Anonymous wrote:This thread has been so helpful. We decided to go for number 3 over the holidays, and while we were excited we thought were going into it with eyes wide open. I’ve been reading this and other threads on 3 this month and we realized, after we got right up to that ledge, that maybe we don’t want what is on the other side of the ledge. Or rather, we “want” the big family but the other side of the ledge is terrifying. it took walking right up to it to notice it. Did anyone else feel this way and still go for it? I have to imagine moving forward with this much nervousness is a recipe for stress. Fwiw, I never felt like someone was missing from our family, just that we love kids and wanted a big family (chaos and all).

There was a thread in expectant moms (actually a few threads lately) from a woman who decided to go for a third, got pregnant and then decided to terminate because she realized she didn't actually want the third. You might find that thread useful as it had a lot of posters who had been in a similar situation.

This thread has been so helpful. We decided to go for number 3 over the holidays, and while we were excited we thought were going into it with eyes wide open. I’ve been reading this and other threads on 3 this month and we realized, after we got right up to that ledge, that maybe we don’t want what is on the other side of the ledge. Or rather, we “want” the big family but the other side of the ledge is terrifying. it took walking right up to it to notice it. Did anyone else feel this way and still go for it? I have to imagine moving forward with this much nervousness is a recipe for stress. Fwiw, I never felt like someone was missing from our family, just that we love kids and wanted a big family (chaos and all).

Anonymous wrote:I always go through a brief period of regretting a new baby. Just being honest here. Maybe the first week or so I’ve always had fleeting thoughts of, “this has ruined everything!” Eventually you adjust and the kids have adorable moments and then you can’t imagine life without them. - Mom of 4

Funny. My mom had that. I go through a period of a week or so where I cry about how I need to have another baby immediately.

Anonymous wrote:My third is ten months old now and by far the most difficult child I have ever seen or heard of (wakes up still every two hours through the night and very whiney and needy), but I don’t regret having her whatsoever and would do it again each time. But I knew I always wanted a third. I would have never felt “complete” without a third. Now that I have her, I feel 100% complete and 1 million percent done.

I purposefully have a 4 year gap between my second and third. I am so grateful for the gap. I would have to be committed if I had to handle my very difficult third plus two other toddlers/very young children. Having the older two be somewhat self-sufficient and able to help me with things has been a lifeline. Plus, they absolutely adore the baby in a way that a younger child wouldn’t really be able to, and seeing those interactions and care for the baby has been priceless.

My thought with kids is that if you want another, have another. It is an incredibly rare situation in which that decision under those circumstances will turn into a “regretted child.”

Get her checked for lead poisoning and anemia

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not sure I would put myself in the category of the poster who has a therapy fund for her third child because she doesn’t want him around. I was trying to be honest that while I adore all three of my children three was harder than I thought it would be and shifted the dynamic in our family in a way I wasn’t prepared for (being an only child myself). The skiing was just one example. But things like that happen every weekend. The truth is with two working parents it is very very hard to spend individual time with each kid. I didn’t realize how hard that would be with three. There is no time machine so I’m leaning into it and trying my absolute best to give all three what they need but maybe there is a woman reading this who would benefit from my experience.

That definitely sounds like a struggle. I know a career and 3 kids is beyond my capabilities. And I definitely think everybody deserves rest and fun in their life. My quibble is really specifically with the dcum gospel of restaurants and travel. In a way, I get it. I only have 2 kids, but our travel and restaurant life is limited mostly due to finances, and I miss it all the time. But I think it's short sighted. Most people on dcum have already been to a ton of restaurants and gone on a lot of vacations, and they can pick it right up again when their kids are older, if they're not able to do it now. Most people on this planet never go to restaurants or go on vacations anyway. Even a generation ago, it wasn't that common for families to go to restaurants and vacations all the time. This is such a recent and western, upper-middle-class value. I just personally don't feel like it's worth staking your life on.

I always go through a brief period of regretting a new baby. Just being honest here. Maybe the first week or so I’ve always had fleeting thoughts of, “this has ruined everything!” Eventually you adjust and the kids have adorable moments and then you can’t imagine life without them. - Mom of 4

Anonymous wrote:My third child is my abosolute favorite of the three I have.

Same.

I have never regretted our third, but DH and I went into the decision with eyes wide open and were completely on the same page. Ours are fairly close together (all ~2 years apart), and that definitely helps with keeping things as cohesive as we want them to be, which isn't always. There may be a few material things we can't afford for all three, but I also don't want my kids to have every possession their hearts desire.

All that being said, I would never advise someone to have three kids (or any kids, really) if both partners weren't fully on board or they hadn't considered the trade-offs. Three kids is much harder than two kids. Loving your third child doesn't mean you have to pretend that some downsides of three kids don't exist. I think a lot of parents also don't realize how stressful life will be with that other kid, and while they don't "regret" them per se, that chronic stress takes a real toll over time. That's why we're not having a fourth.

Anonymous wrote:

As a kid of a larger family, those little frustrations extended to the kids. My Dad made enough that I never qualified for financial aid, but they hadn't saved college funds for all of us and try as I could I didn't get the scholarships to make up the difference, so that big envelope from my dream school went in the trash. Other little things like I didn't get to choose what instrument I learned in band because my older sister had a flute and they couldn't afford another instrument. Made the travel team? Can't afford it.

My parents were good parents, but it's simply not the life I want for my kids.

It's possible to end up with the opposite. You could have an only child who took all the lessons, went to all the restaurants, did all the trips, went to college and med school fully paid, but now is unhappy because what they really want is family.

My third is ten months old now and by far the most difficult child I have ever seen or heard of (wakes up still every two hours through the night and very whiney and needy), but I don’t regret having her whatsoever and would do it again each time. But I knew I always wanted a third. I would have never felt “complete” without a third. Now that I have her, I feel 100% complete and 1 million percent done.

I purposefully have a 4 year gap between my second and third. I am so grateful for the gap. I would have to be committed if I had to handle my very difficult third plus two other toddlers/very young children. Having the older two be somewhat self-sufficient and able to help me with things has been a lifeline. Plus, they absolutely adore the baby in a way that a younger child wouldn’t really be able to, and seeing those interactions and care for the baby has been priceless.

My thought with kids is that if you want another, have another. It is an incredibly rare situation in which that decision under those circumstances will turn into a “regretted child.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

I’m not sure I would put myself in the category of the poster who has a therapy fund for her third child because she doesn’t want him around. I was trying to be honest that while I adore all three of my children three was harder than I thought it would be and shifted the dynamic in our family in a way I wasn’t prepared for (being an only child myself). The skiing was just one example. But things like that happen every weekend. The truth is with two working parents it is very very hard to spend individual time with each kid. I didn’t realize how hard that would be with three. There is no time machine so I’m leaning into it and trying my absolute best to give all three what they need but maybe there is a woman reading this who would benefit from my experience.

Pp I found your post really helpful fwiw, I totally understood what you meant and am sure you adore your daughter but I appreciated your honesty and insight into the family dynamic. I’m pregnant with my second and sometimes think about a third, but am not convinced it’s right for our family - and this really struck a chord with me in helping make the decision later with eyes wide open. I’m sure when they all get a bit older there will be a lot of fun with the three dynamic and you may find your sweet spot as a family (I think and hope so!) but just chiming in to say I appreciate your post and honesty

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

I think it's all about age spacing. We have two under two and if we have a third I want to do it ASAP. No way am I getting out of nap and diaper stage and going backwards.

You will need lots of help. The only thing making it doable was having the older kids self sufficient enough to do their own bath or fix themselves breakfast and get dressed etc. Three helpless toddlers and babies with no live-in nanny or grandma is a recipe for disaster.

Thanks. I'm a SAHM, we have a nanny and my parents live five minutes away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

I think it's all about age spacing. We have two under two and if we have a third I want to do it ASAP. No way am I getting out of nap and diaper stage and going backwards.

You will need lots of help. The only thing making it doable was having the older kids self sufficient enough to do their own bath or fix themselves breakfast and get dressed etc. Three helpless toddlers and babies with no live-in nanny or grandma is a recipe for disaster.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

This is missing the point. It's not that restaurants, skiing, and small SUVs are a "value", these are just the things that these PPs are highlighting as examples of a different value, which is flexibility. With a smaller family, you can bend your family to fit the world. With a larger family, you have to bend the world to fit your family. It's limiting. That doesn't mean you don't love your kids or there aren't fun things about having a big family, but it is the truth.

People talk a lot about things being "family-friendly." Is that restaurant family-friendly? Do you have family-friendly vacation ideas? Is that a family-friendly neighborhood? But the thing about a big family is that it's not very "world-friendly". It's unwieldy. People will invite you over less often (or not at all) because they don't have the space to accommodate you. People will not want to sit near your family at restaurants. Lots of activities will be prohibitively expensive because you have to pay for that 5th and even 6th ticket. Some places simply won't have room for you. And when you are out in the world together, you will often be way more focused on each other than the world around you, which will make people resentful.

It's not a judgment, just the truth. Bigger families are harder. You have to decide if that extra child is really worth those difficulties.

As a kid of a larger family, those little frustrations extended to the kids. My Dad made enough that I never qualified for financial aid, but they hadn't saved college funds for all of us and try as I could I didn't get the scholarships to make up the difference, so that big envelope from my dream school went in the trash. Other little things like I didn't get to choose what instrument I learned in band because my older sister had a flute and they couldn't afford another instrument. Made the travel team? Can't afford it.

My parents were good parents, but it's simply not the life I want for my kids.

But again, this is about money. Some families can give everyone the flute. It’s only a reason to have 2 if you can’t afford more

In the one example above yes (though its also possible PPs parents technically could have afforded another instrument but forced her to do the flute because "we already have one" which is a very common dynamic in big families regardless of income). But the previous examples aren't really about money. The PP who says that they can't take their older kids skiing, even though they are at a great age for it, because they now have a toddler again? That isn't really about money, and you can substitute lots of less expensive activities for the same problem. You can't all ride the roller coasters. You can't all go on the long hike. You can't go to the same movie. You can't even go camping in the same way you would have if you just had the older two. And stuff like going to restaurants or having a smaller car? That's not money either. It's about the fact that big families are big. They don't fit places. Everyone misses out as a result. You can only do the things that can take all of you.

Our richest friends have three kids, and they can afford it. Their kids go to private school, they travel internationally all the time, if their kids have an interest, they can satisfy it. But they struggle going out to dinner together because their kids are overwhelming in that setting. They've had a few miserable vacations (that they could afford!) because it was hard to find stuff to satisfy kids at different ages.

We have another set of friends, also three kids, also well off. We vacation with them every summer (pre-Covid). One thing people always say to us is that we'll have to let our only child bring friends on vacation when she's older because otherwise she'll be bored. Which might be true! But guess what, our friends also always let their oldest bring a friend on vacation every summer because otherwise she's the oldest of the bunch by several years, plus the only girl in the older cohort, and otherwise she'd be bored.

More kids is always more hassle, for the parents and the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

I’m not sure I would put myself in the category of the poster who has a therapy fund for her third child because she doesn’t want him around. I was trying to be honest that while I adore all three of my children three was harder than I thought it would be and shifted the dynamic in our family in a way I wasn’t prepared for (being an only child myself). The skiing was just one example. But things like that happen every weekend. The truth is with two working parents it is very very hard to spend individual time with each kid. I didn’t realize how hard that would be with three. There is no time machine so I’m leaning into it and trying my absolute best to give all three what they need but maybe there is a woman reading this who would benefit from my experience.