Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

I’m not the Op. But… “equally” honoring my in laws, who I met as an adult and see a couple of times a year, to my mom and dad, who raised and cared for and loved me? That is an insane expectation. It should be their son who ensures they are honored.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I do these things because I want to, not because it's some kind of burden. Maybe next time don't marry into a family where any of this feels like a burden?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Where is your diatribe for OP’s husband? You know, the one who hasn’t prioritized his family from the get-go?

The real issue here seems to be the example OP and her husband are setting for their own kids. If the father doesn't have the decency to care for his own mom, what does he expect will happen when his kids grow up? What does OP expect will happen?

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I do these things because I want to, not because it's some kind of burden. Maybe next time don't marry into a family where any of this feels like a burden?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Where is your diatribe for OP’s husband? You know, the one who hasn’t prioritized his family from the get-go?

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

I propose we stop with this whole “his family IS your family” stuff, too. You know what? I have a family, and while I like my ILs and am especially friendly with my SIL, I didn’t meet any of them until I was 29. By then I was a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc. DH and I have basically adopted the best of each other’s traditions and family connections and family expectations, and leave the rest. So no, I will not be going on every camping trip with my ILs, because I don’t like camping, but I do love their holiday traditions. I do not need to be close or make an effort with DH’s particularly weird aunt Because Family, just like he doesn’t have to feign closeness with my rather aloof brother.

Huh. So after 29, you have determined that you will never, ever have new friends? Well, God forbid anyone ever try to make friends with you. I'm sure they'll be happy once you clarify with them that you are already "a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc." They'll be relieved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

I have 3 sons and have told them over and over that it isn't and shouldn't be their wives (once they're married-they're 25, 21, and 18 now) responsibility to make the effort with DH and me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

I propose we stop with this whole “his family IS your family” stuff, too. You know what? I have a family, and while I like my ILs and am especially friendly with my SIL, I didn’t meet any of them until I was 29. By then I was a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc. DH and I have basically adopted the best of each other’s traditions and family connections and family expectations, and leave the rest. So no, I will not be going on every camping trip with my ILs, because I don’t like camping, but I do love their holiday traditions. I do not need to be close or make an effort with DH’s particularly weird aunt Because Family, just like he doesn’t have to feign closeness with my rather aloof brother.

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.