Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an ACOD and sorry but some of us act so entitled and dramatic. “My kids have to split time with three sets of grandparents? The horror! My selfish mother/father should have lived in misery forever.”

Divorce does sometimes, actually frequently, have a long-lasting, negative emotional impact on the kids which can impact marriages as adults. But really, a happy divorce is 100 times better than a miserable home life. Adults who divorce can and should make the effort to be the bigger person and have the most conflict-free divorce possible, and never say anything bad about their ex. If you do that, it might be an overall negative but it’s unlikely. And all the whining about holiday logistics is just something to ignore.

Marriage is hard for everybody and just because an ACOD has a hard time with it doesn’t mean it’s his parent’s fault. Everybody has to manage their own shit at some point.

I think most of the complaints come from ACOD of unhappy divorces and unhappy remarriages. It's a lot to impose on your children and grandchildren of you're just going to end up as miserable as you were before.

PP here and my parents’ divorce was actually really bad, and that was really hard for us. But my dad was miserable being married to my mom and I can’t imagine suggesting that he should stay in that misery just so that we could have a slightly easier life. I will say that he almost never said anything negative about my mom to us, even though there is a lot he could have said. And perhaps most importantly, we had at least one home where there was some stability and calm. So yeah the divorce was bad but it was better than them staying married for everyone involved.

No, you're missing my point. What if he ended up in another unhappy marriage? If your parents do end up happier, great, you're a lucky duck. But if they don't, it's worse. Divorce is rolling the dice.

He did actually end up in another semi-unhappy marriage, and I don't like my stepmom, and I think it was a mistake for him to marry her. But it was still way better off than them being married. And even if it wasn't, I personally think it's much worse to see your dad and mom in a bad marriage together than your dad and stepmom in a bad marriage together.

Regardless, the way I see it, the person getting divorced is the one who bears the risk. When kids are adults, they don't have to be around bad parents or bad step-parents. I rarely think about how my dad's marriage is going. I live my own life, which yes sometimes involves complicated holiday logistics but 360/365 days out of the year it makes no difference to me who my stepmom is.

+1 more excellent boundary setting by a ACOD! keep it coming!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

DP here. I’m not visiting twice as many people on the holidays. If you choose to divorce, you get half as much time. That’s how it works. I will rotate but I will not twist my family into a pretzel. And I don’t feel guilty - this is what you chose.

+1 example of excellent boundary setting for a ACOD!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances
etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

The fact that you fail to see how everything you listed above also trickles down to the children involved (at home or adult) shows just how self-centered you are. Easy to see why your marriage didn’t last. If your finances are so bad, are you going to quietly live in poverty, or are you going to guilt your children into supporting you somehow. Given your self-righteous grievances, you don’t come across as someone who will help themselves.

you seem to think ONLY mentally ill parents divorce. It's not a given that a divored parent acts this way (see bolded above about guilting their child). Maybe yours did, but not all do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

The parents, at least one of them, CHOOSE to divorce. And they CHOOSE to date and remarry. I have sympathy for people who are divorced against their will, but otherwise they need to take responsibility for their choices. If they chose to marry someone inappropriate for them, they need to be responsible for that.

and that is where, an emotionally healthy parent who CHOOSES divorce, should also not speak ill of their ex, not emotionally manipulate their children, guilt them about holidays etc... they understand the consequence of their actions.

Those parents that do not do this, they are mentally ill parents and the problem is the person, not the divorce ... and we are back to: Therapy and boundaries for the children if they want to live a happy life!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an ACOD and sorry but some of us act so entitled and dramatic. “My kids have to split time with three sets of grandparents? The horror! My selfish mother/father should have lived in misery forever.”

Divorce does sometimes, actually frequently, have a long-lasting, negative emotional impact on the kids which can impact marriages as adults. But really, a happy divorce is 100 times better than a miserable home life. Adults who divorce can and should make the effort to be the bigger person and have the most conflict-free divorce possible, and never say anything bad about their ex. If you do that, it might be an overall negative but it’s unlikely. And all the whining about holiday logistics is just something to ignore.

Marriage is hard for everybody and just because an ACOD has a hard time with it doesn’t mean it’s his parent’s fault. Everybody has to manage their own shit at some point.

I think most of the complaints come from ACOD of unhappy divorces and unhappy remarriages. It's a lot to impose on your children and grandchildren of you're just going to end up as miserable as you were before.

PP here and my parents’ divorce was actually really bad, and that was really hard for us. But my dad was miserable being married to my mom and I can’t imagine suggesting that he should stay in that misery just so that we could have a slightly easier life. I will say that he almost never said anything negative about my mom to us, even though there is a lot he could have said. And perhaps most importantly, we had at least one home where there was some stability and calm. So yeah the divorce was bad but it was better than them staying married for everyone involved.

No, you're missing my point. What if he ended up in another unhappy marriage? If your parents do end up happier, great, you're a lucky duck. But if they don't, it's worse. Divorce is rolling the dice.

whataboutism.

Yes, divorce is rolling the dice Where you KNOW you are in a miserable situation that is bad for your children. You roll the dice and yes, it could still suck (so the status quo but now different challenges, like step parents & siblings), or it COULD BE BETTER.

What you are missing is that you seem to suggest the fear of it maybe still being bad, means you should do nothing and stay in a situation that you KNOW is miserable ... the logic isn't sound there.

Anonymous wrote:I can’t stand adults that think their parents should stay married for the sake of the adult kids. So selfish. Yes, life may be harder, splitting holidays is no fun; it may be upsetting to realize your parents aren’t happy, but seriously, people deserve an opportunity to live the end of their lives as they see fit. Mind you, parents that choose the divorce have no business guilting their kids about sharing holidays, or however else they are negatively affected by the divorce; it’s a two way street.

It's not about the divorce as much as it about selfish entitled behavior from parents.

1.) Allow your kids to love both parents.
2.) Accept if you don't get along with ex you will see kids and grandkids less. It's not their job to cater and there is only so much grandparent time. Nuclear families need their own space and time and vacations.
3.) Don't force relationships. If your new spouse plays favorites with his/her biological kids and your kids feel like trash, then they will probably visit even less.
4.) Make wise choices in old age. Look into CCRCs. Inevitably both parents or parents and inlaws have health crises all at the same time. You go first to those who truly showed love to you. Sometimes even that is impossible. Sometimes the burn out is just too much, especially when each parent and inlaw is single and has no caregiver.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too. I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me.

But this doesn't strike you as a "major personal problem"? It seems like it very much is a significant problem that you personally have to deal with, so....

I wouldn't expect your dad to stay married to spare you either. But I can't deny that it's a consequence of divorce for you.

I was defining “personal problem” as something that impacts you negatively emotionally and is hard to deal with, like replicating negative interpersonal patterns or anxiety due to childhood neglect. What I have with my mom is a logistical problem. If you define that as a personal problem, then well yes all divorces will cause “personal problems.”

Everything parents do has consequences. Obviously. That’s why we should be the best parents we can. But I don’t see that as a reason for ACOD to expect their parents to sacrifice so much for them, which many, many do. Maybe some parents get divorced without considering potential serious impacts on the kids but I’m guessing that’s the exception and not the rule, and people don’t need to be reminded that divorce is hard on kids.

Well clearly people do need to be reminded, because there are plenty of people right on this threat calling ACOD martyrs and whiners and saying two holidays are better than one. My own idiot parents have told me they literally never thought about how they might not like splitting up grandchild time. Nor did they think about the impact *on themselves* of having less of my time and attention. Nobody thinks they're getting into a bad marriage, but they do! Nobody thinks their choices are bad or harmful, but they are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too. I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me.

But this doesn't strike you as a "major personal problem"? It seems like it very much is a significant problem that you personally have to deal with, so....

I wouldn't expect your dad to stay married to spare you either. But I can't deny that it's a consequence of divorce for you.

I was defining “personal problem” as something that impacts you negatively emotionally and is hard to deal with, like replicating negative interpersonal patterns or anxiety due to childhood neglect. What I have with my mom is a logistical problem. If you define that as a personal problem, then well yes all divorces will cause “personal problems.”

Everything parents do has consequences. Obviously. That’s why we should be the best parents we can. But I don’t see that as a reason for ACOD to expect their parents to sacrifice so much for them, which many, many do. Maybe some parents get divorced without considering potential serious impacts on the kids but I’m guessing that’s the exception and not the rule, and people don’t need to be reminded that divorce is hard on kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too. I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me.

But this doesn't strike you as a "major personal problem"? It seems like it very much is a significant problem that you personally have to deal with, so....

I wouldn't expect your dad to stay married to spare you either. But I can't deny that it's a consequence of divorce for you.

The thing with the elderly is, it's pretty hard to just walk away. They get to a point where they really can't fend for themselves physically or cognitively, and if you're not willing to manage their affairs, there's real consequences. If you're willing to just shrug it off and let them get evicted or kicked out of a hospital with no rehab to go to or whatever, well, you're an awfully strong person. If you don't make sure their mortgage and taxes are paid, you're in for some very costly penalties. Do that enough and you lose the house-- then they have nowhere to live, and no asset to cover their assisted living. If you don't set up a medical rehab after they fall, the hospital will still put them out, and their condition will likely worsen. It's one thing to tell them they're only getting every other Christmas and hang up when they yell at you. This is a whole different level. People who haven't been through it don't understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too. I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

DP here. I’m not visiting twice as many people on the holidays. If you choose to divorce, you get half as much time. That’s how it works. I will rotate but I will not twist my family into a pretzel. And I don’t feel guilty - this is what you chose.

So they're gonna get half as much eldercare from you too? Half-manage their medical care when they're too old to do it? You're gonna half-sell their house, half-find them an assisted living?

NP eldercare is the hard one. One set of our parents has their spouse to rely on. The other relies on us.

Yup. Instead of the parents relying on each other (and even people who hate each other's guts will call 9-1-1), the children become the first responders for both parents. It can be a lot, if they're both having major issues at the same time in separate places.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

DP here. I’m not visiting twice as many people on the holidays. If you choose to divorce, you get half as much time. That’s how it works. I will rotate but I will not twist my family into a pretzel. And I don’t feel guilty - this is what you chose.

So they're gonna get half as much eldercare from you too? Half-manage their medical care when they're too old to do it? You're gonna half-sell their house, half-find them an assisted living?

NP eldercare is the hard one. One set of our parents has their spouse to rely on. The other relies on us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

DP here. I’m not visiting twice as many people on the holidays. If you choose to divorce, you get half as much time. That’s how it works. I will rotate but I will not twist my family into a pretzel. And I don’t feel guilty - this is what you chose.

So they're gonna get half as much eldercare from you too? Half-manage their medical care when they're too old to do it? You're gonna half-sell their house, half-find them an assisted living?

NP, with divorced parents and in-laws; only my MIL is remarried, FIL passed away several years ago. My parents live nearby and are amicable, but have different levels of functioning. They divorced, after decades of a terrible, high-conflict marriage, when I was in my mid-20s.

It's unreasonable to expect one's adult children to sacrifice their well-being and potentially that of their children on your behalf. That expectation is complicated by divorce because people only have so much bandwidth for various things. So, yeah. I'll do my best to support them, but I'm not compromising my health or my ability to parent my own children because of my parents. I spent years (and a lot of money) in therapy undoing the consequences of their lousy marriage. They've taken enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.