Ah yes, the equality stuff bears more discussion. If paying for and taking a vacation for my dad and stepmom means my mom gets in a state about it, and then my in-laws start asking questions about why we haven't done the same for them, that's 3x the money and 3x the vacation time. Which I simply do not possess. If my dad pays, then at least I'm not going completely bankrupt while I try to give people a reasonable share of our time. That IMO is a great reason for parents to pay. Because it's not just about you and what you want, it's about the younger generation's need to spend time with other parts of the family too and to maintain some semblance of good family relationships without everyone ending up resenting each other.

Anonymous wrote:Most of the chatter in here is not a vacation.

Any time away with inlaws/parents really tends to be a trip for the vast majority of people. And that is why people expect to be treated. If not, we can all just visit each other at the holidays or whatever.

My dad floated a beach trip back in December. He hasn't mentioned it again, so we shall see. But my retired parents know that we would expect them to fit the cottage/airbnb bill as they for sure want everyone under one roof. Their rules and all of that.

I have a friend who's mom sends her emails asking what the plan is for her birthday, since the mom is no longer married she has all sorts of expectations that her grown daughter will step into the spouse role in that way. Super entitled.

Aaaaaaand here we have the merger of the ACOD conversation. If you're unhappily married and can't keep your sniping under control, vacationing with you isn't fun! If you're divorced and dating or married to someone who is unpleasant, vacationing with you isn't fun! If it's a coerced, guilt-tripped obligation because you are trying to push your children into a spousal role, vacationing with you isn't fun! And if the person you divorced is also going to expect equal time and money to be spent on a vacation with or for them, vacationing with you isn't possible!

Most of the chatter in here is not a vacation.

Any time away with inlaws/parents really tends to be a trip for the vast majority of people. And that is why people expect to be treated. If not, we can all just visit each other at the holidays or whatever.

My dad floated a beach trip back in December. He hasn't mentioned it again, so we shall see. But my retired parents know that we would expect them to fit the cottage/airbnb bill as they for sure want everyone under one roof. Their rules and all of that.

I have a friend who's mom sends her emails asking what the plan is for her birthday, since the mom is no longer married she has all sorts of expectations that her grown daughter will step into the spouse role in that way. Super entitled.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws bicker, FIL has an anxiety disorder, MIL is out of touch and clueless and I honestly don't understand how she kept 3 children alive for 18 years. Not only are they NOT helpful, they are super duper stressful.

Even if they pay, I don't want to go.

This. NOT a vacation.

Seriously. It might be a worthwhile use of time. But it's not a vacation for me. There's literally no trip with young children that feels like a vacation to me. I don't mind visiting my in-laws because they're good with the kids and take them out to give us a break, they're understanding and up-to-date about special needs, and they ALWAYS follow our rules and are great about generational things like car seats and safe sleep. But if this stuff were a source of conflict or if they wanted us to spend too much of our money or go at a time that doesn't work for our jobs or the kids' school, or do something that we just really dislike or that isn't age-appropriate, or if the sleeping arrangement isn't conducive to actual sleep, then it's not enjoyable at all. It's not about whether I like *them*, it's about whether the plans are feasible. If I'm going to spend our whole vacation budget and all my PTO on something that's really not enjoyable, it isn't a vacation.

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws bicker, FIL has an anxiety disorder, MIL is out of touch and clueless and I honestly don't understand how she kept 3 children alive for 18 years. Not only are they NOT helpful, they are super duper stressful.

Even if they pay, I don't want to go.

This. NOT a vacation.

My in-laws bicker, FIL has an anxiety disorder, MIL is out of touch and clueless and I honestly don't understand how she kept 3 children alive for 18 years. Not only are they NOT helpful, they are super duper stressful.

Even if they pay, I don't want to go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting.

I am 42 with DH and two kids, 10 and 5.

We cover all expenses of my parents and inlaws when they occasionally vacation with us.

When my kids are self-supporting adults i hope they want to see us enough that they will say yes and even initiate vacations together and pay their way. We would, of course, help pay if they want to go on a vacation together and $ is the only reason they are not able to do so, but I would feel so bad if they do not want to vacation with us unless we pay...

Naive?

This is highly unlikely to happen. Sorry.

I don't think it's naive or even unlikely that they would do this, if they're visiting your home on a holiday that's normally for travel. But if you're going to place demands on where they go and what they do and the timing of it, you have to understand that makes it less appealing or else completely impossible. Especially if what you want to do is expensive or involves a lot of travel hassle or is really cheap to the point of being yucky.

Anonymous wrote:Let me put it this way: do my money and my vacation days belong to my MIL to be used as she directs? No.

+1


That is how I feel. If it is not a place I would pick, or even enjoy, and I have so little vacation time, then it's kind of a big deal for me to take the time to attend. I will do it, for DH, and put on a happy face, but it is not my vacation, by any means, or any sense of the word. Maybe if MIL were a kinder person, in general. I plan to be nicer to everyone that might marry in, than my MIL and SIL's were to me, at the beginning. They have calmed down in their old age, but they were not exactly warm and welcoming.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting.

I am 42 with DH and two kids, 10 and 5.

We cover all expenses of my parents and inlaws when they occasionally vacation with us.

When my kids are self-supporting adults i hope they want to see us enough that they will say yes and even initiate vacations together and pay their way. We would, of course, help pay if they want to go on a vacation together and $ is the only reason they are not able to do so, but I would feel so bad if they do not want to vacation with us unless we pay...

Naive?

This is highly unlikely to happen. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting.

I am 42 with DH and two kids, 10 and 5.

We cover all expenses of my parents and inlaws when they occasionally vacation with us.

When my kids are self-supporting adults i hope they want to see us enough that they will say yes and even initiate vacations together and pay their way. We would, of course, help pay if they want to go on a vacation together and $ is the only reason they are not able to do so, but I would feel so bad if they do not want to vacation with us unless we pay...

Naive?

Yes, it’s pretty naive to think that your future son or daughter in law is going to want to spend their limited vacation time and money accommodating your preferences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's something so inherently wrong with grown, self supporting adult children demanding their parents pay for the entirety of a trip (with time and place are factored) otherwise they refuse to go. Most of you see it as a gift to your parents if you attend. Hopefully this is just the "entitled DC" crowd and not the norm.

What’s entitled is assuming your grown children want to vacation with you in a place you chose, and that they also want to pay for the privilege to do so! Now THAT’s entitled! I’m perfectly fine paying for my OWN vacations. That’s not what this is.

Exactly. When I finally put my foot down and said I was no longer staying in the DIRTY condo they wanted us to use (because it was next to the very nice one they rented) and that our family of 4 needed our own place, it caused massive drama. We paid for our own condo! No one was paying! We just got a different one in the same building that didn't have 40 year old, never cleaned carpet inside. They picked the place, and I had to pay and it was RIDICULOUS how much drama there was.

So no, I will not do that to my kids when they are adults.

This is not at all what the original ask was. No one is suggesting you pony up time and money to go on a vacation that others make miserable for you. That is a entirely different scenario. The ask is if Parents are always required to pay for their adult children even if they go where you say to and during the time frame you tell them as well. There is a resounding Yes, they are always required to pay for the "gift" of your presence.

Uh, no, that's not the resounding response. The resounding response is that if they are the hosts, then they pay because that's what hosts do. If you don't want to accept the gift, or if the terms (time, location, accommodations, etc) are not to your liking, then you may pay for yourself/ves. However, if you accept their gift then you need to accept their terms.

Think about it this way: if your bestie invites you to dinner, tells you the time and place, you don't alter the agreement by demanding to go someplace else on a different day at a different time. Didn't you learn any manners from your parents?

Interesting.

I am 42 with DH and two kids, 10 and 5.

We cover all expenses of my parents and inlaws when they occasionally vacation with us.

When my kids are self-supporting adults i hope they want to see us enough that they will say yes and even initiate vacations together and pay their way. We would, of course, help pay if they want to go on a vacation together and $ is the only reason they are not able to do so, but I would feel so bad if they do not want to vacation with us unless we pay...

Naive?

Let me put it this way: do my money and my vacation days belong to my MIL to be used as she directs? No.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's something so inherently wrong with grown, self supporting adult children demanding their parents pay for the entirety of a trip (with time and place are factored) otherwise they refuse to go. Most of you see it as a gift to your parents if you attend. Hopefully this is just the "entitled DC" crowd and not the norm.

What’s entitled is assuming your grown children want to vacation with you in a place you chose, and that they also want to pay for the privilege to do so! Now THAT’s entitled! I’m perfectly fine paying for my OWN vacations. That’s not what this is.

Exactly. When I finally put my foot down and said I was no longer staying in the DIRTY condo they wanted us to use (because it was next to the very nice one they rented) and that our family of 4 needed our own place, it caused massive drama. We paid for our own condo! No one was paying! We just got a different one in the same building that didn't have 40 year old, never cleaned carpet inside. They picked the place, and I had to pay and it was RIDICULOUS how much drama there was.

So no, I will not do that to my kids when they are adults.

LEARN TO READ.... Even if the parents ask you where and when and book accordingly, You are still acting put out if you have to pay anything, even for your own food.

There isn't some mandate that says adults have to vacation with their parents/in-laws. If they want us to come, they can treat. If not, that's fine, I certainly don't expect them to, but they should not expect to plan our vacation schedule/budget around them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's something so inherently wrong with grown, self supporting adult children demanding their parents pay for the entirety of a trip (with time and place are factored) otherwise they refuse to go. Most of you see it as a gift to your parents if you attend. Hopefully this is just the "entitled DC" crowd and not the norm.

What’s entitled is assuming your grown children want to vacation with you in a place you chose, and that they also want to pay for the privilege to do so! Now THAT’s entitled! I’m perfectly fine paying for my OWN vacations. That’s not what this is.

Exactly. When I finally put my foot down and said I was no longer staying in the DIRTY condo they wanted us to use (because it was next to the very nice one they rented) and that our family of 4 needed our own place, it caused massive drama. We paid for our own condo! No one was paying! We just got a different one in the same building that didn't have 40 year old, never cleaned carpet inside. They picked the place, and I had to pay and it was RIDICULOUS how much drama there was.

So no, I will not do that to my kids when they are adults.

This is not at all what the original ask was. No one is suggesting you pony up time and money to go on a vacation that others make miserable for you. That is a entirely different scenario. The ask is if Parents are always required to pay for their adult children even if they go where you say to and during the time frame you tell them as well. There is a resounding Yes, they are always required to pay for the "gift" of your presence.