

You are not obligated to help, and we don't know your circumstances. But if you are comfortable financially, I can't understand not being there for a parent in need.

What if the OP's mother is over 80 and/or the OP's father is over 75? Shouldn't it be good enough for them that they've lived way longer than most people?

So you want your parents to kill themselves at 75/80? if they don’t commit suicide they should become unhoused if they can’t support themselves? I’m Caribbean we take care of our elders.

If I planned on still being alive on having a high quality life at 75, this would be a really harsh and hypocritical view point for me to have. As it is, I plan on being dead by my 75th birthday.

Please explain your plan to be dead by your 75th birthday. Unless you have a terminal health condition now or intend to commit suicide when you are so elderly at 75, that is an ignorant statement. If you are in your 30s, 40s, or 50s and you think 75 is ancient and life will not be worth living then you are most likely wrong. Did you actually go to college? Just wondering.

I was speaking for myself, not for anyone else. I'm 33 and the human brain is fully developed at 25, meaning that anything I've decided on right now is highly unlikely to change. My brain won't be anymore developed in 42 years than it is now. As for how I plan to die, that's very simple; all I'll have to do is stop staying on top of my health.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your parents set you up pretty well in life and you are now looking for reassurance that it's okay to not assist them in their final years. Now maybe you are justified in not helping them -- for example, if you are experiencing financial hardship yourself or they blew all their money gambling. It sounds like you view the relationship as transactional because you are referring to the ideas as "reimbursement."

My parents did not have the means to pay for my education, let alone buy me a house. I make a reasonable salary as a Fed but am certainly not wealthy. But I can't imagine not assisting, within my means, if needed. (And I have.) They never asked, but there have been times where help as needed.

You are not obligated to help, and we don't know your circumstances. But if you are comfortable financially, I can't understand not being there for a parent in need.

What if the OP's mother is over 80 and/or the OP's father is over 75? Shouldn't it be good enough for them that they've lived way longer than most people?

So you want your parents to kill themselves at 75/80? if they don’t commit suicide they should become unhoused if they can’t support themselves? I’m Caribbean we take care of our elders.

If I planned on still being alive on having a high quality life at 75, this would be a really harsh and hypocritical view point for me to have. As it is, I plan on being dead by my 75th birthday.

Please explain your plan to be dead by your 75th birthday. Unless you have a terminal health condition now or intend to commit suicide when you are so elderly at 75, that is an ignorant statement. If you are in your 30s, 40s, or 50s and you think 75 is ancient and life will not be worth living then you are most likely wrong. Did you actually go to college? Just wondering.

If we have to empty our retirement accounts to pay for an expensive school I would communicate an expectation of getting paid back—treat it like an interest free loan. But I probably wouldn’t do that—I would take out the educational loans before putting us all in that situation. Given how expensive loans are right now, though, maybe my thinking will change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, my mom hasn’t had a job since the day before she got married, while my husband and I both work full time to support our family. How is it fair that we be expected to “reimburse” her when she never even supported herself? I would do it if I had to, but luckily dad made enough money to fund their retirement and take care of her if he passes first.

All to this talk about what kids owe their parents is depressing. If anything I owe my kid everything because I chose to bring him into this world. Your kids are your responsibility not the other way around.

Looks like you don’t even feel you owe your parents love. Your post is depressing. Families help each other among all generations.

Love isn’t about what you owe anyone. So you’re right. I do love them though. That doesn’t mean I owe them financial support in retirement. They have made their own decisions to plan for that and they’ll be fine. As they should have!! My husband I are funding our retirement because we love our son and don’t want him burdened with us when he’s making his own family. Paying for college but failing to save for the future is pretty insane. Maybe it’s a cultural thing.

So... They shouldn't have paid for college so you should pay it back.

They could afford to do both genius. If they’d sacrificed their retirement for me I would feel compelled to help them. They didn’t!

Anonymous wrote:With normal, kind parents sure. With selfish parents who didn’t save at all? No. They are literally taking dollars away from their grandkids. I believe money should flow downhill.

How can the parents be that selfish if they funded a kids college education and graduate school and bought a starter house -That's generous

I think it really depends on the family view of money. I think some families have the view that family helps each other out. Like my parents would loan me money over my getting a private loan because it doesn't make sense to pay interest to some company versus keeping the money in the family. I can totally see parents sacrificing retirement to help their kids with college and expecting reciprocity. Would you rather the parents didn't help at all with college. How much extra wealth do you have because of your parents support and not having to take out private loans? etc.

Of course it's can be a very bad deal for parents because earning potential of kids may be lower than expected and kids may not be in a position to help parents and b) kids are not obligated to help parents so with an informal agreement (like my parents had with may) may get screwed.

As a parent I do prioritize my retirement savings over college savings though - because at the end of the day there are more options for college loans and I never want to be a burden to my daughter. But I do worry I won't be able to help her with college the way my parents helped me. But I will definitely do all I can to help her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your parents set you up pretty well in life and you are now looking for reassurance that it's okay to not assist them in their final years. Now maybe you are justified in not helping them -- for example, if you are experiencing financial hardship yourself or they blew all their money gambling. It sounds like you view the relationship as transactional because you are referring to the ideas as "reimbursement."

My parents did not have the means to pay for my education, let alone buy me a house. I make a reasonable salary as a Fed but am certainly not wealthy. But I can't imagine not assisting, within my means, if needed. (And I have.) They never asked, but there have been times where help as needed.

You are not obligated to help, and we don't know your circumstances. But if you are comfortable financially, I can't understand not being there for a parent in need.

What if the OP's mother is over 80 and/or the OP's father is over 75? Shouldn't it be good enough for them that they've lived way longer than most people?

So you want your parents to kill themselves at 75/80? if they don’t commit suicide they should become unhoused if they can’t support themselves? I’m Caribbean we take care of our elders.

If I planned on still being alive on having a high quality life at 75, this would be a really harsh and hypocritical view point for me to have. As it is, I plan on being dead by my 75th birthday.

That's fine and your choice, but what does that have to do with others' choices and situations? Are you suggesting that people put their parents on ice floes when they reach 75?

Perhaps this quote from Natalie Babbitt's beloved children's book, Tuck Everlasting can explain better than I can. This quote is spoken by Angus Tuck to Winnie Foster.

It's a wheel, Winnie. Everything's a wheel, turning and turning, never stopping. The frogs is part of it, and the bugs, and the fish, and the wood thrush, too. And people. But never the same ones. Always coming in new, always growing and changing, and always moving on. That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way it is.

...

And everywhere around us, things is moving and growing and changing. You, for instance. A child now, but someday a woman. And after that, moving on to make room for the new children.