Anonymous
02/01/2022 15:16
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm intrigued by all of this. Can you describe exactly what's happening? Because what I'm picturing is bizarre:
BIL and some girl show up unannounced at your house, at what, like 4pm? You happen to be home, you let them in and what do they say? "Hey, are you guys around this evening, what are your dinner plans?"
You start scrambling to set out snacks and prepare dinner for another 2 adults. They're sitting in your living room? Talking to your kids? Did the girlfriend know this was what she was going to be doing all evening? It sounds very NOT fun for the gf, to be honest.
Lather, rinse, repeat every few months with a different girl?
Timing description is right.
It is more, “what are you doing on Friday or Saturday?” We say we are doing X, Y and Z. Then BIL will pick our free slot and say, “can I swing by with Molly?” Or he will say, “can I come hang out on Sunday?” Dh will say yes. He was planning to watch football and I wanted to relax at home. Then the day of, he will just say he is bringing Sandy too.
In years past, I will have my friends over and he just also invites himself to the party too. And bring his new date. Since all our friends are married with kids and the new girl is the new person, we all end up focusing on the new girl. The new girl who won’t be here next month.
Well, I don't think he is being rude or weird. If he calls and asks in advance and you or your DH agree to it, then it's okay. Especially as he has been doing it for a long time. I see how it annoys you, but different families are different and his behavior is not inappropriate in the full context. If he shows up without calling in advance, thats rude and not okay.
It sounds like you need to use your big-girl words and tell your DH and your BIL that you are no longer okay with this. And then you need to let your DH be the host and let it be terrible. I don't understand why you can't do that.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:55
Subject: Re:Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Anonymous wrote:It seems weird that after YEARS of this, it's now a problem.
You've set up a family dynamic (coming over unannounced, hanging out at your fabulous crib, eating your food, not telling in advance, bring randoms and strays along, DH is okay and fine with it) but NOW, NOW you're tired.
This is the first time I have ever vented about this on an anonymous relationship forum. BIL coming over too frequently and without notice is not new.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:51
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Anonymous wrote:I'm intrigued by all of this. Can you describe exactly what's happening? Because what I'm picturing is bizarre:
BIL and some girl show up unannounced at your house, at what, like 4pm? You happen to be home, you let them in and what do they say? "Hey, are you guys around this evening, what are your dinner plans?"
You start scrambling to set out snacks and prepare dinner for another 2 adults. They're sitting in your living room? Talking to your kids? Did the girlfriend know this was what she was going to be doing all evening? It sounds very NOT fun for the gf, to be honest.
Lather, rinse, repeat every few months with a different girl?
Timing description is right.
It is more, “what are you doing on Friday or Saturday?” We say we are doing X, Y and Z. Then BIL will pick our free slot and say, “can I swing by with Molly?” Or he will say, “can I come hang out on Sunday?” Dh will say yes. He was planning to watch football and I wanted to relax at home. Then the day of, he will just say he is bringing Sandy too.
In years past, I will have my friends over and he just also invites himself to the party too. And bring his new date. Since all our friends are married with kids and the new girl is the new person, we all end up focusing on the new girl. The new girl who won’t be here next month.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:50
Subject: Re:Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Nice way to humble brag on your mansion btw.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:49
Subject: Re:Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
It seems weird that after YEARS of this, it's now a problem.
You've set up a family dynamic (coming over unannounced, hanging out at your fabulous crib, eating your food, not telling in advance, bring randoms and strays along, DH is okay and fine with it) but NOW, NOW you're tired.
You've set up a family dynamic (coming over unannounced, hanging out at your fabulous crib, eating your food, not telling in advance, bring randoms and strays along, DH is okay and fine with it) but NOW, NOW you're tired.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:47
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Hide the alcohol, at least the expensive stuff.
It seems very clear that you have a DH problem, but also that you are unwilling to do anything to solve it. It's okay for your BIl to experience social consequences for his weird behavior, and it's okay for him to get whatever quality of hosting your DH is able to provide. Just let it suck, why is that so hard for you?.
it seems that the weird BIL apple perhaps did not fall far from the oblivious DH tree.
It seems very clear that you have a DH problem, but also that you are unwilling to do anything to solve it. It's okay for your BIl to experience social consequences for his weird behavior, and it's okay for him to get whatever quality of hosting your DH is able to provide. Just let it suck, why is that so hard for you?.
it seems that the weird BIL apple perhaps did not fall far from the oblivious DH tree.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:45
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
I'm intrigued by all of this. Can you describe exactly what's happening? Because what I'm picturing is bizarre:
BIL and some girl show up unannounced at your house, at what, like 4pm? You happen to be home, you let them in and what do they say? "Hey, are you guys around this evening, what are your dinner plans?"
You start scrambling to set out snacks and prepare dinner for another 2 adults. They're sitting in your living room? Talking to your kids? Did the girlfriend know this was what she was going to be doing all evening? It sounds very NOT fun for the gf, to be honest.
Lather, rinse, repeat every few months with a different girl?
BIL and some girl show up unannounced at your house, at what, like 4pm? You happen to be home, you let them in and what do they say? "Hey, are you guys around this evening, what are your dinner plans?"
You start scrambling to set out snacks and prepare dinner for another 2 adults. They're sitting in your living room? Talking to your kids? Did the girlfriend know this was what she was going to be doing all evening? It sounds very NOT fun for the gf, to be honest.
Lather, rinse, repeat every few months with a different girl?
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:42
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
He's treating you like family. Weird.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:42
Subject: Re:Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
It's still not clear to me how often this happens. You said somehwere it's just holidays and when MIL visits a few times a year, but then you seemed to say he comes by weekly? Is it that he comes over weekly and only brings the girls for holidays/MIL visits?
If he's bringing new girls over weekly, that definitely seems strange
If he's bringing new girls over weekly, that definitely seems strange
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:42
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So what is your husband’s role in this? What does he think? He would have dealt with this by now if he didn’t like it, right? Personally, I would allow DH to deal with this and don’t go out of your way to host when he comes over.
And also, when someone invites themselves over, you can say no.
We have discussed this multiple times. Dh said he isn’t going to say no his brother if he wants to come over.
Since I am the one preparing the meals, I have to feed them. I don’t mind BIL that much. I am used to it. I just don’t want to host these random girls.
Why does it bother you so much?
Omg we don’t have people over often. I don’t want to host BIL’s dates.
Dh actually doesn’t like when people come over so we rarely host. We live in a 10,000+ sf house and used to throw big parties before Covid. We have not had many people over at all since Covid.
That's like a baseball field size house.
We have comfortable entertaining areas. BIL used OUR house to host HIS dates. That is what is annoying and bizarre to me.
Go on a few dates, probably have sex, let’s go to my brother’s house uninvited. Does that seem normal?
It's not normal at all, but it isn't going to change until you change your behavior. Either tell your BIL to stop bringing women over, or dump the problem on your DH.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:39
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
I don't understand the problem. When my BIL was single, we were always asking him to come by so we could meet his GF. He has not had many so it wasn't like a constant stream of women but the few that there have been we have always wanted to meet. Why? Because we love him and want the best for him, and want to be involved in each other's lives.
Is it like 10+ different girls? I honestly don't get the issue
Is it like 10+ different girls? I honestly don't get the issue
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:37
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP will not answer how often this is happening, so I am reserving my opinion until we get this info...
Op here. This happens every holiday and anytime his mother visits us. She lives out of state. She visits a few times per year. He also invited himself over frequently (once per week). I don’t care about this that much. It is dh’s only brother. He wants free food, hang out, whatever. Now he wants to bring these girls to our house too.
It is annoying because I may have to get ready. I don’t want to be wearing just sweats if we have guests. I can’t put out leftovers and most likely have to burn 2 dinners I had planned for the week and they always overstay and suck up our time.
It sounds like it is not just random then. And it sounds like by allowing it, you have caused him to think it's okay for him to do.
I think you need to put way way way more of the hosting work on your DH. Why is it that you cannot wear sweats and put out leftovers, though? Normal hosting rules do not apply to people who are not invited.
Dh is a terrible host. He is also bad at feeding our children.
Before Covid, of course we hosted more frequently. Dh’s friends come by. Dh will not offer them anything. He is just that clueless. Of course I put out appetizers, snacks, etc. people love to overstay at our house and yes, often it is because I am hospital and a good host.
When I do the inviting, I anticipate feeding people meals always. I don’t know if they will stay but I will always offer.
BIL also drinks our good alcohol. The alcohol that may go for $100 per pour, he just helps himself at our house. Ugh. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am getting.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:35
Subject: Re:Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
It sounds like he is close with his brother and wants to socialize with him, along with his current gf. It doesn't seem that weird to me. I'm sure he will get serious with one of them eventually.
That said, given that the burden of hosting always falls on you, what would happen if you told DH that you didn't feel up to having people over, and suggested that you met at a restaurant instead?
That said, given that the burden of hosting always falls on you, what would happen if you told DH that you didn't feel up to having people over, and suggested that you met at a restaurant instead?
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:27
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So what is your husband’s role in this? What does he think? He would have dealt with this by now if he didn’t like it, right? Personally, I would allow DH to deal with this and don’t go out of your way to host when he comes over.
And also, when someone invites themselves over, you can say no.
We have discussed this multiple times. Dh said he isn’t going to say no his brother if he wants to come over.
Since I am the one preparing the meals, I have to feed them. I don’t mind BIL that much. I am used to it. I just don’t want to host these random girls.
Why does it bother you so much?
Omg we don’t have people over often. I don’t want to host BIL’s dates.
Dh actually doesn’t like when people come over so we rarely host. We live in a 10,000+ sf house and used to throw big parties before Covid. We have not had many people over at all since Covid.
That's like a baseball field size house.
We have comfortable entertaining areas. BIL used OUR house to host HIS dates. That is what is annoying and bizarre to me.
Go on a few dates, probably have sex, let’s go to my brother’s house uninvited. Does that seem normal?
The way you assume that is definitely not normal. I highly suspect your BIL or any other normal guy thinks like that. But you do clearly.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:25
Subject: Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think he brings the girlfriend because he doesn't want to have any personal conversations and the food is free.
Bingo!
Yep. Do you nag him? Make him feel like crap? Treat him poorly? Don’t respect his boundaries? The GF is good get out of jail free card