Anonymous
12/13/2021 13:14
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She treated us all the same in my opinion. We just do not respond the same way.
Is it appropriate to act this way towards a parent?
I have never seen this type of thing play out in other households.
Because you are not a part of those other households.
This is why I'm guessing OP is really an in-law or partner trying to get advice. This isn't "her" mother but maybe her husband's and she saw this outburst by the BIL.
Anonymous
12/13/2021 12:30
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Or perhaps, she was a crappy mom to him and was a better mom to you.
Np. Looks like you are projecting, pp. You cant know this unless you ate in the family.
That's why the word "perhaps" is in there. Can you read?
Me-ow
Anonymous
12/13/2021 12:17
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Or perhaps, she was a crappy mom to him and was a better mom to you.
Np. Looks like you are projecting, pp. You cant know this unless you ate in the family.
That's why the word "perhaps" is in there. Can you read?
Anonymous
12/13/2021 12:13
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:She treated us all the same in my opinion. We just do not respond the same way.
Is it appropriate to act this way towards a parent?
I have never seen this type of thing play out in other households.
Which isn't really relevant. Your brother's opinion of how she treated him is relevant.
Anonymous
12/13/2021 12:09
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:She treated us all the same in my opinion. We just do not respond the same way.
Is it appropriate to act this way towards a parent?
I have never seen this type of thing play out in other households.
Because you are not a part of those other households.
Anonymous
12/13/2021 08:34
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
My mom treated me differently, and worse, than my sister. But I would never tell her I hated her during the family holiday in front of everybody else.
Anonymous
12/13/2021 08:05
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:Op focus less on your family of origin and focus more on your own nuclear family.
NP.!This is my approach for some similar (but not exactly the same) dynamics.
My brother’s feelings, while valid for him, are not my feelings. I’m not repressing anything, we simply do not have the same life experiences. We had the same parents and household for 14 years. Who we became in our late teens, the choices we made, and who we later became in our 20-40s is different.
When my brother wanted to work through his feelings with my parents he kept including me on these long winded, angry, cursing texts. I repeatedly asked to be kept out of it. He did not respect my boundary, so he is blocked until he is ready to respect my position. I’m neither validating him or my parents. It’s not my issue and I refuse to participate. I love them all, but I’m not choosing a side. Im choosing my nuclear family and the life I have created.
Anonymous
12/13/2021 07:46
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Op focus less on your family of origin and focus more on your own nuclear family.
Anonymous
12/13/2021 06:35
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:Your brother revealed some startling information and your response is to gaslight him -- his reality could not exist because it did not happen to YOU too. Your second impulse is to shame him because your mother is 70 years old and should not have to deal with peoples' anger.
Both of your reactions are really off base here, which leads me to suspect that your brother has triggered some deep feelings in you that you are desperate to suppress. What happened in your family growing up? Why is it forbidden to express anger to your parents?
+1. My best friend has told me she feels this way when her brother talks about the trauma he's still dealing with based on past experience with their mother. If one sibling wants to suppress bad feelings about a parent and another wants to deal with it openly it can be very upsetting to the first sibling.
Anonymous
12/12/2021 23:53
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Asking him to leave was the right call.
I totally agree with you OP, but this is not your relationship to manage, it’s your mother’s. If this kind of behavior continues, I would refuse to be present when the two of them are together, especially if I have children. I wouldn’t want them to see their grandmother disrespected by a grown man in this way. There are better ways to handle anger and hurt feelings than using words like that especially in front of other family members, full stop.
This is really all you can and should do.
You’re going to get exaggerated and/or defensive responses from both of them if you try something silly like mediating an argument. Plus whether you’re moms senile from old age now or mental disorders, no data points will come from her now.
My moms sister turned alcoholic to now in a home at age 65, would really lash out at my mom. My parents had to stop going over there and block the emails. My aunt would say horrid things, that made no sense. Like blame her 70 yo sister for picking in her when little and how she hates her and that’s why her life’s been messed up for years.
Yet her life wasn’t messed up, we always shared holidays and presents and events for decades. Then when the aunt fell off the rails after retirement she blamed whomever was around. Now she’s divorced and alone as well. With severe liver damage and a ward of the state.
That is likely neurological
Anonymous
12/12/2021 21:08
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."
I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?
Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.
He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't
Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?
I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.
It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"
Amen to this! It's the weirdest shit in the world, too. We are all children of somebody so, in that case, none of us should be held accountable.
Anonymous
12/12/2021 21:01
Subject: 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"
how much younger are you and your other brother from your older brother?Anonymous wrote:She treated us all the same in my opinion. We just do not respond the same way.
Is it appropriate to act this way towards a parent?
I have never seen this type of thing play out in other households.