Anonymous wrote:Decline the showers, send ONE reasonable gift that a normal person would give, and be done with it.

This. If one of the showers is easy to attend, pick that one. Feel no guilt.

Decline the showers, send ONE reasonable gift that a normal person would give, and be done with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the purse was too heavy Op. Should she have given it back to you? So she sold it to buy something better suited for her. Have you never wanted something and then it arrived and it wasn’t for you? Everyone knows you don’t have to go to all of the showers and bring gifts for each one. You sound bitter and weird. You don’t dictate how a person uses a gift and maybe she’s short on money due to time off work for the baby and sells items no longer needed. My DDs preschool holds a yearly consignment sale and I make extra $ selling things that I bought or were gifted to me. I donate some too. Buy some baby shampoo for SIL as a gift and move on.

OP here. A bit more context - it was a LV Neverfull that she HAD to have. Her mother even got involved and suggested that "we" should get it for her. Her mom chipped in less than $100 (because that's what she could afford to contribute. Fine. I didn't have an issue w/that. But I share this piece of info because SIL was making such a fuss that the whole family knew she wanted this bag that even her mom was trying to figure out how to get it for her. So we got it the year she was pregnant with #1 that coincided with a milestone birthday with the added bonus that "it can be used as a diaper bag.") Less than a year later I never saw it again and her mother mentioned how she sold it because "it was too heavy for her." To my knowledge, she did not replace it with anything comparable. Yes, maybe she needed the money. Maybe it was too heavy. Maybe she decided she didn't like it. It irks me. If that makes me a jerk. I'm a jerk.

I had to vent. The materialism and over consumption bugs me combined with the expectation that people will buy her things that she won't or can't buy herself.

I got a Burberry bag I wanted to use as a diaper bag and it was also too heavy. It is collecting dust in my closet.

I don’t think your SIL is at fault here and she is allowed to do with a gift after gift is given. You and the rest of the family should not have given her the bag if it was out of your budget. I don’t think wanting a bag for a milestone birthday is a big deal. Cheaper than a trip.

OP here. The NF was not out of my budget and none of my previous gifts have been. At one point I was happy to be able to buy her things that she expressed a desire for but it's gotten to the point where it feels like she come to expects it (from me and others) and it irks me. I like to give gifts. I like to be generous. But it feels like the generosity is expected or taken advantage of. Case in point, we have the stokke tripp trapp chairs. She had never seen or heard of them before visiting us and she has no interest in the fact that pediatric dietitians recommend them or even because of the aesthetics of them. I'd wager a bet that if they were from IKEA or cost under $100 she would not have registered for it. She wants it because it's a status symbol. Another family friend offered a non-stokke grow-as-you-go version and she was direct that she'll wait to see if someone buys the stokke off of her registry before considering the pass down. She even mentioned that she knows they have a good resale value! If no one buys it off the registry, she won't be buying it for herself. I can guarantee it. I realize I'm wasting time overthinking all of this but the flagrant expectation for people to gift her new expensive gifts especially after giving away or selling previous gifts seems incredibly selfish.

Of course I'll be buying my future nephew or niece gifts but I've decided to buy off registry and buy something for the child not something that will contribute to her status conscious.

DP. You clearly do not enjoy giving gifts and being generous because you ruminate on the receiver's motivations and reactions to your gifts. Either stop giving gifts or give generously and let it go. You can't consider yourself to be "generous" and then say your SIL has a "flagrant expectation for people to gift her new expensive gifts" and calling her selfish. You can't have it both ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the purse was too heavy Op. Should she have given it back to you? So she sold it to buy something better suited for her. Have you never wanted something and then it arrived and it wasn’t for you? Everyone knows you don’t have to go to all of the showers and bring gifts for each one. You sound bitter and weird. You don’t dictate how a person uses a gift and maybe she’s short on money due to time off work for the baby and sells items no longer needed. My DDs preschool holds a yearly consignment sale and I make extra $ selling things that I bought or were gifted to me. I donate some too. Buy some baby shampoo for SIL as a gift and move on.

OP here. A bit more context - it was a LV Neverfull that she HAD to have. Her mother even got involved and suggested that "we" should get it for her. Her mom chipped in less than $100 (because that's what she could afford to contribute. Fine. I didn't have an issue w/that. But I share this piece of info because SIL was making such a fuss that the whole family knew she wanted this bag that even her mom was trying to figure out how to get it for her. So we got it the year she was pregnant with #1 that coincided with a milestone birthday with the added bonus that "it can be used as a diaper bag.") Less than a year later I never saw it again and her mother mentioned how she sold it because "it was too heavy for her." To my knowledge, she did not replace it with anything comparable. Yes, maybe she needed the money. Maybe it was too heavy. Maybe she decided she didn't like it. It irks me. If that makes me a jerk. I'm a jerk.

I had to vent. The materialism and over consumption bugs me combined with the expectation that people will buy her things that she won't or can't buy herself.

I got a Burberry bag I wanted to use as a diaper bag and it was also too heavy. It is collecting dust in my closet.

I don’t think your SIL is at fault here and she is allowed to do with a gift after gift is given. You and the rest of the family should not have given her the bag if it was out of your budget. I don’t think wanting a bag for a milestone birthday is a big deal. Cheaper than a trip.

OP here. The NF was not out of my budget and none of my previous gifts have been. At one point I was happy to be able to buy her things that she expressed a desire for but it's gotten to the point where it feels like she come to expects it (from me and others) and it irks me. I like to give gifts. I like to be generous. But it feels like the generosity is expected or taken advantage of. Case in point, we have the stokke tripp trapp chairs. She had never seen or heard of them before visiting us and she has no interest in the fact that pediatric dietitians recommend them or even because of the aesthetics of them. I'd wager a bet that if they were from IKEA or cost under $100 she would not have registered for it. She wants it because it's a status symbol. Another family friend offered a non-stokke grow-as-you-go version and she was direct that she'll wait to see if someone buys the stokke off of her registry before considering the pass down. She even mentioned that she knows they have a good resale value! If no one buys it off the registry, she won't be buying it for herself. I can guarantee it. I realize I'm wasting time overthinking all of this but the flagrant expectation for people to gift her new expensive gifts especially after giving away or selling previous gifts seems incredibly selfish.

Of course I'll be buying my future nephew or niece gifts but I've decided to buy off registry and buy something for the child not something that will contribute to her status conscious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the purse was too heavy Op. Should she have given it back to you? So she sold it to buy something better suited for her. Have you never wanted something and then it arrived and it wasn’t for you? Everyone knows you don’t have to go to all of the showers and bring gifts for each one. You sound bitter and weird. You don’t dictate how a person uses a gift and maybe she’s short on money due to time off work for the baby and sells items no longer needed. My DDs preschool holds a yearly consignment sale and I make extra $ selling things that I bought or were gifted to me. I donate some too. Buy some baby shampoo for SIL as a gift and move on.

OP here. A bit more context - it was a LV Neverfull that she HAD to have. Her mother even got involved and suggested that "we" should get it for her. Her mom chipped in less than $100 (because that's what she could afford to contribute. Fine. I didn't have an issue w/that. But I share this piece of info because SIL was making such a fuss that the whole family knew she wanted this bag that even her mom was trying to figure out how to get it for her. So we got it the year she was pregnant with #1 that coincided with a milestone birthday with the added bonus that "it can be used as a diaper bag.") Less than a year later I never saw it again and her mother mentioned how she sold it because "it was too heavy for her." To my knowledge, she did not replace it with anything comparable. Yes, maybe she needed the money. Maybe it was too heavy. Maybe she decided she didn't like it. It irks me. If that makes me a jerk. I'm a jerk.

I had to vent. The materialism and over consumption bugs me combined with the expectation that people will buy her things that she won't or can't buy herself.

I got a Burberry bag I wanted to use as a diaper bag and it was also too heavy. It is collecting dust in my closet.

I don’t think your SIL is at fault here and she is allowed to do with a gift after gift is given. You and the rest of the family should not have given her the bag if it was out of your budget. I don’t think wanting a bag for a milestone birthday is a big deal. Cheaper than a trip.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had multiple baby showers for my second baby. You’re WAY overthinking this.

I had multiple showers because I’m in multiple groups - H’s family, my family/friends, work, etc. I didn’t ask for any of them, I just know a lot of people who like to throw parties. I’d never expect anyone to attend all of them, but I did invite people I was close with to multiple showers since I didn’t want them to feel excluded. Didn’t care how many they went to.

I had a variety of price points on my registry because some people like to buy more expensive things. When I tried to downplay what we needed because I didn’t want people spending money, I still got pressured to let them know what expensive things we needed, so I included them. Otherwise people started buying me $500+ gift cards, figured I may as well tell them what I needed. I don’t care what people buy me, or if they buy me anything at all. And I certainly didn’t expect anyone to buy me 4 gifts.

As for the car seat, I wouldn’t use a used car seat, either. Many of them expire within 5 or 6 years, so if it’s already been used for a few years there’s a good chance it would expire while I was still using it. Makes way more sense to just get a new one.

I dunno, I know some people are gift-grabby, but I get so tired of women being labeled as tacky/selfish/money hungry when a lot of the time we’re pressured into the showers and gifts. I was totally fine with no showers or gifts, but my friends and family all really wanted to celebrate and help out. Even my coworkers, when I told them not to do anything, held a surprise shower and got me things like diapers, wipes, and gift cards.

Sorry, you still look gift grabby. You should have politely but firmly declined the offers of these showers.

Who decided that liking gifts is a bad thing? You're free not to give them, but some people will and that's fine too.

Liking gifts is fine. Expecting gifts is another story.

You don't need to attend all of the baby showers. I would probably skip the one 4 hours away.

I would buy one present and that's it. No you are not expected to buy multiple presents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had multiple baby showers for my second baby. You’re WAY overthinking this.

I had multiple showers because I’m in multiple groups - H’s family, my family/friends, work, etc. I didn’t ask for any of them, I just know a lot of people who like to throw parties. I’d never expect anyone to attend all of them, but I did invite people I was close with to multiple showers since I didn’t want them to feel excluded. Didn’t care how many they went to.

I had a variety of price points on my registry because some people like to buy more expensive things. When I tried to downplay what we needed because I didn’t want people spending money, I still got pressured to let them know what expensive things we needed, so I included them. Otherwise people started buying me $500+ gift cards, figured I may as well tell them what I needed. I don’t care what people buy me, or if they buy me anything at all. And I certainly didn’t expect anyone to buy me 4 gifts.

As for the car seat, I wouldn’t use a used car seat, either. Many of them expire within 5 or 6 years, so if it’s already been used for a few years there’s a good chance it would expire while I was still using it. Makes way more sense to just get a new one.

I dunno, I know some people are gift-grabby, but I get so tired of women being labeled as tacky/selfish/money hungry when a lot of the time we’re pressured into the showers and gifts. I was totally fine with no showers or gifts, but my friends and family all really wanted to celebrate and help out. Even my coworkers, when I told them not to do anything, held a surprise shower and got me things like diapers, wipes, and gift cards.

Sorry, you still look gift grabby. You should have politely but firmly declined the offers of these showers.

Who decided that liking gifts is a bad thing? You're free not to give them, but some people will and that's fine too.

Of course you don’t have to attend all or give a gift.

I don’t have a SIL but I would think the invitation is out of obligation. If you don’t know anyone else, don’t go.

I don’t even think it is necessary to send a gift at all and not attend a shower. Of course you should give a gift when child is actually born.

I personally love showers and parties in general. I love buying baby things. Second showers don’t normally have the big ticket items and if they do, they would be for family, which you are. There is no obligation for you to buy any big ticket items, especially when you already hosted and gave big items for first shower and offered hand me downs.

We have a seven figure income and love hand me downs. I had a shower for my first and then had a sprinkle for my third. My new mommy friends came to the sprinkle. No one from my original baby shower attended my sprinkle.

I have a friend who gets insulted when her SIL offers her non luxury baby items to her. She doesn’t want it new or second hand. Her kid has all the nicest things. She has 2 boys, her sister has 2 boys and her SIL has 2 boys. My friend’s son wears a moncler toddler coat, has a stokke stroller and a bugaboo. She doesn’t want her SIL’s old Graco travel system or stained carters clothing.

I accept hand me downs from several friends. I have no problems with my daughter wearing cute dresses that my friends’ daughters have worn or princess t shirts. Everyone is different. I have a friend who doesn’t even like to hand down from sister to sister. She actually once told me she doesn’t want the younger daughter to see a picture one day of her wearing the same dress as her sister/ shrug

Anonymous wrote:Wow, every sentence of your post is dripping with your disdain. Why go at all if you hate her so much? Gross.

+1


I get being annoyed about being invited to all the different showers, but seriously, let it go and seek some help.

omg OP you are spending WAY too much time thinking about this. Get some onesies and some books and move on with your life! No one at the showers will notice or care what you give her or don’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the monogrammed gift idea is perfect. You can get something monogrammed for the older sibling too. Maybe the two things could even be matching and you could ask for photos.

perfect.

Monogramming in this situation is passive aggressive and, even more so, bad for the environment. Those items can't be reused. That's wasteful. And why, so you can stick it to her? I bet she won't care one bit. Rise above the BS and either give a gift with grace or decline to give a gift if you don't want to participate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the purse was too heavy Op. Should she have given it back to you? So she sold it to buy something better suited for her. Have you never wanted something and then it arrived and it wasn’t for you? Everyone knows you don’t have to go to all of the showers and bring gifts for each one. You sound bitter and weird. You don’t dictate how a person uses a gift and maybe she’s short on money due to time off work for the baby and sells items no longer needed. My DDs preschool holds a yearly consignment sale and I make extra $ selling things that I bought or were gifted to me. I donate some too. Buy some baby shampoo for SIL as a gift and move on.

OP here. A bit more context - it was a LV Neverfull that she HAD to have. Her mother even got involved and suggested that "we" should get it for her. Her mom chipped in less than $100 (because that's what she could afford to contribute. Fine. I didn't have an issue w/that. But I share this piece of info because SIL was making such a fuss that the whole family knew she wanted this bag that even her mom was trying to figure out how to get it for her. So we got it the year she was pregnant with #1 that coincided with a milestone birthday with the added bonus that "it can be used as a diaper bag.") Less than a year later I never saw it again and her mother mentioned how she sold it because "it was too heavy for her." To my knowledge, she did not replace it with anything comparable. Yes, maybe she needed the money. Maybe it was too heavy. Maybe she decided she didn't like it. It irks me. If that makes me a jerk. I'm a jerk.

I had to vent. The materialism and over consumption bugs me combined with the expectation that people will buy her things that she won't or can't buy herself.

Your SIL does seem to have bad behavior related to presents, but you are an enabler in this situation, OP. Stop giving gifts that you resent giving. Ignore directives to give gifts you don't want to give. Politely decline invitations to events that you don't want to attend. SIL is part of your family and presumably will be forever. You can only control your reactions. Are you jealous she gets all this attention? Your reaction is outsized to the situation.

Anonymous wrote:I think the monogrammed gift idea is perfect. You can get something monogrammed for the older sibling too. Maybe the two things could even be matching and you could ask for photos.

perfect.

Buy one gift. Attend, at most, one shower. It's fine.