Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:20     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:Why do so many older people insist on hosting and then make it miserable? Per OP, they knew what the visit would involve in terms of nighttime wake ups, insisted their son, DIL, and new baby stay there, and then refused to accept reasonable boundaries like "please don't disrupt our nighttime routine." I wouldn't stay there under those circumstances - hotel ftw.


But really, what did MIL that was apparently so egregious? She was in the hallway, which seems to be a common hallway Tory bathroom, and was asking if everything was okay. 2 adults getting up and a baby crying is a lot of commotion in the middle of the night. I would expect the baby part, but not everything else that seems to come along with OP and her middle of the night routine.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:19     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If the house is such that MILs voice can keep the baby awake, the sounds of baby crying + you going down the hall to pee, then DH doing the same must create quite a ruckus in the he whole house in the middle of the night. Add that to the fact that many seniors have insomnia and other sleep related issues to start with, it’s no wonder she’s up “prowling” (and by that yiu mean walking around her house).


...then maybe MIL and FIL should not have insisted on baby visiting their house, or maybe should have taken OP and her husband up on their offer to stay in a nearby hotel, yes?


Maybe they didn’t think about baby waking (not even sure if it’s in the same room) = everyone getting up, walking all over the house, and doing a bunch of things in the middle of the night? DD was a horrible sleeper, and it never involved two parents and so much drama.

If OP a was so bothered by MIL “prowling” her own home (which is a statement that really says all we need to know about how OP a feels about MIL to begin with), she could have packed up after the first night.


Oh yeah, I'm sure that wouldn't have caused any drama at all. Great suggestion
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:19     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.


Not OP, but NO. No one needs to have a conversation with me at 3am or prolong the whole episode by trying to “help” change the diaper and taking 5 times as long and waking the baby up fully. No no no and no.


Agree. It is insane to try to interact with someone in the middle of the night when you’ve been warned not to engage repeatedly.


This is the part that many posters seem to be overlooking. MIL was warned ahead of time about the crying and nighttime routine. Then again on the first night. And second night. By getting up and asking “what’s going on? Is everything ok?” on the third or 4th night just makes her oblivious and super annoying.

I’d be pissed too OP. And I think your husband handled it well.


Obviously OP underestimates how disruptive the nighttime routine is. The lesson learned is stay in a hotel. People don't have to be prisoners in their own home because a baby is there.


OP here with my final comment of the thread.

1) MIL and FIL begged us to come visit them. We warned them in advance that there is usually one wake-up a night, and we weren't sure if there might even be more because it was a new environment. They still insisted that we stay with them. They said it would be no bother, etc. So we packed up all of our stuff and drove 5 hours to see them, as they wanted. So no one was a "prisoner in their own home"--they wanted baby in their house, that's what they got.

We have ALWAYS volunteered to stay in a hotel, even before baby, and they ALWAYS insist that we stay with them. So "prisoner" nothing.

2) Per a few posters' suggestions which were very helpful, we will no longer be staying with them until baby is older and 100% STTN. They will be welcome to stay in our home, but we will once again warn them in advance, and offer to pay for a hotel if they can't handle hearing baby cry for a few minutes once a night, from two floors away in our larger house.


Why would you ask "WWYD" when you don't seem to want to hear any input that suggests you overreacted and that your MIL isn't an evil witch? Just say you're venting instead.


...the OP said she is following a few posters' suggestions re: the hotel. Did you grasp that?


She already had that option but instead went for "you got what you wanted MIL!"
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:18     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:Why do so many older people insist on hosting and then make it miserable? Per OP, they knew what the visit would involve in terms of nighttime wake ups, insisted their son, DIL, and new baby stay there, and then refused to accept reasonable boundaries like "please don't disrupt our nighttime routine." I wouldn't stay there under those circumstances - hotel ftw.


No grandparent remembers what it is like to deal with an infant that isn't sleeping through the night. My youngest is 16 and my bff stayed overnight a few years ago with her baby. I'd forgotten how awful it was. And yes, i wanted to get up and ask her if I could do anything while the baby was crying.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:18     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:If the house is such that MILs voice can keep the baby awake, the sounds of baby crying + you going down the hall to pee, then DH doing the same must create quite a ruckus in the he whole house in the middle of the night. Add that to the fact that many seniors have insomnia and other sleep related issues to start with, it’s no wonder she’s up “prowling” (and by that yiu mean walking around her house).


She is an adult, not an infant. She can be woken up and not make it everyone else's problem. She can think "hey, DIL said that night wakings are normal and we should let them do their routine, guess I will stay in bed and go back to sleep." Instead she's all over them in middle of the night asking loud questions after being specifically told that it's disruptive and prolongs the baby's wakeup.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:17     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Take a breath. Honestly, MIL and I had some issues when I had a very difficult infant and she would come to visit. I was stressed, she was confused, we were irritable with each other. My oldest is now a teen and I promise we can laugh about it now - and although MIL wasn’t blameless, I learned by my third that I needed to unclench too. I wasn’t an angel either.

Just because things are tense doesn’t mean that this won’t blow over. Cut yourself some slack, and cut MIL some too.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:17     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If the house is such that MILs voice can keep the baby awake, the sounds of baby crying + you going down the hall to pee, then DH doing the same must create quite a ruckus in the he whole house in the middle of the night. Add that to the fact that many seniors have insomnia and other sleep related issues to start with, it’s no wonder she’s up “prowling” (and by that yiu mean walking around her house).


...then maybe MIL and FIL should not have insisted on baby visiting their house, or maybe should have taken OP and her husband up on their offer to stay in a nearby hotel, yes?


Maybe they didn’t think about baby waking (not even sure if it’s in the same room) = everyone getting up, walking all over the house, and doing a bunch of things in the middle of the night? DD was a horrible sleeper, and it never involved two parents and so much drama.

If OP a was so bothered by MIL “prowling” her own home (which is a statement that really says all we need to know about how OP a feels about MIL to begin with), she could have packed up after the first night.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:15     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Why do so many older people insist on hosting and then make it miserable? Per OP, they knew what the visit would involve in terms of nighttime wake ups, insisted their son, DIL, and new baby stay there, and then refused to accept reasonable boundaries like "please don't disrupt our nighttime routine." I wouldn't stay there under those circumstances - hotel ftw.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:13     Subject: Re:MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what your problem is with your MIL getting up in her own house. Did she complain to you about noise? Did she yell & turn on lights? Did she offer parenting advice? Now you will probably come back and claim she did all of those things.

Maybe you feel self-conscious and/or uncomfortable, own that as your issue. Don't displace it on her.


+1

I don't understand the issue. Sounds to me like OP is nit picking.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:08     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
I have a 5 month old, and I agree you were unnecessarily rude. Okay, you didn’t want her help. Okay, she didn’t act exactly the way you wanted her to. Relax.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:08     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
4 minutes is a long time to listen to an infant cry. Your natural instinct is to pick it up (this is biology). 4 months old is a hard time to travel. Just invite them to your house. Though they may "prowl" there too.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:07     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.


Not OP, but NO. No one needs to have a conversation with me at 3am or prolong the whole episode by trying to “help” change the diaper and taking 5 times as long and waking the baby up fully. No no no and no.


Agree. It is insane to try to interact with someone in the middle of the night when you’ve been warned not to engage repeatedly.


This is the part that many posters seem to be overlooking. MIL was warned ahead of time about the crying and nighttime routine. Then again on the first night. And second night. By getting up and asking “what’s going on? Is everything ok?” on the third or 4th night just makes her oblivious and super annoying.

I’d be pissed too OP. And I think your husband handled it well.


Obviously OP underestimates how disruptive the nighttime routine is. The lesson learned is stay in a hotel. People don't have to be prisoners in their own home because a baby is there.


OP here with my final comment of the thread.

1) MIL and FIL begged us to come visit them. We warned them in advance that there is usually one wake-up a night, and we weren't sure if there might even be more because it was a new environment. They still insisted that we stay with them. They said it would be no bother, etc. So we packed up all of our stuff and drove 5 hours to see them, as they wanted. So no one was a "prisoner in their own home"--they wanted baby in their house, that's what they got.

We have ALWAYS volunteered to stay in a hotel, even before baby, and they ALWAYS insist that we stay with them. So "prisoner" nothing.

2) Per a few posters' suggestions which were very helpful, we will no longer be staying with them until baby is older and 100% STTN. They will be welcome to stay in our home, but we will once again warn them in advance, and offer to pay for a hotel if they can't handle hearing baby cry for a few minutes once a night, from two floors away in our larger house.


Why would you ask "WWYD" when you don't seem to want to hear any input that suggests you overreacted and that your MIL isn't an evil witch? Just say you're venting instead.


...the OP said she is following a few posters' suggestions re: the hotel. Did you grasp that?
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:07     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)


My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.


NP - You are way overreacting. New mom syndrome is real. I get you want to respected and listened to, but you are in someone else's home. If MIL gets up and asks if everything is ok and her voice is a little too loud, you need to graciously deal with it. You are sleep deprived and probably hormonal and probably don't like your MIL very much, but this is an overreaction. And then only staying in a hotel when you visit them next will probably hurt their feelings. Is that really worth it? Your husband stuck up for you, there seemed to have been a little annoyance but she's not committing abuse or crimes, so you really should just chill out. Be kind and let it go. You are going to create bigger problems by not being able to rationally react to your in-laws.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:06     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
Anonymous wrote:If the house is such that MILs voice can keep the baby awake, the sounds of baby crying + you going down the hall to pee, then DH doing the same must create quite a ruckus in the he whole house in the middle of the night. Add that to the fact that many seniors have insomnia and other sleep related issues to start with, it’s no wonder she’s up “prowling” (and by that yiu mean walking around her house).


...then maybe MIL and FIL should not have insisted on baby visiting their house, or maybe should have taken OP and her husband up on their offer to stay in a nearby hotel, yes?
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2021 13:04     Subject: MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?
If the house is such that MILs voice can keep the baby awake, the sounds of baby crying + you going down the hall to pee, then DH doing the same must create quite a ruckus in the he whole house in the middle of the night. Add that to the fact that many seniors have insomnia and other sleep related issues to start with, it’s no wonder she’s up “prowling” (and by that yiu mean walking around her house).