Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're fine as you are. You're doing nothing wrong and having a closer relationship forced you sounds horrible.

You basically have a man baby for a husband whose first desire is to please his mother.

THat's probably why he's on marriage 2.

Her DH sucks but clearly OP is no prize herself. Why did she marry him otherwise? And do litigation attorneys not make that much? Couldn’t she find someone who wasn’t divorced?

Anonymous wrote:OP you're fine as you are. You're doing nothing wrong and having a closer relationship forced you sounds horrible.

You basically have a man baby for a husband whose first desire is to please his mother.

THat's probably why he's on marriage 2.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike. I’ll think of some neutral topics we can discuss before she arrives. I’m a driven litigation attorney that loves college sports and hates/never cooks. It feels so strained to find something to talk about. MIL likes to ask questions about DH, and I feel so awkward answering. Maybe nature and travel. No politics or current events (she’s very republican, DH is a moderate republican, and I lean left). She likes to discuss how Biden is ruining the country. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

In the past DH would tell MIL stuff about our relationship and then she’d call me and ask about it (fights we’d get in - how expensive of a house we should buy, whether we should get a dog). To me it’s like she’s trying to find a way to maneuver a seat in our marriage. I told DH to stop telling her about our fights. MIL is a therapist and has this advice giving role for DH. I think he misses that, and I’m the bad guy for not wanting to jump in a share all our issues with her.

Anonymous wrote:You sound very cold, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

I think you're ignoring what is the key component in my mind--that OP's husband is sharing information about their marriage, and the MIL takes it upon herself to weigh in. I agree that if it were just a matter of OP smiling, nodding, and being polite with someone she has little in common with, she should do it. But to do this with someone who is actively interfering in her marriage is another matter. OP has a DH problem and a MIL problem. Probably easier to tackle the DH problem--if OP can shut him down from sharing intimate details of their relationship with his mother, she'll be less annoying and OP can have a less fraught relationship with her.

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

??? If her husband does the same thing, then how on earth is that misogynistic and patriarchal? Think before you type. Some of you are so self-absorbed that you don't understand that a marriage is a two-way street. If both parties are sacrificing for the other, then they both win.

A woman who consistently puts her own needs first, consistently ahead of those of her children or spouse, isn't a good mom or wife. Those are the characteristics of narcissists and their habits of behavior are incompatible with the act of being good parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

He should go at least once and if he doesn’t like it, pass going forward saying something friendly like “tried it, not for me, let’s all go out for Mexican instead next month”. Or at the very least, go fishing with dad and me, not just the two of them, again trying it just once.

That would be fine if your DH hasn't been fishing before. We should all be open to trying something new. But, if your DH has been fishing before and doesn't want to spend that kind of time with your father, why should he have to? To paraphrase a PP, why isn't it enough that your DH is a good partner to you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

He should go at least once and if he doesn’t like it, pass going forward saying something friendly like “tried it, not for me, let’s all go out for Mexican instead next month”. Or at the very least, go fishing with dad and me, not just the two of them, again trying it just once.

That would be fine if your DH hasn't been fishing before. We should all be open to trying something new. But, if your DH has been fishing before and doesn't want to spend that kind of time with your father, why should he have to? To paraphrase a PP, why isn't it enough that your DH is a good partner to you?

I guess that's a good question (I'm the PP with the fishing idea.) In my family of origin it is decidedly NOT enough for any married-in member, male or female, to be a good partner. They are expected to be warm-and-fuzzy with the entire clan. I suppose we are all enmeshed with each other. My husband is a more closed-off person and they all think he is rigid and icy, even though he is a good husband and father. The pressure seems to be even higher on women.