Anonymous wrote:I’d save for a nice over 55 community with various levels of care. I had relatives in a nice one and it was so great—library, shuttle to doctors/mall, movie theater on premises, game room, dining room, activities, staff to help you change lightbulbs.
Short of that, a faith community, or sometimes chosen family. Like if you had a younger neighbor or colleague that yiu help when they are in the sandwich crush, they may be grateful and help you when you are old. There are people like that but you can’t really count on it.

Yes some kind of community you can move into with care - not at 55 necessarily, perhaps in your 70s.

Very sorry to be negative but you can absolutely not count on neighbours, colleagues and even friends. Neighbours and colleagues will not be around for the decade plus as you get older and older - and unfortunately friends wane or are unable to assist as they are getting old themselves & some have passed etc. Even church members won't help - they don't notice people in their 80s who quielty stop attending church as time passes.

How do I know this? First hand experience of elderly parents and parents-in-law.

It seems like it is mostly their younger female relatives taking elderly patients to their appointments and advocating for them with the medical professionals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

OP again.
You hit the nail on the head.

As I stated in my first post, my DH and I are childless. We will never have grandchildren.
DH is 9 years older than me.
Potential social isolation can be solved, as you say. Either we move into a 55+ community later in life (even if we had wanted to age in place) or we hire people to take care of us. But we don't have the financial resources to pay for aides and other helpers 24/7 for years and years.

What happens when one of us dies and the other becomes cognitively impaired? Even in an appropriate facility you would need a trusted person to make all kinds of decisions for you.

And who will be with you to keep you company and hold your hand in your final days? I don't want to die with just medical staff (strangers) around me. The thought alone is hideous.

OP I am confused. Here is a direct quote from you on this post:

"This is OP here.

Perhaps to some readers my post came across in a way I didn't want it to. I do not expect my extended family to take care of me and/or my husband when we're old. They wouldn't be able to anyway because of distance - they live a 6-7 hours drive away."

It sounds like you said you don't expect these family members to be there for you, but ultimately that is what you want.

No, she is lamenting the fact that there is no one in her life who will be there for her.

She is not specifically talking about these relatives.

NP-this has been an interesting thread. Thank you OP for initiating. I am also childless-my DH and I are in our late 40's. My family as a whole is not super close. We do have nieces that we love dearly but I would never expect them to help us in old age. Honestly, even if I had kids I don't think I would expect much help from them as I age-as many have stated they have their own lives to live, they may be living far away, may not be capable of handing your finances or taking care of you, etc. It's wonderful when it works out and children and grandchildren are willingly there for their elders but so many times it doesn't. I would never, ever want to be a burden to someone or have them visit or care for me out of obligation. Quite frankly, my 76 year old mother is still independent and not reliant on my brother or I for care but I don't really enjoy her company very much and my time spent with her is primarily obligatory. She's always been a self-involved person and wasn't a very good parent-her self-centeredness just seems to get worse with age.

In a general sense, I think old age can be a lonely time in life for many people regardless of the circumstances. At that point you have had friends, family and possibly your spouse die...it's never easy even in ideal circumstances.

I don't know how I'm going to feel, where I will want to live or what I will want to do if I make it to my elderly years (who knows what the world will be like then and what technology will be available) but in the meantime my DH and I take care of ourselves physically, save money, spend time with friends (and to a much lesser extent family), do things we enjoy and hope for the best. I admittedly tend to be a bit of a loner-I'm an introvert who doesn't like being around a ton of people a lot of the time so I'm sure that influences my perspective. Regardless, no one really knows what the future will bring. Dying with family/loved ones there to hold your hand as you pass is a lovely thought but a lot of the time for various reasons (many completely our of our control) it just doesn't happen that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

OP again.
You hit the nail on the head.

As I stated in my first post, my DH and I are childless. We will never have grandchildren.
DH is 9 years older than me.
Potential social isolation can be solved, as you say. Either we move into a 55+ community later in life (even if we had wanted to age in place) or we hire people to take care of us. But we don't have the financial resources to pay for aides and other helpers 24/7 for years and years.

What happens when one of us dies and the other becomes cognitively impaired? Even in an appropriate facility you would need a trusted person to make all kinds of decisions for you.

And who will be with you to keep you company and hold your hand in your final days? I don't want to die with just medical staff (strangers) around me. The thought alone is hideous.

OP I am confused. Here is a direct quote from you on this post:

"This is OP here.

Perhaps to some readers my post came across in a way I didn't want it to. I do not expect my extended family to take care of me and/or my husband when we're old. They wouldn't be able to anyway because of distance - they live a 6-7 hours drive away."

It sounds like you said you don't expect these family members to be there for you, but ultimately that is what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

OP again.
You hit the nail on the head.

As I stated in my first post, my DH and I are childless. We will never have grandchildren.
DH is 9 years older than me.
Potential social isolation can be solved, as you say. Either we move into a 55+ community later in life (even if we had wanted to age in place) or we hire people to take care of us. But we don't have the financial resources to pay for aides and other helpers 24/7 for years and years.

What happens when one of us dies and the other becomes cognitively impaired? Even in an appropriate facility you would need a trusted person to make all kinds of decisions for you.

And who will be with you to keep you company and hold your hand in your final days? I don't want to die with just medical staff (strangers) around me. The thought alone is hideous.

Yes. I don't know the answer to it, and it is a very, very hard question.

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

OP again.
You hit the nail on the head.

As I stated in my first post, my DH and I are childless. We will never have grandchildren.
DH is 9 years older than me.
Potential social isolation can be solved, as you say. Either we move into a 55+ community later in life (even if we had wanted to age in place) or we hire people to take care of us. But we don't have the financial resources to pay for aides and other helpers 24/7 for years and years.

What happens when one of us dies and the other becomes cognitively impaired? Even in an appropriate facility you would need a trusted person to make all kinds of decisions for you.

And who will be with you to keep you company and hold your hand in your final days? I don't want to die with just medical staff (strangers) around me. The thought alone is hideous.

Perfectly. Though being lectured by naive people is admittedly a bit irksome.


Thanks for inquiring after my welfare, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are taking the word "advocate" very literally.

This could mean being at Drs appts, listening, weighing alternatives, deciding on care, doing research to determine best alternatives.

No one said a thing about extending someones life beyond what they want.

Stop projecting.

You can hire a case manager to do these things. Often times families burn out from this stuff. Elderly are living longer. It's no longer doing this for a few years. It can be 20 years of it and by then you have your own health issues and so does your spouse and you have to decide that that is more important. I have been at this for a long time and have seen our friends and people we have met through support groups go through it. It is a huge burden when they have many health issues and live a long time and anyone who knows the reality is going to set limits with a relative who wants to get close and might ask you to be their person. At some point you decide you have to have more boundaries with your own family and after enough times you hire people they can use so you can advocate for your own health. I have known far too many people who developed cancer, diabetes, heart issues, etc while being there for their own parents and they finally had to stop being there so much for their own parents and start attending their own doctor's appointments and focusing on self-care. In the first few years of being the support person for parents and inlaws I might have agreed with you, but honestly now I think we all should have a plan to pay people to be there because if we live a long life with many medical issues we cannot keep expecting our kids to escort us to doctor's appointments, and other things.

I have seen it, too. Get off the lecture wagon.

Family member had a stroke and needed some sort of assistance (financial guidance, health care issues) for 18 years.

I am saying, from my experience, no paid advocate would have been able to suffice.

Are you OK? You seem incapable of discussion without snide comments.

Anonymous wrote:And for what it's worth, after the stroke happened (at a relatively young age, totally unexpectedly), he was in no position to make any competent decisions about hiring anyone.

He would have been sucked dry by charlatans in a heartbeat.

You hire the person in advance. We have family members without children who did this. It worked fine. In families with children there were quite a few feuds when the elderly parent lived a long life with many health events. When there are just a few health events over many years it goes smoother. Eventually people have to deal with their own health. My brother deals with family lawsuits all the time where one sibling or more took advantage of the elderly parent. It's more common than you think. Yous eem to think you have all the answers and there is one way to do things and you miss all the gray areas and complications.

OP claims she is just looking for friendship anyway, but if she needs people to come to the doctor's appointments and drive her home from the hospital she will need to hire people if this a long haul. The most you can ask from people with their own families and stressors is to hope they visit you in the hospital and it is their choice.

And for what it's worth, after the stroke happened (at a relatively young age, totally unexpectedly), he was in no position to make any competent decisions about hiring anyone.

He would have been sucked dry by charlatans in a heartbeat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are taking the word "advocate" very literally.

This could mean being at Drs appts, listening, weighing alternatives, deciding on care, doing research to determine best alternatives.

No one said a thing about extending someones life beyond what they want.

Stop projecting.

You can hire a case manager to do these things. Often times families burn out from this stuff. Elderly are living longer. It's no longer doing this for a few years. It can be 20 years of it and by then you have your own health issues and so does your spouse and you have to decide that that is more important. I have been at this for a long time and have seen our friends and people we have met through support groups go through it. It is a huge burden when they have many health issues and live a long time and anyone who knows the reality is going to set limits with a relative who wants to get close and might ask you to be their person. At some point you decide you have to have more boundaries with your own family and after enough times you hire people they can use so you can advocate for your own health. I have known far too many people who developed cancer, diabetes, heart issues, etc while being there for their own parents and they finally had to stop being there so much for their own parents and start attending their own doctor's appointments and focusing on self-care. In the first few years of being the support person for parents and inlaws I might have agreed with you, but honestly now I think we all should have a plan to pay people to be there because if we live a long life with many medical issues we cannot keep expecting our kids to escort us to doctor's appointments, and other things.

I have seen it, too. Get off the lecture wagon.

Family member had a stroke and needed some sort of assistance (financial guidance, health care issues) for 18 years.

I am saying, from my experience, no paid advocate would have been able to suffice.

Anonymous wrote:You are taking the word "advocate" very literally.

This could mean being at Drs appts, listening, weighing alternatives, deciding on care, doing research to determine best alternatives.

No one said a thing about extending someones life beyond what they want.

Stop projecting.

You can hire a case manager to do these things. Often times families burn out from this stuff. Elderly are living longer. It's no longer doing this for a few years. It can be 20 years of it and by then you have your own health issues and so does your spouse and you have to decide that that is more important. I have been at this for a long time and have seen our friends and people we have met through support groups go through it. It is a huge burden when they have many health issues and live a long time and anyone who knows the reality is going to set limits with a relative who wants to get close and might ask you to be their person. At some point you decide you have to have more boundaries with your own family and after enough times you hire people they can use so you can advocate for your own health. I have known far too many people who developed cancer, diabetes, heart issues, etc while being there for their own parents and they finally had to stop being there so much for their own parents and start attending their own doctor's appointments and focusing on self-care. In the first few years of being the support person for parents and inlaws I might have agreed with you, but honestly now I think we all should have a plan to pay people to be there because if we live a long life with many medical issues we cannot keep expecting our kids to escort us to doctor's appointments, and other things.

You are taking the word "advocate" very literally.

This could mean being at Drs appts, listening, weighing alternatives, deciding on care, doing research to determine best alternatives.

No one said a thing about extending someones life beyond what they want.

Stop projecting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

It was talked about early on. You can hire people. If you think that is risky I can assure you plenty of adult children do shady things that screw parents and siblings. Also, your family has a right to say "no" especially if they aren't close to you or feel you suddenly got close to them for favors.

Be real. You can't really hire people who are going to show up at the ER to pick you up at 1am when you have been released from being fixed up from a breaking an arm and you are gaga on painkillers. And no, you will not be taking an Uber as a frail, semi out of it, elderly person.

Hiring someone to truly be your advocate when you are sick is very challenging.

Hiring someone to manage your finances and not screw it up or steal from you is also challenging. Sure, family members could steal from you, but it is less likely they are going to steal from you. Or leave you stranded at the ER.

You also need to keep in mind that the first say dozen incidents over a span of years your family may be advocating. As you get more difficult and the emergencies increase you would be surprised how many families burn out. We should all hope to die peacefully in our sleep. Also, you may NOT want someone to advocate. My father was kept alive in a vegetable state because mom felt she needed to ADVOCATE because he might miraculously recover completely. I get the sense you have an idealized view of what this all looks like. Sure if you have one emergency during old age you might have a network rallying around you. This reminds me a lot of my mother. She didn't help much with her own family or inlaws and she had all sorts of magical ideas about how things work and what everyone else much do. The first time she had to do anything to help dad she fell apart and became bitter and resentful. It was downhill from there and even with our help, round the clock hired help and more she could not cope and was erupting often. We are talking about someone with money who wasn't working and had her faculties. Imagine balancing it with a job and parents and kids of your own. She had caregivers to do everything and had the option of putting him in residential and she was angry at HIM for having issues.