I love the notebook, but no to the first guy. He’s so volatile that he could go to therapy and then say he’s not in it and not propose or run hot and cold and have cold feet. So no. And all this before kids. No way.

Guy 2 sounds decent. How do you know guy 2 wants to marry you though?

If you're planning to have children of your own, keep in mind that a brilliant father will give you brilliant children. So much of your future life will be wrapped up in your kids, assuming you plan to have them. I know right now you're focused on your husband, but once kids are part of the picture, which guy would you want beside you too?

Anonymous wrote:Intelligence is inherited, OP. If your ex isn’t smart, that’s a dealbreaker right there. Don’t burden your future children with a low IQ. Plus, your ex probably wants you because he can’t have you. If you take him back, the chase is over for him. Are you sure he will not revert to his old ways?

Also, don’t marry the other guy, even if he is smart and kind. You are being honest with yourself about his DD. It’s good that you recognize you do not want to be a stepmother. It’s not fair to the child to marry her father if you are not interested in building a positive, supportive, nurturing relationship with her.

Neither man is The One. Keep looking.

Said like someone who is not a stepmother.

Step-parenting is 100x harder than parenting. Easily. I am a great, loving mother. But being a hood stepmother requires so much more than “positive, supportive, and nurturing.” You have to be prepared for your positive and supportive overtures to be met with hostility and hatred. You have to be prepared for the likelihood that your stepchild’s attachment to you is inversely proportional to how much drama the ex may inject into your life (because she may be threatened by a positive relationship with you.). You may have to be silent…a LOT..,when your spouse is screening up. You have to accept that your family finances and calendar are subject to the needs of your spouse’s ex.

The intention to love the child is like 5% of the work. You can love the child SO much and have great instincts as a mom but be a terrible stepmom and destroy your marriage in your efforts to be a good stepmom.

You want “boring” when it comes to marriage. And I mean boring in the sense of calm. You need to get into individual therapy to discover if you find him boring because there isn’t drama or if you just aren’t compatible.

My marriage is calm, but I don’t consider it boring. DH and I love just hanging out together. But life does get boring once you aren’t dating, in general. It’s less about what you are going to do on the weekends and more about laundry and grocery shopping. Ask yourself, who would you rather go grocery shopping with?

Also life gets harder and more complicated as you get older. You want a boring calm relationship to be your steady center when life becomes a raging storm.

Some more questions to ask yourself:
If you were paralyzed, is this the guy you would trust taking care of you and to keep the rest of life running?
If you died, would you trust this guy to raise your child and teach them the morals you want them to know?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

I would pick neither.

Thank you. Six pages and nobody else thought this might be relevant?

Why does this matter? Both guys seem like a poor fit at any age, unless you’re suggesting OP should settle for a mediocre marriage (and likely divorce) if she is over a certain age.

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

I would pick neither.

Thank you. Six pages and nobody else thought this might be relevant?

This is not at all a Notebook situation. You have an ex with a messy past with you and a single dad you are not so in love with. And your situation does not sound like it is class based family opposition like in the Notebook. Don’t romanticize your situation.

Anonymous wrote:If you cannot choose between two guys, it means neither is right for you. Also, individually, neither does sound right for you. Ex--100% wrong. Not even a question. New guy--after dating a year, if he were right for you, I think you'd WANT to be a stepmom to his daughter. And your ex wouldn't even be tempting. Move on from BOTH and find the right guy.

Why would someone WANT to be a stepmom after only DATING a year? Who knows if she’s even met his child yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cannot choose between two guys, it means neither is right for you. Also, individually, neither does sound right for you. Ex--100% wrong. Not even a question. New guy--after dating a year, if he were right for you, I think you'd WANT to be a stepmom to his daughter. And your ex wouldn't even be tempting. Move on from BOTH and find the right guy.

x1000

Agreed. Neither is a good fit. I'd keep looking, OP.

Anonymous wrote:If you cannot choose between two guys, it means neither is right for you. Also, individually, neither does sound right for you. Ex--100% wrong. Not even a question. New guy--after dating a year, if he were right for you, I think you'd WANT to be a stepmom to his daughter. And your ex wouldn't even be tempting. Move on from BOTH and find the right guy.

x1000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you and ex fight about?

Over nothing really. If he was upset he wouldn’t know how to communicate that and instead he would be dismissive and escalate the issue. I wouldn’t engage at that point because he was too hot headed. Then he’d act like nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug. I told him he needed therapy.

Why would you want to be with someone like this? And therapy with someone you dated? Please. Honestly, your current SO sounds too good for you and his daughter doesn't deserve to have a stepmother who will take the role begrudgingly. I think you need to cut the cord with both and keep dating.

If you cannot choose between two guys, it means neither is right for you. Also, individually, neither does sound right for you. Ex--100% wrong. Not even a question. New guy--after dating a year, if he were right for you, I think you'd WANT to be a stepmom to his daughter. And your ex wouldn't even be tempting. Move on from BOTH and find the right guy.

I think that in the Notebook those conflicts were an understandable result of class and family-created pressures. Also, he had no sense of entitlement. She learned that he put in the years to make good on the promise he made her and came back to him of her own volition.

Has your ex put in anything additional? Has he already done years of therapy? His trying to sweep arguments under the rug could be very problematic later.

You definitely should end the current relationship. Continuing it is selfish and unfair to him and his daughter. I felt the same unwillingness to raise another person's child that you did before marriage, but unlike you, I did not waste someone else's precious time.

How old are you?

I would pick neither.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither is the right fit. Break up with them both, go on online dating, and try to find someone else.

Being a stepmom is only worth it if you are super crazy about the guy, and it doesn’t sound like you are. Plus, I would only date someone with kids if you are at least forty five (after that age, it’s hard to find guys who don’t have them). I say this as someone who started dating someone with kids when I was forty two, I wish I’d waited longer than that. Being with someone with kids is a huge downside.

And the other relationship sounds unhealthy. So, sorry to say as I’m sure you are tired of dating, but move in from both.

I’m considering dating someone with a child. Can you explain why it was such a huge downside for you?

Seriously? Click on family relationships and see all the issues that come up in stepfamilies…