Anonymous wrote:Enough of the is he black question? IT makes you sound ignorant and racist and not at all woke the way you think it does. Not all black men have multiple drug and alcohol charges and no job in their 30s. Just freaking stop.

You’re the one missing the point! Black people are much more likely to be charged unfairly so there is a greater chance that convictions don’t matter.

Lots of relevant considerations mentioned: Age, context, lessons learned, current attitude).

History and plan for substances in his life now?
Did he breach a professional obligation (legal or medical worker)?
Was it chronic- many decisions over many weeks and months?
Was anyone harmed from his DUI or drugs (distribution? people harmed?)


Good luck.

Former prosecutor/defense attorney here.

If the drug convictions are for marijuana, I would essentially consider them nonexistent. Marijuana will be legal everywhere within another decade and the whole bullshit war on drugs has been an enormous waste of resources resulting in many ruined lives - I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy’s convictions have been an obstacle to traditional career success, for instance.

Was the DUI for alcohol or marijuana? There is plentiful gray area there because many DUI-marijuana convictions don’t actually involve impaired driving - THC stays in the body for weeks and the science around what constitutes an inebriating level of THC metabolite is still evolving. I have a shit ton of experience prosecuting and defending these cases so am not pulling this out my butt.

If the DUI was for alcohol I would want to take some time and get a sense of this man’s current relationship to alcohol use and whether it is disordered. I would not want to get into a relationship with an alcoholic, but wouldn’t have a problem with getting into a relationship with someone who uses marijuana for medical reasons or even recreationally so long as the use is not disordered.

As to the many judgmental comments here - I would dismiss them outright. The vast majority of people who drink alcohol have at one time or another driven under the influence - maybe not over .08, but nevertheless buzzed enough that their driving was not up to usual snuff. In my experience lots of folks who preach about DUI and are self righteous on the issue have done it themselves, but they think they’re different and that they weren’t that intoxicated. The vast majority of DUIs never get caught. Please understand that I am not condoning DUI, I am merely providing a pragmatic view of reality. I bet anything that some of the women on this board who look down their nose at your BF have gotten behind the wheel under the influence themselves - if not of alcohol than of prescription medications. Or they’ve driven while distracted by their cell phones, which NHTSA research shows is equal to if not more impairing than driving under the influence of alcohol/drugs.

You need to use your best judgment in assessing your BF’s ‘criminal’ background. The most important factor to consider is what is his current use of and relationship to substances that can lead to disordered use - alcohol being of greater concern than marijuana. Don’t automatically discount someone as a potentially great life partner because they don’t have an impeccable background by DCUM standards- if anything I would consider that an advantage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Yet you are advising women to do what you didn't.

I also support a woman's right to have an abortion even though I didn't have one when I had an unplanned pregnancy. So what? Just because I haven't done something doesn't mean I can't opine on an issue. DCUM, clearly, isn't for you.

{claps} Yes!+1000

Another dumb ass. I get it you're on college break and you think throwing out random statements about abortions and women's rights is a legitimate argument. Well love, this ain't Twitter or Tumblr. IF you have never dealt with a guy who has a history of drug abuse you have no idea what it's like so you really shouldn't be telling other women it's no big deal give him a chance it will be a great relationship. If you want to boldly proclaim that OP and other women should give a guy with multiple DUIs and drug charges and no job but side a hustle at 34 a chance you better have some incredible life experience to back that up. Which you don't, so be quiet and leave the advice to the adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Yet you are advising women to do what you didn't.

I also support a woman's right to have an abortion even though I didn't have one when I had an unplanned pregnancy. So what? Just because I haven't done something doesn't mean I can't opine on an issue. DCUM, clearly, isn't for you.

{claps} Yes!+1000

Enough of the is he black question? IT makes you sound ignorant and racist and not at all woke the way you think it does. Not all black men have multiple drug and alcohol charges and no job in their 30s. Just freaking stop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Yet you are advising women to do what you didn't.

I also support a woman's right to have an abortion even though I didn't have one when I had an unplanned pregnancy. So what? Just because I haven't done something doesn't mean I can't opine on an issue. DCUM, clearly, isn't for you.

You aren't as clever as you think you are. Multiple DUIS, drug charges, and no career at 34 are miles different from having an abortion. You know this. You also know that dating and marrying such a man would likely be a headache which is why you did n;t do so yourself.,, so stop telling other women they should, and stop acting like there;s something wrong with women who see this as the red flag rhis is. Basically crawl back under your bridge, troll.

Depends on if he is Black. Black people get profiled and arrested for all sorts of things that White people don’t, so if it’s a pot offense then I wouldn’t care. DUI can also be totally made up but I’d need more information here.

Things my Black male friends have been arrested for include: loitering and trespassing (working overtime at their white collar job and looking “suspicious”), kidnapping (staying out past curfew with their white girlfriend in high school), drug possession with intent to distribute (had some pot in their car and drove from a state where it was legal to one where it wasn’t).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Yet you are advising women to do what you didn't.

I also support a woman's right to have an abortion even though I didn't have one when I had an unplanned pregnancy. So what? Just because I haven't done something doesn't mean I can't opine on an issue. DCUM, clearly, isn't for you.

I think the context and his background matter. Frankly, if he’s black and the arrests are for pot 10+ years ago, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Do you refuse to date anyone who has ever smoked pot? Because if not, you’re just red flagging someone because they come from a demographic that actually gets prosecuted. The DUI is the only one I think is an actual red flag and I’d need details.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

Dubya Bush had one DUI when he was young but he learned from his mistakes and went on to have a successful career, so there's that.

And he never made it to Epstein's island.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

Dubya Bush had one DUI when he was young but he learned from his mistakes and went on to have a successful career, so there's that.

Debatable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Yet you are advising women to do what you didn't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Is he in AA?