Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Or why not move in with the SON? How sexist of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

But OP has already said the SIL’s spouse is on the chart and the other SIL does not have one. OP is the only one not participating and her husband is doing only half of the time everyone else does. I mean their choice but they are really not doing their share.

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem to be thinking about this in a very rigid way. I understand that you are not close with your SILs and that this has been hurtful. I don’t think it makes a lot of sense to hold this against them as they come up with a care plan for your MIL in her old age. Ultimately, this plan is to the benefit of your MIL who you like.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm 54, my husband is 63.

This grates on me because SILs showed no interest or compassion to my parents when they were ill and died. My mom died of cancer 7 months after the diagnosis at the age of only 52.
My dad had advanced diabetes (it went undetected for years), he subsequently developed osteomyelitis, he then started having TIAs and he eventually died of sepsis (blood poisoning). He was 64.

My parents lived 6 hours away. I did not expect SILs to go see my parents in person when they were ill, but they could have sent them a friendly card or a note, they could have asked me about my parents, or comforted me after they died. They didn't. I have no siblings so no one to share my grief with apart from my husband.

OP, If I do the math correctly, your mother must have died over 20 years ago, and your father likely 15+ years ago. This... is a long time to hold a grudge. I'm sorry that SILs weren't there for you as much as you would have liked, but I'm guessing that 20 years ago they may have been neck deep in childrearing/working/general life business. Sure, it would have been nice to send a card, but your anger towards them is completely misplaced. I too am an only child and have ZERO expectations from my SIL or BIL when it comes to the care of MY parents. Why would they be involved in that? They have their own parents, in-laws, and children to worry about.

OP, you don't like your SILs and you are bent out of shaped that they asked you to do something that you think will benefit them. Your SILs may be ugly on the inside, but it seems you are no better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Or why not move in with the SON? How sexist of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

We learn these lessons in our 40s and 50s caring for our parents. I don't consider that elderly.

NP. You don't need to be "elderly" to be "an elder." My 44yo sister is my elder sister. She has more life experience than I do. She's not always right and I don't always listen to her, but it's a fact that she's been on this planet for 10 years longer than me.

I did all the work and actually understand the reality of aging unlike my 7 year older sister. Being older does not mean you are wiser. My mother thinks she is an expert on all of this after sitting on her tush while her siblings did the heavy lifting. She has doled out useless advice to countless people. Life experience is life experience and is not necessarily correlated with age.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Anonymous wrote:

I'm 54, my husband is 63.

This grates on me because SILs showed no interest or compassion to my parents when they were ill and died. My mom died of cancer 7 months after the diagnosis at the age of only 52.
My dad had advanced diabetes (it went undetected for years), he subsequently developed osteomyelitis, he then started having TIAs and he eventually died of sepsis (blood poisoning). He was 64.

My parents lived 6 hours away. I did not expect SILs to go see my parents in person when they were ill, but they could have sent them a friendly card or a note, they could have asked me about my parents, or comforted me after they died. They didn't. I have no siblings so no one to share my grief with apart from my husband.

OP, If I do the math correctly, your mother must have died over 20 years ago, and your father likely 15+ years ago. This... is a long time to hold a grudge. I'm sorry that SILs weren't there for you as much as you would have liked, but I'm guessing that 20 years ago they may have been neck deep in childrearing/working/general life business. Sure, it would have been nice to send a card, but your anger towards them is completely misplaced. I too am an only child and have ZERO expectations from my SIL or BIL when it comes to the care of MY parents. Why would they be involved in that? They have their own parents, in-laws, and children to worry about.

OP, you don't like your SILs and you are bent out of shaped that they asked you to do something that you think will benefit them. Your SILs may be ugly on the inside, but it seems you are no better.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are completely in the right and you are entitled to your residual feelings about how SILs were completely absent when your parents passed. Don't listen to all the other SIL guilt trippers on here. Ridiculous. Plus, I'm always suspicious of children of elderly parents who move heaven and earth to keep them out of the appropriate care situation and leave them at home. I always suspect selfish children who are trying to protect their inheritance at the expense of their struggling parent. Why hasn't your MIL moved in with one of the two sisters at this point?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Wise elders make plans where they don't end up leaving children to resent eachother. Also, Alzheimers is a beast and it's definitely not dealing with a wise elder. It is truly exhausting changing the diapers, sometimes dealing with tantrums and keeping the person safe. I've been there. My other parent snapped and became abusive. Much better to have the person in Memory care and visit there in our case.

Of course prior poster was not referring to the patient. You sound defensive. Just concurring that some lessons need to be learned first hand.

We learn these lessons in our 40s and 50s caring for our parents. I don't consider that elderly.

You're kind of young to be doing the family hierarchy thing. I'm 43, and hope I have mutual respect with my family members. I certainly don't demand or expect that someone will think I have special powers because I've been on the planet 10 years longer. That kind of thinking is the foundation of family dysfunction.

NP. You don't need to be "elderly" to be "an elder." My 44yo sister is my elder sister. She has more life experience than I do. She's not always right and I don't always listen to her, but it's a fact that she's been on this planet for 10 years longer than me.