Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.

I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.

Could you work after the youngest is in kindergarten? I think a lot of companies have become more understanding about SAHM resume gaps. Mine was short (2 years) but was never an issue. If you learn a language or a concrete skill while you're not working, it helps.

Four kids is a lot to handle on your own.

I think you should:

1. Get him to help with some things between after school and dinner/bed time.

2. Set a schedule of how he is going to reduce his drinking.

Obviously he needs to address the alcohol but in the meantime you should shift as much of possible of the morning routine to his responsibility before bed. He fills water bottles, lays out mittens and boots for each child along with their backpack and includes snacks if not full lunch.

You and your husband and tiptoeing around this. He is most likely an alcoholic —
Not someone that just needs to cut back a little.

Please go to Al Anon and find a therapist for you that specializes in addiction. Your husband isn’t even close to figuring out how to deal with this, and you have four kids to protect. I get why you are not working right now, but you have got to start saving money (unless you are already loaded) and you need to start thinking about how you will get back into the workforce ASAP.

You now have a high likelihood of divorce in your future. You don’t have to figure that out right this second, but you do need to keep this in mind with every decision you make.

Hire an am or pm sitter. I assume you are a SAHM. I hope he Makes a ton.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I counted bottles.

He had 9 IPAs last night after I went to bed. Like 8% IPAs. We talked about it today. He admitted he has a drinking problem that’s gotten progressively worse during the pandemic.

Now what? He says he plans to cut back on his own. But doesn’t want to talk to me about how. He does not seem to be able to connect the drinking to his inability to get up in the morning. Still saying he just needs more sleep than me. <insert all the the eye rolls here> He strolled downstairs close to 10am today yawning and stretching and asking if the cold coffee left in the pot is from today… or yesterday… (it was from today but cold bc I made it over 3 hours before he showed up…while I was wrangling kids, alone)

I am not well. I’m reeling. I need a book, a class, a podcast, and/or someone to talk to about this.

Tell him zero drinking for a week, see what happens

Tell him to stop drinking and take melatonin

This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.

I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a sahm?

I have a friend who is a sahm with 2 kids and has major problems with her Dh being like yours. Her Dh works from home and he also cannot get up to help with kids, only a few minutes before his work day. She was ok with this but he wouldn’t help on weekends either.

She used to say this in passing for years but I thought it was not a big deal. They almost separated. She is no longer in love with him. Her Dh got a wake up call since she was about to leave him and now he is stepping up on weekends at least. She still handles morning duty. He didn’t help when she was a working mom.

It is unclear if OP works or not. She needs to compare leisure hours. If she is free everyday from 9-2 that’s 3 hrs a day, 15 hrs a week thar maybe her DH is using in the mornings to sleep in, including weekends.

She doesn’t mention the rest of the day, so he is probably in the thick of it with her.

You should just nap after drop off, or read a book then.

If you DO work OP, WTF?? Four kids?? I would drink too. He better be snipped.

I don't know why OP is being silent on whether she is a SAHM or not.

If she doesnt work, I could see her DH thinking that is her job. If she does work, seriously WTF.

Take him to a pulmonologist. He might need a cpap machine.

Anonymous wrote:Are you a sahm?

I have a friend who is a sahm with 2 kids and has major problems with her Dh being like yours. Her Dh works from home and he also cannot get up to help with kids, only a few minutes before his work day. She was ok with this but he wouldn’t help on weekends either.

She used to say this in passing for years but I thought it was not a big deal. They almost separated. She is no longer in love with him. Her Dh got a wake up call since she was about to leave him and now he is stepping up on weekends at least. She still handles morning duty. He didn’t help when she was a working mom.

It is unclear if OP works or not. She needs to compare leisure hours. If she is free everyday from 9-2 that’s 3 hrs a day, 15 hrs a week thar maybe her DH is using in the mornings to sleep in, including weekends.

She doesn’t mention the rest of the day, so he is probably in the thick of it with her.

You should just nap after drop off, or read a book then.

If you DO work OP, WTF?? Four kids?? I would drink too. He better be snipped.

Are you a sahm?

I have a friend who is a sahm with 2 kids and has major problems with her Dh being like yours. Her Dh works from home and he also cannot get up to help with kids, only a few minutes before his work day. She was ok with this but he wouldn’t help on weekends either.

She used to say this in passing for years but I thought it was not a big deal. They almost separated. She is no longer in love with him. Her Dh got a wake up call since she was about to leave him and now he is stepping up on weekends at least. She still handles morning duty. He didn’t help when she was a working mom.

Ignore the trolls, OP.

You need Al-Anon. And a good therapist so that you can stand up to your DH’s bullshit. This is a serious situation. Get yourself a support team ASAP.

If you are a sahm that’s your job
Also you have 4 kids so divorce can be problematic
I suggest you calm down and accept your life

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I counted bottles.

He had 9 IPAs last night after I went to bed. Like 8% IPAs. We talked about it today. He admitted he has a drinking problem that’s gotten progressively worse during the pandemic.

Now what? He says he plans to cut back on his own. But doesn’t want to talk to me about how. He does not seem to be able to connect the drinking to his inability to get up in the morning. Still saying he just needs more sleep than me. <insert all the the eye rolls here> He strolled downstairs close to 10am today yawning and stretching and asking if the cold coffee left in the pot is from today… or yesterday… (it was from today but cold bc I made it over 3 hours before he showed up…while I was wrangling kids, alone)

I am not well. I’m reeling. I need a book, a class, a podcast, and/or someone to talk to about this.

22:33 here. This is a good step forward. You are both naming the problem correctly. He's an alcoholic. Cutting back on his own is not a sustainable solution though. He's probably going to have some physical withdrawals that will be pretty lousy and may send him back to the bottle. If he doesn't know where to begin, he can speak with his doctor or go to an AA meeting.

However he handles it, you need more and better support for yourself. Al-anon is a good place for you to start. There are people there who can talk to you about this and point you to reading and other resources.

FYI - identifying and making amends for the consequences of alcohol-driven behavior is not something that happens early in the recovery process. There are good reasons for this, mostly because it can create shame spirals in very vulnerable and raw people, which tends to lead to more drinking. You may have to wait until he's worked some steps before he's able to recognize the connection between the alcohol and over-sleeping and the sh*tty parenting. But, honestly, even though it's a drag, that's not the biggest problem he's facing.