Anonymous wrote:OP here. This has turned into a really meaningful discussion and I appreciate all of your input! To the PP above— I do feel like my BF is being controlling or manipulative in making these requests. It’s just a feeling I get. Maybe he isn’t. He wants what he wants, and he wants me to fit into that vision he has for his life. He clearly doesn’t want to be with someone who is extremely job-focused. We are definitely at different points in our lives. I’m not ready to fulfill that traditional female role of self-sacrifice — I need to protect my future self. As much as I love him, I don’t see a way it can work if he is not willing to accept a partner who can’t focus on him most of the time.

Let’s put it that way - he can’t afford you. You focusing on him fully has high transactional costs. If he gave you $3mm tomorrow for retirement, would you devote yourself fully to his retired lifestyle ? Or still it won’t work ?

I can see a guy like this dating a woman working remotely for a non for profit or something making $60k/year. Weird that he picked a career woman. It must be the “wind” from his daughters to date “well-off” women and not endanger their inheritance

OP here. This has turned into a really meaningful discussion and I appreciate all of your input! To the PP above— I do feel like my BF is being controlling or manipulative in making these requests. It’s just a feeling I get. Maybe he isn’t. He wants what he wants, and he wants me to fit into that vision he has for his life. He clearly doesn’t want to be with someone who is extremely job-focused. We are definitely at different points in our lives. I’m not ready to fulfill that traditional female role of self-sacrifice — I need to protect my future self. As much as I love him, I don’t see a way it can work if he is not willing to accept a partner who can’t focus on him most of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am not being sarcastic when I ask this - but why are you unsure about what you want? As PPs said - this could be a reasonable request - but that doesn't really matter if it's not what YOU want. People can disagree about reasonable things.

But his request doesn't even seem in line with you in some major ways - why are you doubting yourself? What is making you hesitate?

Op here. Purely for emotional reasons. We have an amazing connection. I thought I’d finally met someone who was really my other half in so many ways. I’m fine being single, but it’s wonderful to have a partner who is so sympatico with me on almost every level. He has become my closest friend. I will miss him terribly if we break up. I am so sad about the way he is presenting what he wants or needs me to do. I feel manipulated.

You lose a lot of credibility with me with statements like he is manipulating you and your earlier statement that it feels like emotional blackmail. He wants what he wants and you want what you want, both of you have reasonable positions but they are clearly not compatible so you guys should break up. It's really that simple.

I agree that it is this simple, but the feeling of being manipulated may stem from the cognitive dissonance that many of us experience in relationships - at once being vulnerable and feeling "sympatico" with a partner, and then acknowledging that they don't actually have our best interests at heart (or us their's honestly) and that balance of compromise / self-interest / etc. Women may feel this more because we are generally trained and expected to be the more understanding, flexible, etc., in a relationship and to sacrifice for the "greater" good - also, it wasn't that long ago that a woman's best financial security WAS getting married, so leaving college, following a husband was the norm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am not being sarcastic when I ask this - but why are you unsure about what you want? As PPs said - this could be a reasonable request - but that doesn't really matter if it's not what YOU want. People can disagree about reasonable things.

But his request doesn't even seem in line with you in some major ways - why are you doubting yourself? What is making you hesitate?

Op here. Purely for emotional reasons. We have an amazing connection. I thought I’d finally met someone who was really my other half in so many ways. I’m fine being single, but it’s wonderful to have a partner who is so sympatico with me on almost every level. He has become my closest friend. I will miss him terribly if we break up. I am so sad about the way he is presenting what he wants or needs me to do. I feel manipulated.

You lose a lot of credibility with me with statements like he is manipulating you and your earlier statement that it feels like emotional blackmail. He wants what he wants and you want what you want, both of you have reasonable positions but they are clearly not compatible so you guys should break up. It's really that simple.

A side question to OP and the PP above: what are you successful women do for living? These salaries are truly amazing!

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

Man, OP, this just gets worse and worse. He makes less than you, wants you to move to NC where you will also make less money, and finally, seems entitled to decide what "living just fine" looks like. Coupled with your comment that he's "really into the retired lifestyle", I picture you landing in a depressing area of NC, living on a fixed income, and having no say in how it's spent.

Look men are weird with money. I make what you make and my BF is a GS15 fed. He claims it's not an issue and what I'm learning is that it is. Why? At first I thought it was just an insecurity thing; what I've realized over time is that money means different things to us; how and what we spend it on is a direct reflection of our income stream(s). I don't know where he and I will land but I've learned to really respect how significant this very thing can be. In your case, your BF actually sounds controlling in a way that would genuinely worry me. Like he can't even see what well-being looks like for you, let alone protect it.

I'm sorry. Sounds like you love this guy. I love my guy too. But I don't know that it will work out for us and I may have to face that. I know it's hard. But if your gut is talking to you about this, you should listen.

He wants a nurse with a purse.

Op - you actually risk being left in a trailer or a small rental apartment at age 80 if you move in with him without doing your own math. Who "inherits" his military pension, does he have the right of survivorship in his pension plan, can this right be assigned to a trust for you so he won't be able to change it later? Multiple legal questions arise.

I can understand if you were making under 100K working for a non-profit (but even then, you still would have your own income). But in your case you are executive career woman, and he's asking you to risk your own security while not being in a position to offer you anything material. I doubt this man is acting in your best interest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?

OP here. I make anywhere between 300 and 375 each year depending on that year’s bonus.
On the estate question— he would leave his existing assets to his daughters but anything post-marriage he would leave to me. But since he’s retired, that’s not a ton. He is retired military. I don’t know how his pension really works.
I would be perfectly content living a modest lifestyle in retirement, but because of issues earlier in my life, I fell far behind on savings. I am currently pouring a huge chunk of each paycheck into 401k. I really need a well-paying job to make retirement work for me throughout the rest of my life.

I don't understand these stories. How can someone make this much and have such a hard time dealing with life choices as if they don't have options and safety. At that rate haven't they earned enough that they can live in a trailer like Elon Musk if they want and not worry about things? Typical DCUM. Woe is me. I make in the top 0.5% of the US.

I’m sorry you don’t understand money and how long-term saving for retirement works.

There are people in the US who make $15k a year and still survive. In one year you make what they make in a lifetime.

I am not sure what your point is, other than to express anger at wage inequality. I’m not sure how that relates to my situation. I am most concerned with the way my boyfriend is making these demands of me to give up my job. And no, I don’t want to live in a trailer as you previously suggested. Do you live in a trailer?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?

OP here. I make anywhere between 300 and 375 each year depending on that year’s bonus.
On the estate question— he would leave his existing assets to his daughters but anything post-marriage he would leave to me. But since he’s retired, that’s not a ton. He is retired military. I don’t know how his pension really works.
I would be perfectly content living a modest lifestyle in retirement, but because of issues earlier in my life, I fell far behind on savings. I am currently pouring a huge chunk of each paycheck into 401k. I really need a well-paying job to make retirement work for me throughout the rest of my life.

I don't understand these stories. How can someone make this much and have such a hard time dealing with life choices as if they don't have options and safety. At that rate haven't they earned enough that they can live in a trailer like Elon Musk if they want and not worry about things? Typical DCUM. Woe is me. I make in the top 0.5% of the US.

I’m sorry you don’t understand money and how long-term saving for retirement works.

There are people in the US who make $15k a year and still survive. In one year you make what they make in a lifetime.

It seems to me that OP worked hard her way up so she does NOT have to be like these other people, or need “survive”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?

OP here. I make anywhere between 300 and 375 each year depending on that year’s bonus.
On the estate question— he would leave his existing assets to his daughters but anything post-marriage he would leave to me. But since he’s retired, that’s not a ton. He is retired military. I don’t know how his pension really works.
I would be perfectly content living a modest lifestyle in retirement, but because of issues earlier in my life, I fell far behind on savings. I am currently pouring a huge chunk of each paycheck into 401k. I really need a well-paying job to make retirement work for me throughout the rest of my life.

I don't understand these stories. How can someone make this much and have such a hard time dealing with life choices as if they don't have options and safety. At that rate haven't they earned enough that they can live in a trailer like Elon Musk if they want and not worry about things? Typical DCUM. Woe is me. I make in the top 0.5% of the US.

I’m sorry you don’t understand money and how long-term saving for retirement works.

There are people in the US who make $15k a year and still survive. In one year you make what they make in a lifetime.

you know what to do. It’s just going to suck. I’m sorry.

Anonymous wrote:In your situation specifically, marriage would be the requirement. Anything else is off the table.

In her situation marriage to him may be not as desirable. He gets half of what she earns and everything he accumulated would go to his kids. It’s a no pass financial situation where he likely would need to deed her an asset or a trust to guarantee her huge lost income.
Otherwise her own retirement is in danger in such marriage

In your situation specifically, marriage would be the requirement. Anything else is off the table.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?

OP here. I make anywhere between 300 and 375 each year depending on that year’s bonus.
On the estate question— he would leave his existing assets to his daughters but anything post-marriage he would leave to me. But since he’s retired, that’s not a ton. He is retired military. I don’t know how his pension really works.
I would be perfectly content living a modest lifestyle in retirement, but because of issues earlier in my life, I fell far behind on savings. I am currently pouring a huge chunk of each paycheck into 401k. I really need a well-paying job to make retirement work for me throughout the rest of my life.

I don't understand these stories. How can someone make this much and have such a hard time dealing with life choices as if they don't have options and safety. At that rate haven't they earned enough that they can live in a trailer like Elon Musk if they want and not worry about things? Typical DCUM. Woe is me. I make in the top 0.5% of the US.

I’m sorry you don’t understand money and how long-term saving for retirement works.