Anonymous wrote:The one in which both parents are happy and it works for their family. There is no "ideal."

My spouse has a decent income but lots of flexibility. I SAH. He'd gladly SAH if I had the earning potential. No hired help ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So I'll add:

E. One parent with flexible FT job, one parent with PT work or self-employment, enough money to hire help when needed, splitting household duties 50/50 but childcare more like 70/30 to accommodate the fact that one parent wants to work a bit more and the other parent wants to spend more time with kids.

That's where we are at and it's perfect.

This is DH and I too. I have a flexible job, he is self-employed so can be available when needed during the work day. But we also have family in the area who are willing to help with childcare so maybe we are option F.
I think D sounds terrible (why even have kids) but I've seen B and C work well for other families. But for option B to work, I think you have to have a parent who really wants to SAH and another who stands behind that decision. I've seen that create a lot of issues for friends in that scenario.

+1

B. only works if both partners are enthusiastic about the arrangement. I've seen people on DCUM argue that this is never the case, but I've absolutely seen it. Part of it is that in these families, the work of the SAHM has to be valued *equally* to the earning spouse. I think a lot of people with misogynist ideas about care work, or just people with big egos, struggle with the idea that a SAHP could be working as hard and doing work as vital as whatever demanding, high-paying job the earning spouse is doing. But when people do view them equally, this can be a great set up where both partners really get what they want and the kids needs are served really well.

But of course, mutual respect is important to any of these arrangements. I actually think that C is where it is hardest because when both parents are working it's really easy to compare their jobs and I often see the parent with the flexible job winding up feeling relegated or undervalued, and since they are generally doing a lot more at home (even with outsourcing) this leads to a lot of resentment. Especially because historically, being the parent with the flexible job also meant being the parent with limited to no career advancement opportunities. This can get very ugly when the kids get older and this parent feels they have sacrificed their career for the family and their reward is to keep working in a dull career with limited potential. It can be salvaged with a return to school or a shift, but sometimes the resentment overwhelms the marriage.

I have also seen problems in B. or C. if the high earning spouse stagnates in their career and burns out, starts getting passed over, or gets laid off. This can be incredibly stressful all around. We talk a lot on these boards about what it is to be a SAHM or a working mom and the inherent stresses and unfairnesses to these arrangements. But we should talk more about the pressure of being the only or primary breadwinner and how some people get forced into this role, or think it's what the want when young and realize they don't anymore, and how that can cause problems if the other spouse was banking on their income enabling the family set up she wanted (it's usually she). Demanding jobs are... demanding. Not everyone wants one.

And I think that's why you see a lot of love for A in this thread, because I think it is a way of hedging bets. No one totally gives up their career. No one shoulders the financial burden alone. No one shoulders the parenting burden alone. The allure of an egalitarian marriage is pretty obvious, even when it means having less money than other options.

Anonymous wrote:B or C

Personally, we are B (one high earner, one SAHP) but my husband also helps out 50-50 because he is a good father and husband.

So to me, that feels like the best of both worlds. I have a hobby job that I turned into a side hustle just for something to do. It occasionally makes money but since it is only occasionally, I don't really consider it a job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B or C

Personally, we are B (one high earner, one SAHP) but my husband also helps out 50-50 because he is a good father and husband.

So to me, that feels like the best of both worlds. I have a hobby job that I turned into a side hustle just for something to do. It occasionally makes money but since it is only occasionally, I don't really consider it a job.

So what do you bring to the table then?

Anonymous wrote:B or C

Personally, we are B (one high earner, one SAHP) but my husband also helps out 50-50 because he is a good father and husband.

So to me, that feels like the best of both worlds. I have a hobby job that I turned into a side hustle just for something to do. It occasionally makes money but since it is only occasionally, I don't really consider it a job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

A. Both parents work flexible jobs and share parenting duties roughly 50-50

B. One high earner and one stay at home parent. Stay at home parent can outsource as needed

C. One big career and one flexible job. Have full time help.

D. Two big careers with high quality nanny plus full time housekeeper

Dh and I could be any of these categories. We are currently B. I feel like D gets the most respect.

A few comments.

A. It’s not shared duties. It’s shared bonding. The problem with B and C is one parent misses out on raising their child.
B and C. You need to understand the value of missing a child’s life = the value of caring for a child. One gives up a career one gives up being a full parent. Nobody’s sacrificing more. If a divorce ensues one person gave up money the other gave up being a fully bonded parent.
D if you can ensure both parents are binding in some way because the outsourcing allows you tons of time to bond great but often you just give that up.

I do see parents who work a ton miss out on their kids’ lives. But that’s not everyone. My husband works a lot but most of his spare time is spent with his kids. They never feel like they’re missing out on a relationship with their dad.

The problem is that it’s hard to tell how somebody will be with their kids before they have kids.

And I think that's why you see a lot of love for A in this thread, because I think it is a way of hedging bets. No one totally gives up their career. No one shoulders the financial burden alone. No one shoulders the parenting burden alone. The allure of an egalitarian marriage is pretty obvious, even when it means having less money than other options.