Yes, some SAHMs judge WOHMs. But the reverse is also true. When I see this happen, I always assume that whoever is doing the judging is speaking out of insecurity and I have empathy for them, because our culture expects moms to somehow be SAHMs and WOHMs at the same time and it's no wonder so many of us feel insecure about our choices.

Anyway, to answer your question OP, I work for a bunch of reasons. The biggest is that my family needs the money -- my income is essential to our financial well being. But it's also at least partly because I just like it -- I like using my brain in the ways my work requires, and I like the feedback loop and rewards of work, which are different from those I get from being a mom. I think some of this is that our culture does tend to elevate paid work above care work, so I'm getting a kind of validation from doing paid work that I cannot get from parenting. So much of what I do as a mom is taken for granted or even derided as unimportant or useless. At work, everyone takes what we're doing seriously and what I do sounds complicated and impressive (sometimes it is, sometimes a lot less than it seems) and it makes me feel good to be seen as smart and competent and worthwhile for that.

Another reason is that once my kid started school (and I'm one and done) I would have felt pretty guilty not working. I guess if we were independently wealthy, I wouldn't choose to do the job I do. I'd get some job I was passionate about that paid no money. Maybe writing novels no one reads or becoming a museum docent or something. That sounds awesome. But I'd still do something beyond just mothering, because a child over the age of 5 does not need me to sit at home and wait for her to get home from school. And I'd be bored AF doing that.

I did stay home for several years when my kid was a baby/toddler and I loved that and have zero regrets. I felt pretty lucky that we managed to find a way to make that happen financially and I wish more women who wanted to do it could. But I don't think anyone HAS to do it or that it's the only way to be a good mom. I surprisingly enjoyed the whole breastfeeding/diapers/tummy time/story time/etc. era but I can see why it's not for everyone and that's more than okay.

Anonymous wrote:It never once occurred to me not to. I’ve always worked from home in a creative field and have a fantastic nanny with her degree in Early Childhood Education. Nanny is better at the arts and crafts, teaching, running playgroups, teaching music and French, than I could ever be. And I got to breastfeed my kids for as long as they wanted. DH is a great dad and an equal partner in everything.

It would be a detriment to my children if I quit my career.

Are you the writer? You seriously have my dream life!

Well, life is expensive and unpredictable, for one. But I also work for my mental health. My youngest has special needs and the early years in school were rough as we got on the path to an IEP and the right mix of therapies. Work has been an amazing, wonderful distraction on some really hard days. Sometimes I feel like I can do nothing right in my personal life and then have an amazing day at work and that is such a good feeling, to feel like I have a purpose and am good at something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God forbid your spouse might pass. What will you do?

My husband has a $5m life insurance policy.

We also have about $10m in savings.

Yea. That’s the norm. 🤪

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like working and honestly to me being at home with my kid all day isn’t appealing. And I believe that the socialization at daycare is important.

At what age do you believe daycare is a good thing?

No later than 3, preferably 2.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heart Surgeon Mommy pops up on every one of these threads to remind us all of how important she is. It's a little weird, and a little sad, I must say.

I think she’s symbolic. It is a powerful reminder when we vehemently debate this issue how many working women our children depend on. Too many SAHMs are so judgmental about WOHMs but still depend on their female doctors, dentists, therapists, children’s teachers, nurses, grocery store clerks, farmers, etc.

We do not live in a society where mothers can not participate.

This is so true!

Anonymous wrote:I have been a working mom. but I've also stayed at home after losing a job -- ok after different layoffs. My kids are now nearly 10 and 13. The times I wasn't working I was definitely depressed and feeling desperate. We don;t make much but thanks to family are in a financially secure position so it was never about the money. I am so grateful I landed my current job at 45 after a year of not working. My happiness is back. My sense of purpose. My self care and looks are back. My kids see me more confident and busy working on a job I care about. THey are great kids and I love spending nearly all my free time with them. When they were young, it was sometimes tough to balance work and family -- I had my mom's help at times and also daycare and a supportive husband. But working in my experience has been much better than staying at home.

Deciding to stay home with your kids is very different than being unemployed.

Anonymous wrote:God forbid your spouse might pass. What will you do?

My husband has a $5m life insurance policy.

We also have about $10m in savings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The term working mom is archaic and needs to go. No one calls fathers w/ jobs working dads. My husband is a stay at home parent so one of us needs to work. I had better earning potential when we had children and he wanted to step back. It has worked well for us but is very hard for some strangers to handle - particularly at school events when the other mom's constantly mention that they see my husband all the time but don't see me as often - shocker how often are their husbands there?

Totally agree 'working mom' is misogynistic.

DH and I both WFH part time. We are a partnership and totally interchangeable. We also had a nanny until the youngest was 6 so we could both attend school events and activities for the older ones. Kids are in private and we are both shocked at the low paternal participation. Moms on the other hand are a bit too cliquey for me to fully engage, although I do participate. People often ask if we work because we are both involved.

OP - I work because I didn't get a PhD to clean vomit and snot. I got it because I love my field. DH is the same. It's possible to want and get all that life has to offer - great spouse, fulfilling career, wonderful kids, good health, etc. I'm raising my kids to do the same.

You sound insufferable. As for your PhD, I suspect that heart surgeon's contribution to society is more useful.

Really? She sounds wealthy, successful and happy to me.

Doesn't mean the heart surgeon's profession isn't more useful to society.

NP here. So it’s a contest? What if the PhD is working on a cure for cancer? Then who is more useful?! Stupid discussion!! Stop!

I have been a working mom. but I've also stayed at home after losing a job -- ok after different layoffs. My kids are now nearly 10 and 13. The times I wasn't working I was definitely depressed and feeling desperate. We don;t make much but thanks to family are in a financially secure position so it was never about the money. I am so grateful I landed my current job at 45 after a year of not working. My happiness is back. My sense of purpose. My self care and looks are back. My kids see me more confident and busy working on a job I care about. THey are great kids and I love spending nearly all my free time with them. When they were young, it was sometimes tough to balance work and family -- I had my mom's help at times and also daycare and a supportive husband. But working in my experience has been much better than staying at home.

Anonymous wrote:I like working and honestly to me being at home with my kid all day isn’t appealing. And I believe that the socialization at daycare is important.

At what age do you believe daycare is a good thing?

Women have choices. Men have obligations.

God forbid your spouse might pass. What will you do?

Because college/education is damn expensive. Get your head out of the sand.

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t make enough for me not to work. Otherwise, I would love staying home and raising my kids.

Same here, as simple as it is. My husband retired early due to health and I had to work.