We don't make more work for ourselves than necessary. The examples that come to mind from the Xmas season: No elf on a shelf, no Xmas light show in our yard, no need to make something from scratch if we can inexpensively purchase a good equivalent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I read these, my question is always where are the flexible and well paying jobs? Did you have them before kids or what?

Check out flexjobs.com and flexprofessionals.com. Even LinkedIn lets you sort by part time and some other options now. I personally had a flexible/well paying job before I had kids but I kind of stumbled into it and I can never look back. Now I have 20 years of experience and a pretty awesome career track record, so if someone wants to hire me, they have to be cool w/it being a flexible schedule--I make that clear in interviews. If they dont feel comfortable with my working from home a lot of the time or being able to flex my hours on snow days/kids home bc of covid days/etc., then I won't take the job.

I had mine before kids, straight out of grad school. A very small consulting firm (15 people) with a very stable government client base. At the time, my manager had preschool-aged children of his own and his wife had a less flexible job so he valued flexibility. At times I've thought that I should "lean in" more and work for a big consulting firm, but this is stable, well paying and flexible, and while the upward trajectory is slow due to our structure, it is happening for me.

Government jobs are also flexible and well-paying. Even in the IC, where you can't work from home, you can easily take time off for appointments, sick days etc. My husband was in his late 40s when we had our kids and he decided he's not screwing around - kids are his top priority and he's turned down opportunities at work because it would reduce his flexibility. But he's really, really good at his job and it has not impacted his reputation, and he's been able to get other opportunities that do work with our family life.

Being trustworthy and really good at your job can buy you a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a newborn and 3.5 year old and am extremely unhappy with my life right now no childcare no school no family. Just chiming in as I’m reading about these happy families with all the help, smiles, money, and sunny dispositions.

You're so in the thick of it right now. Note how few posters there are with newborns!

Why no school or childcare for your 3.5yo? I would have struggled tremendously if my toddler had been home full time when I had a newborn.

Agreed! That is the same age gap of my kids. I remember I (naively) took my oldest child out of daycare when the little one was born--the daycare was cool w/us taking a leave of absence for the time I was on maternity leave and saved our spot. Which is good, because that lasted 2 days until I sent him back to daycare. 3.5 is a hard age, with potty training, learning to communicate, learning to control emotions, etc. And newborns are just generally hard.

Anonymous wrote:When I read these, my question is always where are the flexible and well paying jobs? Did you have them before kids or what?

Check out flexjobs.com and flexprofessionals.com. Even LinkedIn lets you sort by part time and some other options now. I personally had a flexible/well paying job before I had kids but I kind of stumbled into it and I can never look back. Now I have 20 years of experience and a pretty awesome career track record, so if someone wants to hire me, they have to be cool w/it being a flexible schedule--I make that clear in interviews. If they dont feel comfortable with my working from home a lot of the time or being able to flex my hours on snow days/kids home bc of covid days/etc., then I won't take the job.

We have two kids (5 and 8). We are happy enough, combined salary btw $150-$200k so not a TON of money to throw around but enough.

- Cleaning people come once/month

- Lawn service every week (in season). They also do leaf pickup and spring/fall cleaning. We also have an in-ground sprinkler so we dont have to even mess w/watering the grass if we dont want to. When we moved in, we took out all high-maintenance landscaping and replaced it with easy stuff.

- DH WAH 100%, I WAH 50ish% of the time

- I gave up my dreams of career greatness and found a nice job thats challenging enough and pays enough and is very flexible and my boss is awesome

- Our kids have 1 or 2 activities each, and thats it. At their ages, no need to schlep them around to a bunch of stuff that isnt necessary. And the activities they do have are all close to our house. Neither are going to be an Olympic swimmer for instance, so no need to drive through rush hour to get to Machine when we have a goldfish swim school that doesn't involve getting on 66

- Along those lines, we see no need to schedule a bunch of random playdates--our kids have friends they see all day at school. If they are invited somewhere, they go or if they really really really want a playdate with someone we will arrange it. Otherwise, no need to invent more work for DH and I.

- Both kids are in school from 830/9 to about 3/330. That is SUCH a gamechanger. If you have a kid in preschool, find one that has an after-care option. This 9-12 crap is for the birds.

- We know exactly which parent is responsible for what--who does drop off, pick up, bedtime, shuttling around to what activity, etc.

- We use paper plates for pretty much every meal.

- We order takeout at least 1-2 times/week, if not more.

- We have no qualms with giving our kids easy convenience food like microwave mac and cheese cups, apple slices and baby carrots for dinner.

- We purchase as much online as we can and have it delivered/do pick up at the store. It saves so much time. Even our groceries are delivered unless it is something we absolutely need right away.

- DH and I each have a good social support network (independent of each other) and each of us prioritizes seeing our friends regularly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a newborn and 3.5 year old and am extremely unhappy with my life right now no childcare no school no family. Just chiming in as I’m reading about these happy families with all the help, smiles, money, and sunny dispositions.

Chicken Little DCUMers tried to scare me into giving up childcare when I had a newborn to eliminate COVID risk (ie pull my older child out of preschool and tell my nanny to stay home). I am SO glad I did not listen to them. Mental health is important too.

I put my daughter in preschool in the summer of 2020. I then went into a gigantic guilt and fear spiral but it was honestly the best decision I could have made at that time when I had a newborn at home and my daughter was desperate for social interaction with peers and I was desperate for solo time with the baby.

You made the right decision. I shudder to think I *almost* followed DCUM advice until I talked to my pediatrician and she said it’s fine/good to keep childcare, especially as I’m breastfeeding and vaccinated/boosted. Don’t ever forget when getting advice that this site is full of anxiety-filled people.

Agree with all PPs but adding that while I'm very happy right now with my 4 yr old in PK, I was miserable in the fall of 2020 because our then-childcare went out of business during the shutdown (so never reopened) and then our original plan for the year -- public PK -- was removed as an option when the school district went virtual. It took us almost 5 months to find a spot in another program because everyone else was scrambling too, and it was only part time. In the meantime we scratched by with sitters and a short-lived daycamp our kid absolutely hated. Back then, when I came on DCUM, I'd be told I was dumb for failing to find childcare during a massive childcare shortage/crisis, and for not having the money or foresight to be able to hire a full-time nanny. Oh, and I also got furloughed PT that year so we were short 20k for the year over our expected earnings.

Childcare isn't important, it's ESSENTIAL. Our kid is now in FT public PK plus aftercare and I feel like we honestly could not be happier, even with the delay on vaccines for this age group and other Covid restrictions. But going without adequate childcare for months and months was traumatic for my family and we are still dealing with some repercussions. One of them being the sheer rage I feel when I think about how much families were just abandoned during the pandemic to "figure it out" and how that burden fell much harder on families with in-person work, very young kids, and limited finances.

What options should have been made available to parents? I never know what people mean when they say more support for parents during the pandemic. More flexibility from their jobs? Stipends from the govt? Most professionals didn’t lose their jobs or have to go into the office unlike frontline workers.

DP and yes to both of the bolded. More money from the government for existing childcare options and also to create new ones, recognizing how vital they are. A stronger national push to have kept schools open in-person, not the snotty "school isn't daycare" gaslighting we were treated to. Recognition that stressed parents make for stressed kids, which isn't good for their development.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a newborn and 3.5 year old and am extremely unhappy with my life right now no childcare no school no family. Just chiming in as I’m reading about these happy families with all the help, smiles, money, and sunny dispositions.

Chicken Little DCUMers tried to scare me into giving up childcare when I had a newborn to eliminate COVID risk (ie pull my older child out of preschool and tell my nanny to stay home). I am SO glad I did not listen to them. Mental health is important too.

I put my daughter in preschool in the summer of 2020. I then went into a gigantic guilt and fear spiral but it was honestly the best decision I could have made at that time when I had a newborn at home and my daughter was desperate for social interaction with peers and I was desperate for solo time with the baby.

You made the right decision. I shudder to think I *almost* followed DCUM advice until I talked to my pediatrician and she said it’s fine/good to keep childcare, especially as I’m breastfeeding and vaccinated/boosted. Don’t ever forget when getting advice that this site is full of anxiety-filled people.

Agree with all PPs but adding that while I'm very happy right now with my 4 yr old in PK, I was miserable in the fall of 2020 because our then-childcare went out of business during the shutdown (so never reopened) and then our original plan for the year -- public PK -- was removed as an option when the school district went virtual. It took us almost 5 months to find a spot in another program because everyone else was scrambling too, and it was only part time. In the meantime we scratched by with sitters and a short-lived daycamp our kid absolutely hated. Back then, when I came on DCUM, I'd be told I was dumb for failing to find childcare during a massive childcare shortage/crisis, and for not having the money or foresight to be able to hire a full-time nanny. Oh, and I also got furloughed PT that year so we were short 20k for the year over our expected earnings.

Childcare isn't important, it's ESSENTIAL. Our kid is now in FT public PK plus aftercare and I feel like we honestly could not be happier, even with the delay on vaccines for this age group and other Covid restrictions. But going without adequate childcare for months and months was traumatic for my family and we are still dealing with some repercussions. One of them being the sheer rage I feel when I think about how much families were just abandoned during the pandemic to "figure it out" and how that burden fell much harder on families with in-person work, very young kids, and limited finances.

What options should have been made available to parents? I never know what people mean when they say more support for parents during the pandemic. More flexibility from their jobs? Stipends from the govt? Most professionals didn’t lose their jobs or have to go into the office unlike frontline workers.

Here is why I think we are generally pretty happy:

I work from home, do all picks ups and drop offs, provide the rides for ECs, and I am very involved at school.

I am divorced and their dad is not a big part of their life. That really helps because there is comfort in knowing it is all on me, and from the smallest to the biggest decisions, it's up to me.

My oldest is only 10 but very mature and helpful. I do think it gets better as they move toward upper elementary.

My kids are very well-behaved. That's partly my parenting and largely their personalities. They are strong students.

My parents are somewhat helpful.

I do not have financial stress.

Some aspects of my life are stressful (certain family members). I manage this well by being positive, maintaining boundaries, and rejecting a victim mentality.

I have a youthful personality and it helps me relate well to my children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a newborn and 3.5 year old and am extremely unhappy with my life right now no childcare no school no family. Just chiming in as I’m reading about these happy families with all the help, smiles, money, and sunny dispositions.

Chicken Little DCUMers tried to scare me into giving up childcare when I had a newborn to eliminate COVID risk (ie pull my older child out of preschool and tell my nanny to stay home). I am SO glad I did not listen to them. Mental health is important too.

I put my daughter in preschool in the summer of 2020. I then went into a gigantic guilt and fear spiral but it was honestly the best decision I could have made at that time when I had a newborn at home and my daughter was desperate for social interaction with peers and I was desperate for solo time with the baby.

You made the right decision. I shudder to think I *almost* followed DCUM advice until I talked to my pediatrician and she said it’s fine/good to keep childcare, especially as I’m breastfeeding and vaccinated/boosted. Don’t ever forget when getting advice that this site is full of anxiety-filled people.

Agree with all PPs but adding that while I'm very happy right now with my 4 yr old in PK, I was miserable in the fall of 2020 because our then-childcare went out of business during the shutdown (so never reopened) and then our original plan for the year -- public PK -- was removed as an option when the school district went virtual. It took us almost 5 months to find a spot in another program because everyone else was scrambling too, and it was only part time. In the meantime we scratched by with sitters and a short-lived daycamp our kid absolutely hated. Back then, when I came on DCUM, I'd be told I was dumb for failing to find childcare during a massive childcare shortage/crisis, and for not having the money or foresight to be able to hire a full-time nanny. Oh, and I also got furloughed PT that year so we were short 20k for the year over our expected earnings.

Childcare isn't important, it's ESSENTIAL. Our kid is now in FT public PK plus aftercare and I feel like we honestly could not be happier, even with the delay on vaccines for this age group and other Covid restrictions. But going without adequate childcare for months and months was traumatic for my family and we are still dealing with some repercussions. One of them being the sheer rage I feel when I think about how much families were just abandoned during the pandemic to "figure it out" and how that burden fell much harder on families with in-person work, very young kids, and limited finances.

Very happy. 6 and 8 year old. Equal partner (or TBH my husband does more than me). We both are full time teleworking for now and the kids are in aftercare.

I’m a widower with two young kids (3 and 6) and I feel like I’m happy enough given my circumstances. I have no help at all with them aside from the the fact that they are in school/preschool while I’m at work. There are of course moments of frustration but I make it all work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a newborn and 3.5 year old and am extremely unhappy with my life right now no childcare no school no family. Just chiming in as I’m reading about these happy families with all the help, smiles, money, and sunny dispositions.

Chicken Little DCUMers tried to scare me into giving up childcare when I had a newborn to eliminate COVID risk (ie pull my older child out of preschool and tell my nanny to stay home). I am SO glad I did not listen to them. Mental health is important too.

I put my daughter in preschool in the summer of 2020. I then went into a gigantic guilt and fear spiral but it was honestly the best decision I could have made at that time when I had a newborn at home and my daughter was desperate for social interaction with peers and I was desperate for solo time with the baby.

You made the right decision. I shudder to think I *almost* followed DCUM advice until I talked to my pediatrician and she said it’s fine/good to keep childcare, especially as I’m breastfeeding and vaccinated/boosted. Don’t ever forget when getting advice that this site is full of anxiety-filled people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a newborn and 3.5 year old and am extremely unhappy with my life right now no childcare no school no family. Just chiming in as I’m reading about these happy families with all the help, smiles, money, and sunny dispositions.

Chicken Little DCUMers tried to scare me into giving up childcare when I had a newborn to eliminate COVID risk (ie pull my older child out of preschool and tell my nanny to stay home). I am SO glad I did not listen to them. Mental health is important too.

I put my daughter in preschool in the summer of 2020. I then went into a gigantic guilt and fear spiral but it was honestly the best decision I could have made at that time when I had a newborn at home and my daughter was desperate for social interaction with peers and I was desperate for solo time with the baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having multiple miscarriages between baby number one and baby number two kind of shifted my perspective that nothing is guaranteed in this world and you got to appreciate what you have.

Other things that really help are doing a lot of divide and conquer with my husband where one person is responsible for one child and the other person is taking on the other child.

We also have a relative who babysits the toddler so that really makes life easier in the morning so we only having to do one drop off

Ha, this is funny - I'm a previous happy poster - and one thing that helps me a lot is to NOT do divide and conquer as much. Some, yes, as we both want quality one on one time with the kids. But one of us doing "double duty" a fair amount of the time means the other gets a true break, and that is priceless. On Saturday I was "off" until 10:45, and then again from 1pm till 4pm. There are some naps in there, but still. And my husband similarly got long breaks.

This is a great example of different strokes for different folk

We definitely do double duty some of the time but there are times when having two kids and one adult really stresses us out so it just makes more sense to divide and conquer. We are also dealing with a pretty significant age gap so they are doing different activities.

We are pretty happy with everyday life.

We have two kids (3 and 5). They can be a handful, but they are sweet kids and don't have any significant medical issues. We have a great full-time nanny who has been with us for years, and also have cleaners and a dog walker. We are able to outsource a lot.

We live in a medium COL area and make in the $500k-600k range. We both work full-time. We have a fair amount of autonomy in our jobs, and we rarely work weekends or evenings. We do have jobs that require some work on vacations, and sometimes there are late nights and weekends, but overall it is very manageable. We have both accepted that it's part of our jobs, and so we don't really get that fussed if we need to address some emails outside of 9-5 window. The tradeoff is that I have a lot of flexibility and have no problem taking myself for a manicure on a Tuesday afternoon. I primarily work from home, but I'm a short commute to the office (less than 15 minutes) if I need or want to come in.

Both sides of our families are local, so we have back-up support. My family in particular steps up whenever our nanny is on vacation or needs a day off, no questions asked.

I actually enjoy the domestic side of life, and so I like meal planning and cooking and I even enjoy cleaning (sometimes!). Frankly, I wish I had more time to do it myself. My husband understands that he needs to muck in and keep things moving on the home front. He gives the kids baths, wakes up with them in the night, and handles their admin as much as I do.